Professional Bridesmaid Pens Juicy Book On Her Job: Always A Bridesmaid (For Hire)

Professional Bridesmaid Pens Juicy Book On Her Job: Always A Bridesmaid (For Hire)

Here is an exclusive excerpt. 

By Jen Glantz

Jen Glantz is really a bridesmaid for hire. She's written about her job here. And now she has a book, detailing her adventures in wedding land--even if she doesnt know some of the brides.

Here is an excerpt from the book, "Always a Bridesmaid (For Hire), by Jen Glantz, on sale Feb. 7.

"Oh, You’ll Totally Wear it Again (Twenty Things You Can Really Do with an Old Bridesmaid Dress).

Brides always trick themselves into believing that the dresses they pick out for their bridesmaids will be something they can toss on again, as casually as a T-shirt or a beach caftan. It helps curb the guilt of asking friends and family to crack into their savings accounts.

But I always want to ask these adorably naive brides where they think I’ll wear this dress again. My social calendar is filled with solo Netflix and chill nights, not with invitation-only galas and balls at the Waldorf Astoria. Sure, I could wear it again to another wedding when I’m just a guest, but I’d prefer to spend my off-duty time not looking, acting, or feeling like a bridesmaid. I’d prefer to swap out the duchess satin knee-length lavender number for something Angelina Jolie would wear to the Oscars (or a knock-off version from T. J. Maxx, of course).

The truth, dear brides and bridesmaids, is that you will never wear those dresses again. Even if your heart has good intentions and you’re trying to brainwash yourself into thinking a dye job and some tailoring will earn the dress front-of- closet status, we ’90s babes know that a hot-pink mesh tank top from Hot Topic is a mesh pink tank top from Hot Topic: we can do what we want to it, but we will never be able to wear it again.

So if your closet is the size of a double-wide sleeping bag and you don’t want to use up the precious real estate with body bags filled with polyester, chiffon, and satin, here are some practical alternatives that won’t have you stuffing those dresses underneath your bed. (I wonder if monsters look good in blush?)

Leave it in your hotel room as a gift for housekeeping since they’ll probably have to clean up after your postwedding, hungover, hot-mess self. Maybe they can use it to scrape your fake eyelashes off the countertop. Tulle is particularly effective for this.

Try to return it and get your moolah back. Macy’s has an exceptional return policy. I once returned a bridesmaid dress I bought there, with three coupons, and wore for only eight hours at a wedding—though after reading this, they’ll probably ban me from returning bridesmaid dresses with the tags ripped off and the bottom looking as if it came in contact with a shredder.

Related to point one, use them as rags around the house. My mom used to do this with old T-shirts that I grew out of (or stained with mustard and was no longer allowed to wear in public). Cut them up into large squares, and use them to dust your dresser or lift freshly spilled wine from your carpet.

Sew them into a tablecloth or curtains for your living room. I’m not that crafty, but there are YouTube videos about this, as well as grandmas, somewhere, who can help you cut and paste it together. (And no, I’m not talking about on a computer.)

Stuff them into the very back of your closet, where the spider webs and cockroach traps live. Have them snuggle beside your high school jeans that fit you like capri pants now. Let them nudge themselves next to your winter boots and pizza- stained snuggie.

To read all twenty things you can do with your Old Bridesmaid Dress, grab a copy of the book!

Jen Glantzis the world’s first professional bridesmaid and founder of Bridesmaid for Hire. Her new book, Always a Bridesmaid (For Hire) [Atria Books] is available now. She can be found in New York City wearing old bridesmaid dresses to the grocery store, on first dates, or double-fisting slices of one-dollar pizza.

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