*Sigh* is all I can really muster as I look at the Instagram pics and videos of Jenna Dewan-Tatum pillow fighting with her girlfriends for fun.
"An actual unprompted girls night pillow fight just went down," she wrote on Instagram, attached to a picture of herself giggling in bed with a bralette on. Ha. Ha. Ha.
I'd like to call BS.
No, Jenna DT, grown women do not have pillow fights when we have sleepovers. Guys, in case this unleashed some fantasy where you knew, you just knew we had pillowfights behind your back when you weren't around, I can assure you, we do not. We pretty much sit around with no makeup on wondering if we have gas. Sorry. We do not wear lingerie and we do not laugh and giggle while hitting each other with comfy down-filled fluffy head rests then fall off to sleep all like "thank goodness for good girlfriends to pillow fight with."
No, no, no.
Not in my world, anyway. Here is what a sleepover looks like in my world. Let's use my best girlfriend Leigh as an example. Mom of three young kids, house in New Jersey which I honestly never want to travel to unless it's scorching hot in July and her pool is open and I Facetime her that I'm getting on the train because I miss her, AKA, I am hot and stuck in the city and I want to sit on a float in the deep end and drink three bottles of Rose and eat chips and pass out on her couch in front of her huge TV watching complete garbage.
I will come under the guise of "helping with the kids," but all that involves is making sure her daughter doesn't eat AA batteries from the remote control on my watch (stores 'em in her cheeks) and me polishing off the kid's plastic bowl of pasta with melted butter when my friend is not looking.
And there's no lingerie. I don't even own lingerie. That's for models and people who don't itch easily. I shove a pair of Old Navy pajama pants (patterns include bicycles, shamrocks, or cats on them) in an overnight bag and put them on as soon as I get out of the pool. If I forget them, I have to borrow her pajamas, which are the worst rags I've ever seen. I, 100 percent of the time, forget a bathing suit and have to borrow one. I know. Disgusting. I am disgusting. Well, guess what? I've also forgotten my toothbrush on a few occasions and have used hers because I can't get on the train back to the city with a rotten, awful mouth full of hangover breath and old pasta. Oh, the train you ask? Yes, the miserable 50-minute long train into Penn Station, the last place on earth you want to pull into on a hot summer day. I fall for it every time. She promises she will drive me back to the city but never does once I am actually there. But hey, I also promised to "look after the kids," and I basically don't even interact with them. They are loud, and they cry. They always want to play dinosaurs which I'm not really into at all. Ugh and Frozen. How many times? How many? At least when I'm under the water in the pool I can't hear.
So, no pillows, Jenna. I'm not sure when they would even come into play. Maybe when I'm in my friend's bed? It's not sexy in the JDT way, believe me. The last time I was there her bedroom air conditioner was pumping and her bed is huge, so myself, the three kids, two dogs (one huge) and Leigh all fell asleep in it. That was the same day I just said "whatever, I'm using her toothbrush" so clearly our boundaries need work. The whole thing is sick. Also, we fall asleep at like 7:30 so not sure when it would get so wild and crazy. Maybe when I wake up to pee at 11? Hey I was thinking, "we should have a pillow fight."
And the whole invite to sleep over isn't so sweet either. The last time I stayed there was during a huge snowstorm after she yelled at me "You promised!" and made me feel bad and swore she had wine in the house (she did not) so off I went an hour into Jersey where her car got snowed in and the next day I waited in the freezing cold for the train back to the city where normal people live.
Do your friends yell at you to stay over Jenna? And who are these friends that are like "cool, yeah a pillow fight sounds amazing, see you at 8." I must say, if you slam me in the head with a pillow, the night probably won't end well. And where's Channing during all this? Does he come home and ask why there are stray feathers in the master bedroom? "Jenna, not again!"
The other sleepover I usually have is at my older sister's house. She knows to buy wine and have pizza and to just leave me alone. I eat and drink everything in sight and take the downstairs TV to myself, wear her pajamas, snuggle with her cat and definitely steal something like a lipgloss or a shirt in the morning. Usually later that week she calls asking if I've seen whatever it is I've taken, but the answer is always "no." We don't have pillow fights either because that would just be super creepy and something that would require extensive therapy to understand why mommy encouraged us to hit each other in the face with pillows instead of talking it out. Mostly, she just lets me be and I go peep in her refrigerator about 60 times throughout the course of the night. We usually discuss Oprah, then I'm off to dreamland. And if I saw my sister in lingerie I'd probably puke. She's got a great body, but keep that to yourself sista, the Kardashians we are not. No need for exposed nipples in this family, thanks.
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