"Today's Jackhole is 45-year-old Scott Bennett who wanted some time off from work, so he did the most logical thing. He filed an obituary for his mom with the local paper to get off work. Only he forgot to tell his mom he'd be publicizing her death, which probably annoyed her since she's still alive. I bet she wouldn't spend two hours molding a rice panda for his lunchbox."

"This week's Jackhole is Phillip Winikoff for allegedly offering free door to door breast exams. But also to the ladies who took him up on it before realizing anything was wrong. You're not, not Jackholes, ladies. Knock, knock, knock...breast exam! Oh OK!"

"Today's Jackhole is Tom Brady. I don't know what you did, Tom Brady, to this kid, but he hates you. Something tells me that kid will eventually get over his hatred for Tom Brady, but he may hate his father for this forever."

"This week's Jackhole is the Madison, Wisconsin residents who complained about Wanda Cheeks' light up Christmas peacocks. They don't care about any of her other decorations, they just hate those peacocks. Wanda Cheeks bought those from a home shopping show! A. How can you give a lady named Wanda Cheeks a hard time; B. It's Christmas, you're supposed to be kind to each other no matter how ugly someone's Christmas decorations are."

"Today's Jackhole is the Scottsdale Gun Club that is celebrating the holiday season by offering family pics with Santa and guns! If I were Santa, I wouldn't be getting so cozy with people who are clearly concerned about home invasions."

"I can't believe what animals we've become. A woman pepper sprayed others to get an Xbox...Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that remembers that Jesus is the reason for the season, and I'm Jewish!"

"The Jackhole is anyone who doesn't see Ellen's movie."

"This week's Jackhole is the fake Florida doctor, who was arrested for giving a woman butt injections that were actually a mixture of cement, mineral oil, super glue, and Fix-A-Flat. Spoiler alert! It didn't come out that good."

"Today's Jackhole is Sister Marie Thornton. She's a New York nun who plead guilty to embezzling a million dollars to feed her gambling addiction in Atlantic City. First of all you should have known this was a bad idea when your husband, G-d, never helped you win. Second of all, what if you had one? You're a nun, what were you going to spend it on?"

"This week's Jackhole is the Duggar family. They have announced they're having their 20th baby, and all I want to say to the mom is be careful, I have a terrible feeling you're going to slip on your own uterus and fall down some stairs or something. Sorry, was that bad? Did I go to far?"

"Today's Jackhole is me! On this show when I ask questions I always like to say someone's name and where they're from, well last night nobody could believe where I said this question is from, I’m so stupid. La Calif?! La Calif?! L.A. California!! I mean, oh my lord."

"This week's Jackhole is whoever came up with the Boy Scouts of America's new ad campaign look.Boy scouts, you don't need NAMBLA sniffing around your troops more than they already are. They look like baby Amish bears."

"I am mad that Bernie says he's happy in jail. Perhaps we should move him somewhere where he's unhappy."

"Today's Jackhole is 51-year-old actor Doug Hutchison. Everybody's been going on and on about his weird pervy marriage to weird pervy 17-year-old Courtney Stodden; and I've tried to avoid it but now they've been kicked out of a pumpkin patch for being weird and pervy."

"This week's Jackhole is the Michigan dad arrested for having his 9-year-old daughter drive him to the gas station at 3am because he was drunk, allegedly. There's footage from the gas station security cameras, including the dad bragging about it. The kid's no Jackhole, though, she's a really great driver. Hey little girl, if you're watching, can you pick me up on the corner of Hudson and Van Dam in like 15 minutes, because I'm a little drunk because I drank tequila tonight and I need a ride home from the Clubhouse. Bring that sweet van too!"

"Today's Jackhole is the hackers who put porn on Sesame Street's Youtube channel. Although to be honest, is Sesame Street all that wholesome? Elmo's been running around naked for years, and look at Ernie and Bert."

"This week's Jackhole is every news outlet that decided to show a picture of Michael Jackson's naked corpse from his death trial -- I had to get my eyes baptized after that."

"Today's Jackhole is the two Amish men who were arrested in connection with those beard stealing crimes I told you about last night. Now their names are Johnny and Lester Mullet. Mullet! And they allegedly cut the hair and beards off of their fellow Amish-es in retaliation for their father, Sam Mullet, being shunned. No new Amish mug shots as of yet but you can bet your boot buckles that I'm going to bring them to you the second they come out, because Amish mug shots are my new obsession."

"This week's Jackhole is a rogue band of Amish a-holes in Ohio who've been breaking into the homes of other Amish and cutting off their beards and hair. Nobody's been arrested yet, but I hope it happens soon because I love me some Amish mug shots"

"Today's Jackhole is Texas governor and presidential hopeful Rick Perry. We can't really say why he’s the Jackhole, not on TV anyway. If you haven't heard by now, Google 'Rick Perry and hunting lodge' and then hold onto your eyeballs."

"This week's Jackhole is the plastic surgeon who gave this lady a uni-boob. Look! Not sexy at all. And now I'm hungry for hamburger buns for some reason."