Candy Spelling has dropped the ball. With poignant open letters to Joe Francis and Paris Hilton, Candy was quickly becoming our nation's Mama. She reminded us how and why Tori and Randy Spelling turned into such quality people. But Candy seems to have stopped the letters, and someone needs to speak with Miss New Jersey.
Dear Miss New Jersey, On Friday I sat in my hotel room in Italy wanting some news from the USA. I proceeded to watch 20 minutes of FOX NEWS coverage of your blackmail press conference. I thought the whole thing was a skit - from the "press conference" to the "analysis". You said your were being blackmailed with scandalous pictures from your past. It was mildly interesting.
A week later, the photos have been released and it's clear that you should resign. You broke your promise to us, Miss New Jersey. Your filthy pictures are actually not filthy whatsoever. The pictures show you, Miss New Jersey, drinking shots. You are clothed. Another picture depicts a guy kissing your clothed teet, and another shows you imbibing. The most interesting picture features you holding what appear to be ripe yellow peppers in front of your clothed boobs. That picture is very revealing, Miss New Jersey. Not only is it not filthy, but we now know that your natural hair color is black. This makes us very, very sad, Miss New Jersey. You wear the crown of NEW JERSEY, where ladies are PROUD of their black hair.
Apparently there is a "board of Miss New Jersey" that "met" yesterday and "determined" that you can keep your tin crown. I think the board was bored. And you are not tearfully reporting that you will now "resume my agenda as Miss New Jersey." In this day and age, we expect Miss New Jersey to be something of a whore. You are a pageant girl. You are owned by Mr Donald Trump. I think Mr. Trump is going to have to sit you down and teach you some lessons in modern morality. Start acting like a Trump and stop wasting everybody's time. Miss New Jersey, give us something we can sink our teeth into. We are watching you. Good Luck.