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This week we went to the mountains and stayed in the log cabin. But before we got to stay in the log cabin, we did a photo shoot and instead of having the photographer pick a top three and a bottom 3 -- the photographer was going to pick a top 3 and 1 person to go back to NY. Hearing this put a little more pressure on me; I didn't want to go back to NY. So the photographer picked the pairs we were going to be in and I was in the only group that had 3 in it. Which was Shannon, Perry and myself.
The photo shoot was the 3 of us running down the hill of snow sliding to a mark. It wasn't easy to slide all at the same time -- all of our shoes had a different traction, so we would slide at different speeds. But I felt as though I did well and wasn't picked to go home so I got to go to the log cabin. It was so beautiful. It was nice to be able to relax and get away from the city, but when we got back we had to do our catwalk and I was practicing so much on my walk I think I psyched myself out of having a good catwalk.
The panel they said I was a thinker and I sometimes can't go to sleep because my mind won't slow down. The panel said I have a lot of potential, but I didn't think I recognized. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable in my skin, I am a Buddhist and I've recently come to realize how hard it is to be a model and be a Buddhist at the same time.
When I read Buddhist books before I got here, they would talk about the act of being self centered and if you want central peace -- being self centered doesn't help you find that mental peace and using pride, arrogance, and other selfish acts hinders your ability to practice, love and compassion which is a big part of Buddhism.
But when modeling we have to call upon these emotions that I train myself to stem away from, like when I'm practicing poses and catwalk in the mirror -- I have to use this arrogant expression. I guess I have to work on this balance between the 2 and stop over thinking so that I can realize how much potential I truly have.