I wasn't mad at Katie for not telling me about the rumor sooner, but I was a little let down. If a rumor like that turned out to be true, that's a game changer in terms of all of our friendships. I wouldn't want to have a friend for the next 50 plus years of my life who had done something terrible to me and lied about it. I don't ever want friends like that, so if this rumor was even a possibility, I would need to know so I could discover the truth and weed out anyone who actually isn't a good friend to me. And that's why I wish Katie would have told me sooner.
Kristen is a very strong assertive person. From what I have witnessed over the last four years of being friends with her, when her character is being compromised, she acts out. She gets loud, her emotions run high, and she stands up for herself in a very extravagant way. Those are things I have admired about her. So when I saw her eerily calm and dismissive about the accusation, I felt like it was her way of hiding something. I didn't want to completely accuse Kristen of something this terrible before I had every single piece of information. That wouldn't be fair to her or anyone else involved. So I had to get all the facts from Katie before really doing anything.
As far as confronting Jax, he is a liar, always has been. I've said it a million times. That is exactly why I did not believe him.
Lisa has always been a mentor to me. Regardless of the ups and downs, I know I could always go to her with anything. This rumor had the possibility of changing everything, and that was something I just couldn't keep to myself. I wanted to get her thoughts, her opinions, because I was going through a really confusing time with everything. When she said she had already heard the rumors, it only just convinced me more that they were true. I know she said not to go there, but that's just not who I am. I wouldn't be able to go on being friends with someone who might have done something terrible to me.
Honestly at that point in time, my focus wasn't on the drunken fight between Scheana and Katie. I felt bad that Scheana was hurt, but I didn't feel like that was my place to step in. It wasn't my battle to fight. The best thing to do is accept responsibility and apologize, and that's what I did.
Everyone was telling me that they believed the rumors. It was very strange to hear everyone believing that Kristen was capable of that. What does that say about how they think of her? It was all very confusing.
Internally, I was seriously panicking when I went over to Kristen's. I felt like in only mere minutes, everything could be changing. I could discover that my best friend isn't in fact my best friend. I was terrified.
After I saw the responses on the phone, I began to feel really guilty about not believing Kristen. It really made me think about my own issues and my own past and how that has influenced me. I had been betrayed so many times that I began to think everyone was going to betray me at some point. And I felt so saddened that I directed that mistrust towards Kristen.