Brandi the Lady, Paul the Tree

Hello lovers, trees, and vodka fans. We are almost at the end of this season's journey, but of course there is much, much more drama before we are done. Let's try to make sense of this penultimate craziness shall we?

Pandy, the Pink Panther
Lisa is doing her best to relax in the face of all things housewarming/vow renewal. She does her best to grin and endure Ken picking out his best pink shirt (Like you had to ask Ken! Lisa always wants you in pink!) because she loves him and that's what people in love do. They make sacrifices that result in heart-arches. But Lisa's very, very curious about Ken's vows, so she puts Pandora on the case of figuring out what he's going to opine. If I had to guess it's something that's going to make us all cry. . . but that's just a guess. Hopefully Pandora decides to force Giggy to wear a wire to get to the bottom of it, because wouldn't that be adorable? Giggy the informant!

Meanwhile, Adrienne's prepping for a party of her own. She's launching a line of red velvet vodka called Zing. And so she wants to throw a party that's appropriately sweet and covered in cream cheese frosting -- just kidding, it's covered in sensual body paint. Yes, there are all sorts of statuesque folks in their finest tree camouflage, hands poking out of faux bushes, and enough light-up vodka to keep everyone entertained. But all those woodland humans aren't enough to lure Lisa and Brandi, who decide to skip the whole shindig in favor of massages and letting Ken prove how great his new hip works. Ah, the wonders of modern medicine.

Make Like a Tree
Anyway, back at Zing-a-palooza, Paul is doing his best to commune with nature . . by becoming one with nature and covering himself in body paint. Yes, he's getting his trunk sprayed down for the wonderful visual sight gag that is him hidden amongst the beautiful bodies. I have to give it up for this man -- he commits to the bit. A good joke necessitates that kind of dedication.

Of course, we find later that it doesn't matter what sort of flora or fauna Paul is disguised as. But for now, let's all enjoy his moment of hilarity.

Not hilarious to Marisa, Brandi suggesting to that she and Dean should give each other a hall pass to spice up their marriage. And so she shows the ladies the text in question causing Kyle, Camille, Adrienne, and Faye take some serious issue with Brandi's suggestion. (Aside: Did anyone see that Owen Wilson movie Hall Pass? Was it hilarious? More hilarious than Paul in the tree? This just reminded me).

Yolanda doesn't find it particularly funny that Marisa is bringing this up to anyone but Brandi. But what ends up being funny (less ha ha and more "funny") is that when people start talking about Brandi's flirtations, it's Kyle defends Brandi and says she wouldn't get involved with a married man. Surprise! Did you predict Kyle would ever defend Brandi? And we thought the Mayans came up with crazy stuff.Faye takes this opportunity to remind Kyle of supposedly went down at the White Party. According to lore, Brandi was found in the bathroom hooking up with a certain gap-toothed gentleman. But Faye doesn't have any real evidence. And Yolanda is not having this trash talk session.

Til Now Do Us Part
Next we see Lisa prepping for her party, and dealing with the announcement that Adrienne and Paul have separated. One does wonder if the balance of Beverly Hills means that every divorce occurs as a vow renewal is being hosted. . .

But truly, as much as Adrienne and Paul bickered, it always seemed like they really loved each other. Obviously one never knows what goes on behind closed doors, but there was a time when these two seemed like a perfect pair.

Meanwhile things are working out for Kevin's heart-arches but not for the flowers in Lisa's pool. And thus, Kevin commits to his party by stripping to his skivviees and getting into the pool to move things into their proper places.

That man is committed to his craft, and included in that is shaving and moisturizing his legs to perfection.

Once Kevin is out of the pool, the party begins. Guests are arriving, and people seem to be picking up the suspicious appearance of a pastor and an abundance of roses.

Also, on people's mind, Adrienne and Paul's absence -- even without them there Brandi wants to discuss that rumor about her behavior at the White Party and the recent Radar Online stories about it.

And so when she gets a moment, Brandi and Yolanda pull Marisa aside to discuss Text-gate. This goes about as well as one can imagine. . .

At a certain point, Faye decides it'd be best to hope in and help Marisa out. Faye accuses Brandi of controlling everything and warns Yolanda that she's being misled. At that point, Faye chimes in to discuss Brandi’s ladylike behavior and to blame Brandi for the demise of the Maloof/Nassif union.

Yikes! Can't we focus on the love that is about to unfold and not the purse-to-lady ratio? Can these women ever have a party that doesn't result in terror and tears?

Next week we'll see (and we'll be treated to the reunion immediately after -- no waiting!). Until then, leave your guess for how many tissues the vow ceremony will necessitate. I'm going with five, because I'm a sap for people declaring their love while holding dogs in tiny tuxedos.