Protein Bars and Apples? A Look at the Food Items in the 2017 Oscars Gift Bag

Protein Bars and Apples? A Look at the Food Items in the 2017 Oscars Gift Bag

Our completely unprofessional analysis of what's inside.

The biggest mystery at the 2017 Oscars isn’t guessing which film will take home the Best Picture statue, which winner will give the best acceptance speech, or even who wore it best.

What we really want to know is what's inside the notoriously outlandish swag bags given away by the Academy each year to the nominees in the acting and directing categories.

This year the haul, at a value easily exceeding $200,000, ranged from vacation packages to custom crayons and beyond. What interested us most, however, were the food items included. We narrowed down said items and provided our very (un)scientific-ish thoughts below. Read on and be, sort of, educated.

Chocolatines' Drunken Fig Cake Bites

Chocolatines is an award show veteran (featured previously at the 82nd Annual Academy Awards) and therefore possibly already well known among some of the stars in attendance. We, on the other hand, have never been nominated for any of our performances and, as such, have never been gifted these delightful treats. However “fig,” “cake,” and "drunken" are three of our top 10 favorite words so…we'd bet a golden statue they're good.

Chubby Chipmunk Hand-Dipped Chocolates

We’ll gladly give the self-described “most decadent truffles you will ever experience” two thumbs up. And while you might be thinking that so far these gift bags sound a little dessert heavy, keep in mind the recipients have been starving themselves for weeks to fit into their Oscar dress/suit. Now the cameras are gone, the show is over, and if they want to eat something that literally has chubby in the name—it’s totally within their right.

MuscleTech Nitro-Tech Crunch Bars

We spoke too soon, actors and actresses. Your gift bag also contains these protein bars, a sobering reminder that gyms and mean/expensive eastern European trainers still exist. Honestly though, who puts a workout bar in a goodie bag? We’ll take a double order from Chubby Chipmunk instead, thanks.

Naturally Non-Browning and Non-GMO Project Verified Opal Apples

Some celebs don’t even eat strawberries, so GMO foods? Please. Fortunately for them these non-browning apples exist and don’t require any outside manipulation, making it a perfect fit for the bag. But like us you’re probably wondering how this non-browning trickery is even possible. Is it an illusion? Ancient witchcraft? A naturally occurring slow-oxidation rate? We’ll never know.

(Yes, we will. It’s that last thing.)

Rouge Maple Pure Organic Maple Syrup

We’re big fans of maple syrup, but we’re not entirely sure what gives this particular brand of syrup A-list celeb status. It’s undoubtedly delicious and perfect for all your pancake/waffle/overnight oats needs, but it might not be the most outlandish item in the bag.

Then again it sure beats a vape.

Personal In-House Sommelier Services From The Loving Somm

Don’t think a personal sommelier for the night is cool? Let us set the scene: You’re hosting your latest classy dinner party. Ryan Gosling says something droll like, “Did you know La La Land is a nickname for LA?” and you and Viola Davis politely chuckle. Suddenly your personal sommelier emerges from the kitchen with the perfect after-dinner port. You retire to the veranda and everyone toasts your exquisite taste. You’ve made it, and no one will ever know your usual vice is boxed wine.

Freshly Harvested Pecans From the National Pecan Shellers Association

These perfectly grown and cultivated batches of carya illinoinensis provide a protein-packed and nourishing respite from the rigors of the spotlight that—who are we are kidding? It’s a pack of nuts.

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