Today’s Jackhole is Thomas Parkin who was sentenced this week to 13-41 years behind bars because after his mom passed away in 2003 he continued to cash her social security checks for years by dressing up in a dead mom costume. Oh my God, he looks like Kate Chancellor from ‘Young and the Restless.’

“My Jackhole of the day goes to a musical indication of the end of days. Back in the 80’s we had something that we called ‘We Are the World,’ but this generation has something called ‘The Facebook Song.’ Have you heard it? It is an earnest, maybe vomit inducing, homage to Facebook. I can’t get it out of my head!”

“My Jackhole of the night goes something truly crazy, welcome to this week’s installment of ‘It Came From Courtney Stodden.’ In this video Miss Stodden portrays a cat, take a look or don’t if you're faint of heart. I hope she has parental supervision besides that 50 year old husband of hers. She looks like a feral cat to me by the way.”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to dinosaurs. Scientists are now theorizing that they died of a methamphetamine overdose, which literally means they farted themselves to death as a species. ”

“Today’s Jackhole is the company that makes these. These are party supplies for first period parties. The plates say ‘puberty rocks.’ What do you put in the goody bags? Moms, just don’t do that to your daughters. ”

“My Jackhole of the day sadly is not a funny one. A sarcastic congratulations to the state of North Carolina for passing Prop 8’s ugly step cousin, something called Amendment 1 which bans same sex marriage and civil unions. To all of the members of the LGBT community in North Carolina, stay strong. And if you want to marry your partner, we’re more than happy to make room for you in New York where it is perfectly legal. And by the way, isn’t Amendment 1 just a different way of saying the First Amendment which, if I remember correctly is about freedom. I think it should be called the Bigot Amendment.”

“Today’s Jackhole is Pam Matranga, a Galveston County Texas constable who has been accused of alleged sexual harassment. According to a deputy, she publicly lifted up her blouse, trapped his head under it, and pressed his face to her breast forcing him to motorboat her. You know Pam, it’s people like you who make motorboating seem gross and unromantic.”

“My Jackhole Vice President Joe Biden. This morning on ‘Meet the Press’ he had this to say about marriage equality, which I love. I so wanted to give him The Mazel but I was so distracted by his hair system that I couldn’t. Joe, you gotta just shave it off, I know it was expensive, but you have to shave it. Just do that for me.”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to Brian Frons. Now this is the man responsible for canceling ‘All My Children.’ Now I am going to quote the great Susan Lucci, she said it best, there’s a new section in her book, which I really love. She said ‘I watch Brian Frons’s decisions destroy the production of our show, and the lives of people on both sides of the country.’ Mazel to you, Susan, and Jackhole to him.”

“Today’s Jackhole is Patricia Krentcil of New Jersey who was arrested for allegedly putting her 5 year-old daughter in a tanning booth. She, of course, denies it. Ok so let me play devil’s advocate here. I am sure she’s not guilty because Patty doesn’t look to me like the kinda lady who’s ever shared a tanning booth with anyone! She looked crazy!”

“Today’s Jackhole is Anthony Popa Urria, who just became the world’s youngest member of MENSA. He’s two years old, his IQ is 154, and he speaks three languages, but he’s still in diapers! Anthony, let me ask you, what good is being a genius if you can’t figure out how not to poop yourself? Call me when you’re continent, okay genius?”

“The Jackhole of the day is this Russian chick who paid a fortune to look like one of Kathleen famous characters, Jessica Rabbit. This is what she did. I admire her commitment to Jessica Rabbit, it would have been a lot cheaper to try and look like Jessica Simpson, getting a baby in you is free.”

“Today’s Jackhole is a guy who was arrested for an alleged hit and run that damaged another car in California. But, I almost want to Mazel him because of his name, and this is his legal name, Obiwan Kenobi! He changed his name to Obiwan Kenobi.”

“Today’s Jackhole is the Secret Service again. Now some of the agents caught up in the Colombian prostitution scandal are saying they are innocent because they were so hammered they passed out before any sex could occur. Is that what innocent means? You’re guiltier than ever, you’re guilty of wasting busy hooker’s valuable time”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to Detroit 3rd Circuit Judge Wade McCree who allegedly sent nude photos of himself to a woman whose husband found them and got all mad. Nude photos always get a Jackhole but to his credit, I love his response to this local news reporter who confronted him about it. ”

“Today’s Jackhole is Michael Deal of Virginia who, when the teacher left the room during a gun safety class, accidentally shot himself through the hand. The good news is, the bullet was stopped by something. The bad news is, it was stopped by his wife’s leg. Not many ladies ever wish their husband was only shooting blanks, but I bet she does.”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to a Long Island woman who accepted the life saving gift of a kidney from someone who worked for her, then she fired the donor for not returning to work as fast as she did. This story is nothing to kid-ney around about (sorry), but take a look at the boss in question. Grumpy lady! Would you trust that face with a kidney? At least she has the class to use plastic cups with her white zinfandel, which I can’t imagine is good for your kidneys.”

“Tonight’s Jackhole goes to this Chinese sunglass company for what they decided to call their new line of shades. I don’t get it.”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to a hard hitting news story about a little girl who had an accident in kindergarden class. So pooping in your pants is super embarrassing but it’s even worse when your mom goes on the local news station, KY3, with the story and your last name is Skidmore.”

“Today’s Jackhole is Melati Suryodamo whose artistic piece entitled ‘Butter Dance’ went viral on the internet today. She calls dancing on 20 pounds of butter performance art, I call it wasting delicious butter!”

“Today’s Jackhole is Secret service. I know this whole Columbian prostitution scandal has been going on for a couple of days, but it just hit me - you guys need to pay to get laid? You’re government agents, you’re secret service guys, you have more game than anybody. In the future, I suggest you learn how to keep the fact that you’re being serviced, secret. That was so lame.”

“Today’s Jackhole is Kelsey Grammer, who is all over the gossip blogs for getting his fourth wife’s name tattooed on his hip. Dude, you’re almost 60, I don’t want to know about your gramp-stamp. Think of Camille please. Am I the only one thinking of Camille?”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to the mere possibility that Dame Maggie Smith might leave her role as the Dowager Countess on Downton Abbey. It is yet to be confirmed, this is the skuttlebutt just as of hours ago, but it better not be true, Mags. Listen, just because you’re 77, have two Oscars, a Tony, two Emmys, two Golden Globes, and are an official Dame doesn’t mean you can punish me with such dowager deprivation. I need you, think of the people! On second thought, enjoy your retirement and have a digestive biscuit on me. But I hope you don’t do that, it’s a preventative Jackhole.”

“Today’s Jackhole is bronchitis! ‘Watch What Happens Live’ is a little show in a tiny petri dish of a studio, and eight people on our production staff share a wee office and in the past two days, three out of those eight people have been felled by bronchitis! And then, the Long Island Medium was supposed to be on the show tonight, and she had to cancel because of bronchitis! Now the remaining five people in that office can’t stop Purelling themselves, one of them thinks it may be the start of end times and this cocktail I’m drinking? It’s Fresca and Lysol!”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to George Zimmerman. Whatever we find out actually happened, the fact that George Zimmerman put up a website asking for PayPal donations for his defense seems more than worthy of une petite jackhole.”

“Today’s Jackhole is the Board of Health in Webster, Massachusetts for making it legal for children as young as 14 to get tattoos as long as they have parental consent. Here’s why, if a kid is 14 and his parent is consenting to let him get a tattoo, it’s because his parent is dumb. They proved it when their kids said, ‘can I get a tattoo after adventure time is over?’ and they said ‘d’ok.’ Now what we’re going to have is a lot of 8th graders running around that town with poorly spelled checked tattoos like this one. ”

“Today’s Jackhole is whoever designs shopping mall Easter bunny costumes. I was looking at some pictures online today and not one single costume was less than chilling. It’s not that hard to come up with a good looking Easter costume, look what we did with our bartender.”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to something else that happened last night. In the last moments of the show I engaged in a humpy grindy kind of dance with Ramona and I can’t get the image out of my head.”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to three people who have something in common with Tori, they are hoarders. But instead of hoarding catty gays, they were arrested for allegedly hoarding actual cats in their trailer, 134 cats to be exact. Who would do such a thing? I want to see their mugshots! Oh my lord!”

“Today’s Jackhole is the Des Moines Farm Bureau worker who had access to the employee database, where he allegedly looked up female coworkers and was then caught on surveillance camera urinating on the chairs of those he found attractive. I feel bad for the ladies whose chairs he peed on, but I also feel bad for the ladies whose chairs he didn’t pee on! Ladies, you’re all beautiful. I would pee on all of your chairs!”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to one of my favorite classy ladies, Courtney Stodden, after claiming she’s never eaten a hamburger in her life and she’s decided to become a vegetarian. Is she in an empty classroom, I don’t get it? I love her. ”

“Today’s Jackhole is officials from Warren, Michigan that made this little boy give up his pet pig. How can you say no to that face? How could you say not to that mullet? Give him Chumlee back.”

“Today’s Jackhole is someone I actually love a lot, it’s Alicia Silverstone. This is because she shows us how she feeds her baby and I don’t even know what to say about it. She chews up food and then spits it into his mouth like a little bird. I don’t even care that she does it, it’s her baby, I just had to give her the Jackhole for posting it online and ruining my lunch.”

“Today’s Jackhole is Mad Men for putting that Zou Bisou Bisou song in every single person in America’s head. I went to bed singing it, I woke up singing it, I slammed my head in a taxi door five times, and I’m still singing it. It’s weird and sexy and I maybe kinda like it.”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to a granny in New York who’s suing Apple for a million dollars after she crashed face-first into the glass of one of their stores. She just should have used that granny app that tells grannies when glass is approaching or go to the Genius Bar and learn that glass is solid.”

“Today’s Jackhole is Michael Nuanes who was arrested for alleged domestic assault charges. Why? He claims he was injured by a Justin Beiber doll his girlfriend threw at him. Michael, as a long time owner of a Justin Beiber doll, I can assure you that the only injury he could ever inflict is a broken heart.”

“Today’s Jackhole is Camilla Parker Bowles, the Duchess of Cornwall, who showed up somewhere wearing a brooch that looks suspiciously like a pendant belonging to Princess Diana. Listen, Cammie, taking her man was one thing, but biting her bling? You. Do. NOT! Elton John is gonna write a mean song about that.”

“Tonight’s Jackhole is Timothy Forbes, a dad who when his son’s sixth grade Catholic youth basketball team lost the finals, allegedly punched the coach of the opposing team and bite his ear off. Ok, here’s the deal Timothy, it’s not that guy’s fault you lost, it was the kids on your team. You should be biting their ears off, duh.”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to this dog who was a real show stopper in the Crufts dog competition. This world is so backwards, for that the pooch was disqualified. I don’t know.”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to an encounter I had earlier today; I was to Austin for SXSW this weekend, I love it there. As I was leaving town some lady slammed the car I was riding in, turning the festival into Ouch by Ouchwest. Guess what? I’m in a lot of pain all over my side and you lady, are my Jackhole today.”

“Today’s Jackholes are Denise and David Smart of England for spending 10,000 pounds for plastic surgery for their DOG, Junior. He’s gotten, among other things, a tummy tuck and an eye lift. They claim it was to help him see better, but I bet if Junior was a girl they would have also made him get eight boob implants. Leave that poor puppy alone, you Jackholes!”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to Pat Robinson for weighing in on the devastating tornado attacks on the Midwest. Dear Lord, please make Pat Robinson shut up. Amen. ”

"My Jackhole of the day goes to sun-dried tomatoes. I HATE sun-dried tomatoes. They’re like dirty dead rotten raisins. Rotted. Dried. In the sun. Disgusting. Anyway, now they’re linked to a hepatitis outbreak in the UK. So there!”

“Today’s Jackhole is Kirk Cameron for some comments he made about being gay. Growing pains my ass! Mr. and Mrs. Seaver must be so disappointed in you, Kirk. By the way, you know what else? Just because you refuse to evolve doesn’t mean that evolution doesn’t exist either. And by the way, you know who you’re not going to get to hang out with later, Kirk Cameron? The Candy Coated Knight."

“My Jackhole of the day goes to Ignacio Munoz who allegedly took a teacher hostage and demanded a pound of cush, that’s pot, a car, a PlayStation3 hooked up in the car, and for the Mexican Army to come and pick him up. Sadly his plan was foiled when police shot him in the face with a bean bag.”

“Today’s Jackhole is Jessica Simpson’s baby! Hey baby Simpson, if you’re watching this GET OUT OF YOUR MOTHER! I think the poor thing’s been pregnant for at least two years! That baby has got to come out and when it does come out it’s going straight to it’s driving test.”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to a milk mishap that went down at a UK hospital when nurses mistakenly switched two babies and they got nursed by the wrong mommy. That’s what you get for giving birth in a town called Nottinghamshire. But now that I think about it, having a stranger suck your nipples isn’t that big of a deal - around here we just call that ‘Tuesday Night.’”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to the always classy thingie made of paper that calls itself a news outlet, ‘The National Enquire’ for putting a photo of what they claim is Whitney Houston in her casket on their cover. I am outraged I am insulted. And no, this is not residual anger for them claiming that I’m a man-stealing pothead recently.”

“Today’s Jackhole is Chris Brown and/or Rhianna, I guess it’s not really a Jackhole so much as just a sad sigh over the two of them appearing in each other’s remixes. I guess it’s a complicated situation but knowing what I know I just couldn’t enjoy the music. Will someone please give Rhianna Tina Tuner’s phone number? ”

“My Jackhole tonight goes to this man who turned Disney Land into a tragic kingdom when he had a momentary lapse in judgement and started punching people and was pepper sprayed in the face by security. Listen dude, that kind of behavior is totally inappropriate for Disney Land. Take that stuff where it belongs, Disney World.”

“Today’s Jackhole is Christopher Alan Carlson, a grandfather accused of making his grandsons, aged 12, 9, and 8 hike in 108 degree weather in the Grand Canyon because he thought they were too heavy. He also might have hit and choked them a little, according to the kids. Let’s take a look at that terrible Grandpappy Christopher’s mugshot! Whoa. He’s a Jackhole, but he’s also kind of a GRILF! Call me when you get outta jail, Peepaw!”

“Today’s Jackhole is 17 year old Courtney Stodden and her adopted father, I mean husband, Doug Hutchison. If you were feeling bad about being single this past Valentine’s Day, at least you weren’t out on a date at a restaurant next to these two yuckie duckies. I mean, you are the only person on earth Courtney I think would actually be better off if you were kidnapped. Yet, I always find her oddly attractive, I’m very confused.”

"My Jackhole of the day does to Martin Scorned-cese who tried to sabotage out pal Uggie’s best actor win at the doggie Oscars - aka ‘The Golden Collar Awards” - by creating a public smear campaign against Uggie, claiming the dog in his movie ‘Hugo’ gave a better performance. Well, sorry Marty, Uggie won! All I have to say to you is, who gonna check Uggie, boo?! Oh yeah, and guess what else, Giggy won best performance by a dog in a reality show. So there.”

“Today’s Jackhole really pushes my buttons because I hate it when someone is a snorer but refuses to acknowledge it or do anything about it. Yeah, I’m talking about you, baby dormouse! I hate that guy!”

“My Jackhole goes to congressman John Flemming. He was gullible enough to believe a story in The Onion, of all places, about something called the Abortionplex which he believed was being built and he got publicly upset about it. John,if you’re watching, you should go check out this really cool new place down the street called The Boner Mall.”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to Michigan senate hopeful Pete Hoekstra. He hired an Asian actress to pretend she’s in China on a rice patty to attack his opponent Debbi Stabenow. Let the racism ensure in his video. Pete, you’re a Jackhole and I approve this message.”

“Today’s Jackhole is the Westboro Baptist Church; the gay hating fools who picket anything and everything, particularly soldiers’ funerals. Usually, I don’t say anything about them, because I don’t want to give them the attention that they’re so obviously desperate for, but next week, on their way home from protesting the Super Bowl for whatever insane reason, they’re going to stop in my hometown at my high school and protest. Why? It’s a long story, but suffice to say they don’t like Clayton High’s ‘Equality Club’ AKA, the gay-straight alliance. I just want to tell the kids at Clayton how proud I am of of them and to stand strong. And to Fred Phelps and his gang of goons, your signs don’t bother any of us...but I bet God doesn’t like it when you presume to speak for him. Especially when what you say is so far from Christian.”

"This woman getting hit in the face with a bat while playing with a pinata. The good news is that her tube top was unharmed. The other good news is she now shoots Tootsie Rolls and Pixie Stix out of every orifice."

“Today’s Jackhole is blushing bride Babylonia Aivaz of Seattle. Why? Because this week she married s 107-year-old condemned building, which she says is also female and therefore it was a gay wedding. Listen, Babs, gay people have a hard enough time getting married without banana nut muffins like you making it worse. Plus, you have eyes crazier than me Frankly I’m shocked you weren’t a runaway bride, but that building wouldn’t have chased you, because it’s a building!. And now they’re going to knock it down and you’re going to be a widow.”

“Tonight’s Jackhole goes to a woman who tried to rob a Toledo strip mall accounting firm with a curling iron. Lucky for us, one of the employees, Isaac Underwood, who was on hand dressed as the statue of liberty, tried to stop the crime by chucking a 20oz Pepsi at her face. Lady, don’t you know that if you want to rob a strip mall accounting firm you do it with a crimper?”

"The Bronx zoo for trying to encourage people to pay $10 to name a cockroach after their loved ones this Valentines Day. A) Gross. B) Are the cockroaches going to have little name tags? No, they're just going to take your $10 and point and say, 'Yeah, that's little Zara.' I'm not buying it Bronx Zoo. Focus on keeping track of your cobra and peacocks which keep escaping all over New York City."

“My Jachole of the day goes to East Haven, CT’s mayor Joseph Maturo for getting himself into some taco hell during this interview with WPIX TV. Mayor Maturo dug himself a sizeable hole with his comments but you know what’s worse? Tu eres el senior El Jackhole-o.”

"Costa Concordia cruise lines for offering the survivors of that shipwreck a coupon for 30% off their next cruise. Is that 30% off the price or off the length? Because last time you crashed on the first day."

"Steven Tyler for that atrocious rendition of the national anthem. I think Steven should maybe ball up one of those scarfs and put it into his mouth."

"My jackhole of the day goes to this lovely lady. I’m pretty sure this is an audition tape for the Real Housewives of El Paso. Is it bad that I feel more sorry for the hot tub?"

"In an interview, he said if he'd been on the flight that was hijacked on 9/11, things would have been a lot different, that there would've been blood and they would have landed safely. Mark Wahlberg, you are a great actor and producer, a great model and I've always loved your music. I am also impressed that you have three nipples. But what you said was real dumb, and even though you apologized, I still am required by law to make you the Jackhole. Just for today."

Last night when his husband, Elton John, didn't win a Golden Globe because Madonna did, Mr. Furnish immediately posted on his Facebook wall "Madonna. Best song???? F**k off!!!" Then he posted that her acceptance speech was "embarrassing in its narcissism.' That's what I hear anyway, David Furnish still hasn't yet accepted my friend request.

"Last night when his husband, Elton John, didn't win a Golden Globe because Madonna did, Mr. Furnish immediately posted on his Facebook wall "Madonna. Best song???? F**k off!!!" Then he posted that her acceptance speech was 'embarrassing in its narcissism.' That's what I hear anyway, David Furnish still hasn't yet accepted my friend request."

"Today’s Jackhole is Michael Williams, a commissioner from Shreveport, Louisiana who’s trying to ban citizens from wearing pajamas in public. You can’t do that, we’re Americans, it’s our right to wear jammies, damnit. "

"She's trying to convince her fans to pay big money to take a cruise with her. I know other celebrities have done this in the past but she's no Rosie O'Donnell. Just picture her running around the ship yelling at other family's kids. I can't take it."

"This woman who got so mad at Judge Judy while watching her she, she allegedly got up and hit her husband on the head with a hammer. Getting moody from Judy is one thing but let’s look on the bright side, things could have been way worse if she’d been watching Judge Hatchet."

"Saud bin Nasser Al Shahry from Saudi Arabia who is trying to sell his son on Facebook to avoid living in poverty. First, Jackhole, you don't sell your kid on Facebook, get an eBay account. Second, you’re asking 20 million bucks? The kid’s not even new."