I couldn't find anyone to interview today, so I thought I would chat up the often-compelling Andy Cohen.
Q: Andy, what the hell are you doing right at this minute in Los Angeles?
A: Well, thanks for asking you cheeky cherub! I am in LA on the set of a brand new Bravo reality competition show that will debut in '07.
Q: Tell us, have you had any celeb sightings during your stay?
A: There is an 8" or 9" foot tall Asian guy in my hotel who I think must be a basketball star. And I saw Matthew Broderick. And Dan Ackroyd. But not together.
Q: What hotspots did you visit while you were in LA?
A: Hmmm. Hotspots? I don't know. Like, did I meet Jessica Simpson at Cain and do blowcaine with La Lohan in the bathroom of the Ivy? No.
Q: Leave those dear girls alone. Well, where DID you go smartface?
A: People in LA wind up having a lot of drinks at a lot of hotels. So I was at the Four Seasons, the Chateau, the Sunset Tower, and maybe that's it.
Q: And did you see a lot of whores in those hotel lobbys and bars?
A: I actually did NOT. I looked and looked but saw no whores. My friend at the Four Seasons told me that there are Eastern Bloc Lady Whores at the Peninsula, though.
Q: Actually, a friend told ME that the Four Seasons is called the WHORE Seasons for obvious reasons.
A: You have really sick friends. There weren't any there and I am not talking about this anymore.
Q: OK. Andy, many people have posted on your blog wondering what you think of Keith Michael's rant on Blogging Project Runway.
A: Yes, I have seen those posts. I think that Keith has his own POV about what happened on the show. And I think he is pissed. That's pretty much some of what I think.
Q: OK, well that isn't exactly enlightening. Let's talk about Laura and Jeffrey.
A: You know what, hickory stick, I am not going to take any more questions about "Project Runway" right now because you are starting to bug me.
Q: Well, why did you interview yourself for this blog? You are an idiot, did you ever realize that?
A: It is almost 3 in the morning in LA and I am still on the set of our new reality show and I am punchy and irritated and coming down with a cough and sore throat so I don't care if you think I am an idiot.
Q: Do you realize that last week Michael Rucker interviewed himself using your questions from an old interview that you did with Michael Knight? You are ripping him off, aren't you?
A: Actually, you moron, I am ripping off Amy Sedaris. She interviewed herself last year, I think in a magazine called Index.
Q. Andy, you are an insufferable name dropper. And you can't spell.
A: You know what, Andy? I don't force you to read my blog so I don't need to hear your smacktalk.
Q: Um, you are me and I am you so yeah, I think you actually do force me to not only read it but write it.
A: You are not making a lick of sense. Ask me something that people would want to know.
Q: Andy, many people are wondering how you will be spending the weekend.
A: Thank you for asking, Andy. I will be going to St. Louis for my 20th high school reunion! Go Greyhounds!
Q: You are lame, Andy; but there is something winning about your small mind. And will you be blogging about your reunion?
Q: Here's hoping. Are there any old flames that you are looking forward to seeing?
A: Not particularly. I took a different girl to every dance and prom we had and, in terms of action, they were dates fit for a mormon.
Q: Speaking of mormons, how do you like your new supershort haircut?
A: Hey! How did you know that I got a supershort haircut!?
Q: I AM YOU, idiot!
A: OK, you aren't making sense again. Can you ask me about Madonna?
Q: Of course. What do you think about her adorable new adopted boy from Malawi?
A: I think it is perfectly grand that she adopted a darling boy from Malawai and that hateful Andrea Peyser from the Post should shut her face for once and for all. Her column was so mean!
Q: I hate it when you get political.
A: I hate your apathy.
Q: If I turned your iPod on right now, what song would come up? A: I believe that a song from Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon is going right now. I listened to that before bed last night. I turned on someone's iPod on the set today and they were listening to Toto! Isn't that lame!?
Q: Oh Andy, you are hilarious! I could spend all day with you. This joke was old ten minutes ago. Why are you keeping it up?
A. Because I am so irritated that this shoot is going so long and that I am getting sick that I am taking cold comfort in thumbing my Blackberry.
Q. Would you consider being my longterm lover?
A: Yes. I love you.
Q: Me too. Thanks for the scoop. This is better than the Santino interview.
A: OK, I need to go back to the set now. It is very late. I have really enjoyed my time with you.
Q: Me too. When will we speak again?
A: How about first thing to-morry! Ciao!