It was the most watched television event of the year last night as more than 114 million people plopped down on their sofas for the biggest day in sports. Luckily, The People's Couch's Julie Goldman was also tuning in—and we asked her to sound off on the best, weirdest, and wildest things she saw. See below for her list—and find out why it'll be the last telecast she'll ever watch. Plus: Be sure to check out her new comedy show, Take a Walk on the Softer Side, on February 7 in Los Angeles, and follow her on Instagram.
I have actually never watched a game of anything in its entirety. I can't stand sports. Watching them that is. I don't know why. It should be in my lesbian blood to be all into sports and sports stuff. But especially with football—I just find myself checking out. In addition, I literally have no idea what in the hell is going on in the actual game. There's a ball, helmets, tackling and tight Capri pants. I mean, those things I actually like. With that said. The Super Bowl. Let's talk about the Super Bowl. Here are my Top 5 moments.
1. The Patriots
I'm from Boston. Sooooooo. Go Pats? I actually found myself caring that they won—I guess cause New England is in my blood. But by caring I mean like when my brother comes home and talks about why he cares about his team. I don't really care but I care about him so I'm glad his team won. But really...I don't care.
2. The commercials
I have to say they really didn't meet my expectations. Basically, for four hours in between all the men homoerotically mashing into each other all culminating in man piles of men pushing and grunting and falling and smacking each others' butts were a series of commercials selling cars, beer, movies and anything that can put a woman in her right place: in a bikini or as a dutiful wife. My lez eyes and brain are already exploding.
Doritos were my favorite part of the entire bowl. And what I mean is definitely not the commercial that fell flat but the two bags I ate to satiate my boredom and to make the sexism go away.
4. The commentators
I like to call them toupes and veneers yelling.
5. Katy Perry's Half-Time Show
I can't say I'm a huge Katy Perry fan but I do enjoy many of her songs. As far as her performance? Here's what. Lip sync. Lip sync. Lip sync. Also. "I Kissed a Girl" duet with Lenny Kravitz!? How about WITH ANOTHER GIRL. Sorry. Not into it.
So all in all I have to say. Super Bowl. Not for me. I'm happy I watched it and finally got to experience something that most people on the planet enjoy but. I have to admit it's just not my thing. Not to mention there wasn't a new episode of a Housewives. Now put the Super Bowl of Housewives on. And. I. Am. In.
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