This episode was a roller coaster of emotions for me. Honestly, I had to watch it a few times before I could really process how I feel about it. And the conclusion is I’m perplexed! Did anyone else notice that almost every single scene of this episode involved me in some way? I mean, isn’t it odd that I’m the conversation topic of Eileen and Vince’s romantic dinner out?! And that’s just ONE out of many examples in today’s episode. Even though Lisa V.’s surprise birthday party was such a blast, people were still talking about me. I just don’t get it. It’s getting to a point where I actually feel bad for them—I would hate talking about me all the time. Haha!
But in all seriousness, I wish people would just stop trying to intrude in my life and “fix” a problem that doesn’t exist. Would it break their hearts terribly to know and accept that I am healthy and well? I hate to sound like a broken record, but yes, I made a mistake when I took Monty’s pain pill to relieve the chronic pain from my injuries, and yes, I am still sober and strong mentally and physically. However, that one situation did not give anyone the right to spread the rumor that I had relapsed and been drinking. According to the recovery programs, a relapse is when someone preeminently abandons their recovery plan completely by choice. I didn’t do that, and these women know I didn’t, because they interacted and had spoken with me many times following the poker night, and they’ll tell you I had been and am fine. Their constant chatter about me honestly feels like they’re belittling all the hard work I’ve put into my recovery for the past three years. Now, this has only become a big deal because they made it a big deal.
After the table read at Eileen’s, I shared that I tend to isolate myself and pull away from people during hard times, and that was me recognizing my tendency as a warning sign. Recognizing what I did when I was using is the healthiest part of being a recovering alcoholic, so I can pull myself out of moments of weakness. I am sober and strong today, because I know these warning signs. It’s hurtful and disrespectful that Lisa R. turned my words around and used it against me, saying how I feared reverting back to old habits. During Lisa’s surprise party, Yolanda pulled me aside and told me that Lisa R. was talking to different people about me and how I was drinking again/using pills. That’s actually the first time I found out that people were talking about me and relapsing! The whole time I thought they were just worried about how I was coping with Monty’s situation. I am so thankful for Yolanda—I love her so much. I would have never known the truth. What a rude awakening!
I understand privacy is not easily defined and exposure comes with the job, but certain parts of my recovery journey is for me only—my health, my mind, and my soul.
Throughout my sobriety, I have shared much of my journey with you all. As part of my recovery program, I work with a great life coach, Gary, who is accessible to me 24/7 as well as a close-knit group of sober friends and family I speak to everyday. My support system isn’t just Brandi and Kyle. I don’t need Kyle to be there for me every single moment of every single day. The reason why these ladies don’t know everything about this integral part of my life is because I don’t shout it out on the rooftops, and I choose to be private about some things (because this is what works for me). Growing up as a child actress and being part of a “reality” show, I understand privacy is not easily defined and exposure comes with the job, but certain parts of my recovery journey is for me only—my health, my mind, and my soul. And I shouldn’t have to justify my actions and decisions to anyone else.
Choosing to be silent during some arguments and conflicts is also something I consciously decide to do for my own sake, including the Kyle and Brandi drama. After all these years, you and I both know that there is nothing anyone can do to fix their relationship until THEY decide to mend it. Sometimes, I choose to sit out because I am TIRED of the drama and just want to focus on my life, my family, and my sobriety, which is like a full-time job. I am grateful to be here today, but you never forget the dark once you’ve been there. It’s precisely this feeling of vulnerability that drives me to do better and stay sober every day. Hope this resonates with and helps those going through tough times.