If you’ve had a relationship that didn’t work out, then jumped into another one that landed with a thud, you may find yourself in a bad place.
While you’re ruminating on your back-to-back failed romances, you may want to also take a good look at yourself, says New York City-based therapist Dr. Jane Greer.
“What you want to start to look at is what do you need to see about the person you’re choosing that you might be missing? And what do you need to know about yourself that may be blinding you?” Greer says. “What are you expecting and what are they realistically able to give you?”
For instance, say the first relationship ended because someone cheated, but you moved on without really dealing with the betrayal. Now you’re in a whole new relationship carrying your old baggage.
“Figure out what signs you missed, and take better care to protect yourself,” Greer says. “If you don’t you’re positioning yourself for this to happen again and again.”
Greer says post-breakup is an opportunity to look at what you need and what you are bringing into the relationship, good and bad.
“Are you making too many demands? Are you too controlling? Too needy? You wanna look at ‘why am I getting my heart broken? Am I making a poor choice and trusting because I want to and not because they’re trustworthy? Am I coming in too needy or demanding and driving them away?'”
If you’ve been betrayed (and it’s more than once), it’s helpful to take inventory of your past experiences. Greer says to ask yourself if you were exposed to infidelity, or from divorced parents?
“If you answer yes it could be really helpful to talk to a therapist and sort out how those earlier experiences are impacting you now,” she adds.
Another big piece to back-to-back heartbreak is if you’ve had a relationship in the past you have not worked through, you could be jumping into something new hoping it’s something old.
“You can’t turn it into what you wish it was,” Greer says.
It may be time for a time out until you figure out why your pattern keeps repeating.
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