Britney And I Are Sad

Andy Cohen weights in on the Britney Spears documentary.

I spent so many hours at the fercockta St. Louis airport yesterday that I can barely remember what I did over my vacation. My airport hang was a result of my adamant refusal to call ahead and check to see if my flight was delayed, which I somehow deemed impossible. I paid the price and got to watch humans in very poor travel wear coming and going for three hours.

There were a lot of folks in shorts at the airport who were not necessarily going or coming somewhere hot. What does that mean? You're not ALLOWED to wear shorts in the winter, do people not know that?? By the way, if you were holding out hope for a renaissance of people dressing up for flights, move on. If they're charging three bucks for trail mix in coach, who's going to bother throwing on something more than stained shorts. The people in "sweatsuit alternatives" looked downright fancy yesterday.

I found the whole lot of wintertime shorts people depressing yesterday, but I may have had residual suicidal thoughts from my "brunch" with my family at a "restaurant" called First Watch. Has anyone ever been to one of these places? (It's a chain is why I ask.) Anyway, the eggs are fake (i.e. not real eggs) and it provides all the charm of eating in a hospital cafeteria. Or a hostel for the very elderly. It was very very very very sad, the whole place. Very VERY sad. And the waitress who tried SUPERhard to make it NOT sad actually made it worse.

And the eggs are not eggs, do you get me?

With the exception of the shorts-people and faux eggs, my time in St. Louis was really fun and chillaxy. I saw a lot of old friends and family and generally ate cheesy bits. I completed next to none of the the pre-hols stuff I wanted set out to do.

I did see the "Rosie" variety show and Babara Walter's amazing interview with Obama. What can I say about the Rosie thing except that I think if NBC picked it up they could learn from what didn't go well and make it great. I don't think that will necessarily happen though. Barbara's interview with the Obamas was fantastic. Did you see it?

And last night did you see the excellently "hard hitting" Britney documentary on MTV? If you missed it, let me tell you that Brit Brit is very very sad. As sad as First Watch. She is a prisoner. Dancing is her soul connection. She is tormented by the paparazzi and spends her life in a makeup chair waiting. (Brit hates to wait.) Oh and she is just like us. By "us" I mean YOU and ME!

And Madonna - she's a lot like Madonna too, which perhaps explains why the Material Gal showed up to talk about soul power and grown up stuff that Brit Brit is too young to understand. And you know what a fan I am of Madonna so I can't slam her... But it is indeed unclear what was happening with my girl's face, specifically the upper lip. Maybe it was my teevee.

ANYHOW... The truth is that Brit was not even asked what drugs she's been abusing for the last two years, so I don't know how hard hitting it was after all. And her "team" represented 3 of the 8 or so EP credits on the doc so I guess there wasn't a hell of a lot of time they were going to spend delving into ecstasy and cocaine binges. She did say that shaving your head is something everybody does. So that was weird. And the British smart-man who was asking her questions didn't really follow that up and say "that is not normal, Brit.". And she cried really hard about how sad she is and it was actually devastating.

When it is said and done I feel bad for the girl. She ain't right and she is so freaking beautiful you can't believe what she looks like. Real real perty and I mean it. And she's really just a pageant girl like Asia or Brooke who won Supreme Queen and still hold the title. And the new album sounds great. I am rooting for her and the whole docu ended with her kind of winking at us and semi-copping to the fact that she actually DIDN'T tell her story and maybe she'll "write" a great book one day.

I know she's on GMA and ET so I am thinking that Diane will berate her about what she was snorting. So hang on for that. And ET will get her to say "ET" a lot and they will show her walking in the room and seeing Mary Hart and saying "oh wow, ET" and then they will promote parts 2,5, and 9 of the interview for the rest of part 1. OK I will stop now.

CAB REPORT: You know I hate a minivan, so I'd checked out of 5Y57 as quickly as I checked in, but when Bashir Andan's cellphone charger crept from under his seat to my foot, I wondered if the feisty driver was trying to tell me to pay him a lil bit of attention. I returned the charger and plugged into Bashir's world, where I saw him violently grinding a pen into his left ear. I mean it was like he was raping his ear with this pen over and over. I still hate minivans and that ain't the way to clean out your ears, Bashir! And no I WON'T go skating with you on Thursday afternoon; I am too traumatized by the ear-sodomy. Eeeew.

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