The Middle-East Side Story

It’s only the second week of the Shahs and the golden hoop earrings have already come off. I’m shocked that GG gracefully waited until the second week to start a fight. And what was all the fighting about, you ask?

None other than big noses and egos -- which basically equates to every fight in (insert Persian household here). I kid, I kid. My mother would be mortified reading that so I had to put that disclaimer in for her. Mom (I know you’re reading), for the record, a comedian never apologizes for their jokes and I just did. You’re welcome.

If you guys haven’t watched the episode yet, here’s what you missed in a nutshell:

GG and MJ commiserate over Asa/Omid/GG/nose-gate from the last episode, while Pablo and Julio train to be fit Chihuahuas. The best part of the conversation was GG claiming she didn’t remember Omid’s hand up her skirt.

Here’s the thing. . .I know she was wasted, but the “I don’t remember, I was drunk” card only works in your 20s. For God’s sake, THEY WENT HOME TOGETHER! GG, come on! Where did you wake up the next morning? You’re only as good as your excuses. I feel like when she’s sober, she’s Golnesa, and when she’s a s---ty kitty, she’s GG. And GG was most definitely out at the dinner party.

Moving on. . .

We meet Asa’s parents (I think for the first time -- unless I missed something last season), and they’re strangely average for having a daughter like Asa! Totally not what I expected! During lunch, they insist that she go back to school, but Asa reminds them that she is the Persian Pop Priestess. Which I suppose means she like the Persian equivalent to Gaga. . .

Back to Asa’s parents. . .

Here’s the thing with Persian parents, they have this inherent need for their child to be a doctor or a lawyer. Want to know what I got my undergrad degree in? Biology. My parents won that battle. But, what am I doing now? Telling knock-knock jokes and blogging. My career is on fire, ha! Thankfully, I have an MBA as a back up (as my parents say). And no joke, my Dad is still trying to convince me to get my Ph.D. He just wants the prefix "Dr." in front of my name. He can’t help himself. I feel your pain, Asa!

Speaking of doctors and lawyers, in this episode we also learn that Persian Barbie, Lilly, used to practice law! However, she’s not practicing right now because she didn’t feel you could have sex appeal in the courtroom. So she started a "swimgerie" line. It’s a cross between swimwear and lingerie, or as I like to call it: waterproof underwear. I’m glad she’s decided to go into a more highbrow profession. Her Iranian parents must be proud. She’s a business owner! But Lilly said it herself; at least she has law to fall back on. . .or her boobs to fall forward on. Too much?

We finally meet MJ’s dad as she dyes his hair blue on her Persian rug. First of all, do you know how expensive those rugs are? Let’s just say if it could fly, it would. MJ should really consider relocating her beauty shop from the rug to the kitchen. Second, where did MJ buy her Dad’s hair dye? The 99 Cent Store? Because he looked like the Persian Papa Smurf with hairy ears, minus the red tights. No joke.

Once I got passed the blue hair, I was able to finally focus on her Dad; and I LOVE him. I feel really bad for him because I bet Vida used to walk all over him like MJ’s Persian rug.

Later in the episode MJ goes to therapy to talk about her Mommy issues. I can’t help but feel bad for her sometimes. Anyone who had to deal with a mom like Vida deserves a hug. But I’ll say this…MJ needs to move farther than a quarter-mile away from her mom. It’s time to cut the umbilical cord, even if it’s gold. Being Persian, I know it’ll be tough for a Persian girl to be far away from her mom, but maybe Vida’s European vacation will be good for everyone, except for her bird.

While MJ is doing her own thing, Asa and Reza go to a famous Persian psychic named Shohreh. According to Asa, if you google "Persian Psychic," Shohreh’s face will pop up. For the record, I googled her, and couldn’t find her. . .and now I’m officially hexed. Any way, Shohreh tells Reza that he’s really connected to his mom, but his dad isn’t really in the picture, and Reza is shocked by her knowledge.

He asks Asa if she’s mentioned anything to the psychic, and Asa assures Reza she did nothing of the sort. Think, Reza! How would she know? Could it be that EVERY Persian in the country watches this show!?! So it’s pretty safe to say that the whole Iranian community knows about your daddy issues. Some call it being a fan of the show, while Shohreh calls it psychic.

Anyway, when all is said and done, Reza tells Asa that he’s in the middle of a gay life crisis. He reveals that he’s dating somebody new (Adam), but still wants booty on the side. Who does he think he is? Big Pun? Later we see Reza on a date with Adam, and though it was cute, their dynamic wasn’t a shocker. Adam was quiet and Reza was a ham. Here we see life imitate art (Or is it art imitate life? I can never be sure with reality TV) and just like Shahs, this relationship is clearly destined to be The Reza Show (and I’m not complaining).

I don’t want to get into Reza and Adam too much because we still have the ENTIRE fight to cover. . .so let’s get to it!

It’s the big pool party that Asa invited everyone to at her friends’ house. Big Mistake. HUGE. GG rolls up in a Ferrari with Omid (NO COMMENT) and mumbles to herself, "I don’t see any food, so I better start drinking."

You know what that means in GG talk? FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Before we get to the drama, can we please comment on Omid's hair band? What was he wearing? I understand the use of it, and God bless him for trying to make it look cool, but the high school girls' soccer team called and they ALL want their hair bands back. . .and their neon shirts.

But I digress. All is well in the beginning. . .Mike and Reza are talking real estate shop, while Omid and Asa try to reconcile their differences. “Try” is the key word here. The two of them go back and fourth about the night when GG chimes in defending Omid. I could be wrong, but I thought GG didn’t remember most of that night. . .remember your lies, girl.

The fight escalates over Asa’s “big nose” comment, and then GG reveals to us that her nose was an issue growing up and that she had plastic surgery. Fair enough. . .my unibrow and body hair were an issue growing up, but I never played a victim. Then Asa decides to poke at GG more by pointing out how GG always causes drama at parties.

Apparently “drama” is GG’s “buzzword” because homegirl takes off her gold hoops J-Woww style, and attacks!

Drunk MJ couldn’t hold her back. Her friends couldn’t hold her back. She was like Scrappy Doo (Scooby’s nephew). “Let me at ‘em, let me at ‘em!” The girls finally separate to their own corners of the boxing ring, and by that I mean Asa moves on to play a leisurely game of H.O.R.S.E. in her coverall and gold bow, while Mike tries to calm GG down to no avail. Then, Scrappy Doo GG runs back to Asa. . .only to be intercepted by Omid and escorted out. Asa continues to talk smack and play H.O.R.S.E. until GG is gone and then keeps the fight going (while she’s on a roll) by calling MJ two-faced for taking GG’s side.

Here’s what I think of that situation. I think MJ has the curse of the people pleaser. She hates fighting and will put up with everything. Just look at her relationship with her mom. How the hell is Asa expecting MJ to stand up for her when she can’t even stand up for herself? Plus, our Persian Snooki was hammered; not as drunk as we saw her in Vegas last season, but her silence and her drunk stagger were dead giveaways. Asa should have stopped a long time ago with GG because she’s smarter than that. She knows how to push her buttons and relentlessly kept pushing them.

My verdict: Forget about Team GG, that Persian yacht is long gone. She’s Omid and his hair band’s problem now. As for Team Asa or MJ? I need more information before I pick a side. All I can say is I CAN’T WAIT FOR NEXT WEEK! This season is so damn good! I can’t take it!