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How Do You Solve a Problem Like Dina?

Chris thinks Dina was happy with her gown. Sort of.

Let's face it, as you can see from the very beginning of this episode, this woman has everything. Her closet isn't a closet, it's an addition on to her friggin' house! (Not that I haven't seen worse...Danielle Steel's closet is the bottom floor of the Spreckle's mansion in San Francisco, so she's got Dina beat in sheer square footage!) A hallway of at least 1,000 pairs of shoes leads to her "closet," arranged by designer and color. So basically if she can have anything she wants -- why hire me? Yes, another drag queen was wearing her dress at last year's Night of a Thousand Gowns (or, as me and my friends refer to it, Night of a Thousand Clowns, Frowns, Wrinkles, or Facelifts). But that's what's going to happen if you shop at the Paramus Mall.

Hollywood glamour, stat! This is what she wanted. But she could go to anyone for that. So, in a Faustian twist, we made the dress out of glittered canvas. Stunning, incredible, show-stopping stuff to say the least. Also stiff, scratchy as hell, tight, and impossible to be comfortable in. She asked for it -- we have the footage. Was she as unhappy as she seems at the fitting? Maybe it was a touch dramatic, but that's what fittings are for -- to make adjustments. We made adjustments and she was happy. Sort of. Dina just doesn't get that happy. The happiest I've seen her is when she's playing with her Chihuahua that's missing legs. Go figure.

When Dina was good and glamorous, we turned our energies to Pepper, (Alex) who was being crowned Empress that night. Huge braided hairdo sculptures and silver Queen of Outer Space headpieces, stat! All the things that make a pretty "girl" feel prettier on her night of glamour. Pepper is one of the most clever and outrageous bitches in the drag world, so watch out if it's her night. She looked incredible -- no surprise to any of us. She worked hard for that title and deserved one night of pure celebration. Now, back to work!

One thing cut out of the episode was my own appearance in drag at the event. Dressed as...drum roll please...The Black Swan! Nervy, I know. But if Natalie Portman can dress as a self-obsessed maniacal diva, so can I! We all had great fun, and another Night of a Thousand Gowns was over in New York City, leaving behind only some broken heels and a stray eyelash or two. And a girdle that everyone swears they will never wear again. Until next year.

See you soon,


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