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Can You Ever Come Back From a Bad First Hookup Like Jack Stirrup and Aesha Scott?
Below Deck Mediterranean's Aesha Scott and Jack Stirrup have a different take on the first time they had sex.
How can two people in the same moment see it in such a different way?
Well, Jack blames the lack of space in the bunk beds, while Aesha calls him "girthy" and says he did just fine. Now the Below Deck Mediterranean duo are a couple.
"[It was] very quiet; I was so conscious that I had this camera above my head," Aesha says, adding that overall, it was a good experience.
But what if she had felt the way Jack did? Can you get past a bad — or even horrible — first hookup if you really like the person?
Yes, says relationship and sex expert Susan Winter. She tells Personal Space that couples who become serious often don't start out on the exact same page in bed.
"I cannot tell you how many clients and friends call me complaining about horrible, awkward, bad first sex encounters. The man could not perform, or they were awkward and uptight. Here's what I tell everybody," she says, "If it is the man who doesn’t perform well and is off, I tell them, lucky you."
For a woman, you don't want a man who's too smooth in bed, she says.
"Here’s why: A man is good at what he does repetitively. If you have a guy who performs with ease, this is something he’s practiced a lot. You're just Tuesday night," she says. "You want the partner who’s nervous, off his center, and not so sure of himself for one reason only — the stakes are high for him. Getting with you is a high stakes event. That’s what’s really important. The pressure is on; he wants to do a good job because he cares."
Winter says she's had "the most nervous, horrible sexual encounters" herself filled with jitters and fumbles, "and those were the guys that were madly in love with me."
"The ones that are too good, you’re just another night," she says.
For both men and women, when you don’t care, there’s no pressure, she says.
"It’s a compliment to the person you’re with that you like them. You’re so nervous that you’re bungling and that’s a pretty strong statement," Winter says.
But what happens when you like the person but the sex was truly terrible?
"Say, 'I really like you, I was so nervous. I felt awkward and uncomfortable. I really wanted this to be perfect and I put too much pressure on you and I didn’t want to mess up,'" she advises, adding, "Most men would be more than happy to sleep with you again."
For women, she says, "Maybe the anecdote is let’s go get a coffee or a drink and chat a little bit."
"Oftentimes women are uncomfortable because they’re attracted to the person but don’t really know them," she says. "It’s entirely possible to get past a bad encounter."
She's found that "sometimes with lovers it takes a while to sync up with each other... They’re still auditioning for the role."
Everyone has "hopes and insecurities that can affect sexual performance with a new partner," reports The Chicago Tribune.
Because it can take time to become comfortable with each other, the first time isn't always an indicator of how the future will be.
"If by 'bad,' you mean awkward or not as mind-blowing as you’d hoped, you may want to give it another shot if you really like this person. You should be able to initiate honest and respectful communication about each other’s wants and needs. How your partner responds will provide valuable information," says the report.
Unfortunately, sometimes bad is just bad.
"On the other hand, if you were turned off by the experience, you certainly shouldn’t feel the need to force yourself into another unpleasant encounter, hoping for a better outcome," advises The Tribune.