Every time I see Doug on screen, it's hard. I have mourned Doug more than I have mourned my own father's passing. It's so there ... it's so in front of me and I can't run away from it. I've dealt with it for so long now and it's almost public, actually it is because we're filming it. And you can't run away from the camera. It's been a much more healthy mourning process than I've had with even my own family. Because I can always get on the plane from Ohio and just leave. The scenes with Doug and Chao just made me cry. Their relationship is just so deep and that's how it should be for a longtime partner. I cried for a couple of reasons. Knowing the end result is heartbreaking because at this point, none of us knew Doug was that ill. Secondly, seeing the love between them and knowing what I was going through in my relationship, well, it was such a startling contrast. This is what it should be. Boy, I wondered, I've been living a lie for four years and settling for 10% of a relationship. What had I been thinking?
Being on TV has affected the trainers. The egos are abounding. I didn't expect that. So that bootcamp was a good chance for me to see them and let them know that they need to check certain things. I'll allow certain things for a little while but I will not allow disrespect. Brian in particular has been butting up against me and showing disrespect. I've had to put him back in his place. He's an employee and I'll reward him when he does well. But he won't get any rewards if he's a jerk and battling against my authority. Right now this is my business. In this episode I explain my new venture, intensive retreats for people who are serious about making a big life change. This idea came from a personal search. I had looking for a camp I could go to last year before the first show. I wanted to go to a beautiful, natural, aesthetically pleasing setting where someone fed me what I needed to eat and I was worked to a level like a boot camp. But I wanted it all in a beautiful setting where I could make a chemical change and a physical change and just amp it up. I couldn't find it. I looked all over the Internet. I called my friends at Self magazine and Allure, my editor friends, and no one had any ideas. I thought: Oh my gosh, this is a niche that needs to be filled and so I started looking for appropriate partners.