In defiance of our hair-plugged Vice President, and because I live generally to defy veeps, I took the subway to work this morning. And that was superfun because I realized midway through the rainy shlep to the station that there was a foreign matter somewhere within my boot
that I was stepping on and every step I took hurt my foot.
I got into the train and pondered what on earth could be inside that boot, causing me so much pain! I quickly ruled out: a dime, fecal matter, a button, an iPod, a ketchup packet, a pocket knife, or a watch. So I became fixated: WHAT THE HELL IS IN THIS BOOT!?!
Thinking it was perhaps a dead bug took me directly to my worst, most scared place and almost caused me to implore someone to make F train history and simply amputate. Realizing it was too sharp to be a big waterbeatle, I caught my breath. Could it be a paperclip? It COULD but it's not that flat. Couldn't it be a pen cap? Perhaps! What about a key?! Why YES, and I lost a key last week so maybe I stored it in my boot for safekeeping.
The train was full and I did not care to take off my boot amongst the people. I decided to power through to my office where I would unveil the offensive item to an audience of one. I hobbled under Rock Center, tormented by the pen cap or key or silent killer.
By the time I got to my desk I was positive that it was a pen cap, but I was wrong.
It was on of those pesky plastic clippy things that fasten my dress shirt collars, and that I blindly rip off without ceremony and fall to the floor of my closet, never to be seen again. Unless they wind up inside a boot to screw with me on my way to work. The lesson for me is not to throw things on the floor of my own closet. Am I an ANIMAL?!?
And isn't that the end of one of the absolute most boring "stories" you've ever heard? But for me that lil cleaner fastener was ultimately a lifesaver because I had nothing to write about today and instead was going to write about how depressed I was this morning and how watching Good Morning America on the treadmill almost caused me to take a cyanide pill.
Oh hey before I go ... Remember that online auction I was jabbering about last week? And the woman who e-mailed asking my opinion on having lunchwith a fat girl, and I said I only want to have meals with fat girls. Well the fat girl won! And I think this proves that in life, fat girls
always win. And I can't wait to meet her. And she spent $1650 for this lunch, so I am going to sing and dance and do whatever I can to entertain her because that's about $1645 more than I thought it would garner.
Have a good day. And I am sorry to have wasted your time today. Snoozer!