Think you know all the gross things about having a baby? New mom Bekki Pope has some news or you.
Bekki, who writes the blog Mummy Mumbles, wrote a Facebook post, which has gone viral, titled “20 things to know when you’ve just pushed out a baby.”
Her post has so far been shared over 80,000 times, including by new daddy Ashton Kutcher.
She starts out with the pain—after giving birth. Yes, there’s more pain.
“The after pains. Pain. After. Who knew? When God designed women to give birth, he well and truly screwed us over,” she writes, talking about peeing for the first time after popping out a human.
“Take a jug with you and pour it over your bits like you're trying to be a star in some very disturbing porno. It helps.”
Life is not a diaper commercial, she explains.
“Your baby looks weird. Like ... Really weird. 'Oh how cute/such a beautiful baby' etc will be said at you and you'll accept other people's opinions, but to you it looks like a hairless slightly purple old grandad with dried blood and skin stuck to its wrinkly face.”
Also their personality sucks at first.
“Your baby hates you. It's not crying. It's communicating with its master—the devil—about how successful their plan to destroy you is going.”
The hospital food is terrible, but worse than usual terrible—because the hospital wants you to get the hell out.
“The peaches are just body parts soaked in sugar overnight,” she writes. “They want you to go home ASAP. You are taking up valuable bed space and now you have delivered your stinky human bundle and they've checked it over to make sure it isn't a live Picasso painting, you're free to leave. Don't. Not until you're ready. Get all the help and advice you need before going home. Because once you're at home, your baby is expecting you to know what you're doing and you'll wish you'd stayed longer at the hospital. If to only delay the car seat fiasco a little longer.”
But she signs off like the super mom she is, saying, “There's nothing you can't do.”
“Except sleep. You can't do that anymore.”
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