Andys Blog

Andy Cohen wrestles barnacles and dead batteries in New Jersey.

on May 14, 2007

Moments after the service was over I ran into a lady who Amy Sedaris would describe as a "Barnacle." Every party has a Barnacle. In her bestselling book about entertaining, Amy dubs Barnacle's "that one person in your life you can never get rid of.... for every barnacle there is a shipwreck they can attach themselves to." I vowed then and there not to be her shipwreck.

The barnacle corners me. "How are you getting back to The City?" She wants to know. The service JUST ENDED, rude lady! "I am driving," I tell the barnacle, terrified she's going to ask for a ride. "No but HOW are you getting BACK??" She wants to know. "What direction? What road." "I am going to reverse the directions. I am going to go the exact opposite of the way I came." I calmly tell the barnacle. "But I am not leaving for HOURS." I tell her this so she doesn't think she's going to get a ride home. I wanted to say: "I mean, it could be sundown before I leave this party! Or sun-up!" "Where did you GET your directions?" Barney wants to know.... "Mapquest," I tersely reply. "I would NEVER Mapquest!" She tells me. I actually REALLY DON'T CARE! And I let her know. "OK," I say as I walk away.

The day was fantastic. I never saw the barnacle again. I reconnected with lots of CBS pals and Alterphiles. I made Sony chief Michael Lynton talk to me about "The Young and Restless," a white-hot Sony property. (As hot as Spidey!)

I gracefully exited in the early afternoon to head to the set of "Tim Gunn's Guide to Style". (The barnacle was long gone.) I got in my car smiling only to discover that in my zeal about my platinum parking spot, I hadn't realized that the car's lights were blaring. My battery was dead. Panic. I'm stuck. In Jersey. Barnacle is probably at Scoop by now and I am suddenly drenched with sweat, totally helpless, calling roadside service for car jumping.