First, I just want to say thank you, once again, to everyone who tuned in for Episode 5. And secondly, my sincerest apologies for losing myself like that. That’s the best way I can say it: I lost myself. Please understand that it was never my intention to go on national television and break down in such a way, but let’s face it, I was broken that night. It was a hard night for me, and watching it again was much harder. So let’s talk about it.
When I heard Tiffany Hendra say that she felt like she was miles away from me, it made me want to cry. As a matter of fact, I cried a lot watching this episode, because there are two things I can’t stand: that I doubted her love for me and I can’t stand to watch her hurt, especially if I was the one who hurt her.
When Tiffany said that she’s a Ride-or-Die girl in her interview, I agree with that completely. But that night, I truly felt like she wasn’t fully with me. I felt all alone. Have you ever had that feeling that everyone seems to be focusing on you, attacking you, and you are all by yourself? That’s how I felt that night. Abandoned and alone.
Now let’s talk about that party…
When I walked out of the party, I was moments away from having a complete breakdown. I just needed to go cry and let all of the hurt and anger OUT. I didn’t want to verbally spar with anyone. And I SURE didn’t want anyone continuing to GO AT ME! I just wanted to be left alone.
I hate having confrontations with Tiffany. It’s like fighting with my own heart. It’s the most powerfully painful and unnatural feeling in the world. I think her intentions of bringing me over to Brandi were sincere. It was Tiffany, the peacemaker. But I think Brandi Redmond just didn’t want peace at that moment. Brandi is the one who, once again, came at me aggressively with her words. I allowed it for a bit and then I felt the need to defend myself. You can only poke a bear so long before its nature kicks in.
I also want to address the fact that Stephanie Hollman was wrong in her assumption of how I defend myself. I would never extend a conversation about one person to their entire family. That’s not how I operate and that’s not who I am. As far as me threatening Stephanie, just hit the rewind button. Stephanie insinuated herself in to the argument by sarcastically saying, “Classy.” If she didn’t want to become a part of the argument, then she should have stayed out of it. Easy as that. Don’t provoke someone if you can’t handle a response.
When Tiffany approached me on the street, I’d already processed what I had done. I couldn’t take it back, and I just wanted to leave. I didn’t want anyone to come after me. I was aware that there was a film crew following me, which is what pushed me over the top – I wanted to be free of the eyes watching me and the judgment. That’s when I hit the camera, which I regret and am sorry for.
I TRUSTED ABSOLUTELY NO ONE AT THAT POINT. I went right back to THAT place in my mind when I was three years old. Back to a time when there was no one I could trust. No one to protect me. No one to help me. I felt more alone than I have felt in a VERY long time. I can’t explain to anyone that feeling unless you’ve gone through it. When Tiffany came after me, I didn’t want her to. I just wanted her to stay at the party.
But deep down, I knew she was checking on me, she WAS having my back, like she said. I had been pushed beyond my limit that night. When she was yelling at me, all I could think was “She is really mad at herself because she’d been the one who unknowingly brought me into the lion’s den.” And she hated that.
Tiffany does always take up for me, and you know what? That’s a tough burden to bear. She is constantly defending me, always being put in the middle - not by me, but by the other girls. Her role as a peacemaker makes her a mediator. She doesn’t deserve to have to take that on. She wants to be a happy person and she deserves to be.
The charity event where Tiffany and I weren’t speaking was rough. It was hard not speaking to my best friend. But Tiffany and I can be in the same place and not speak to each other and still be completely communicating. She knew I was happy that she showed up to support a charity that I care so much about. She knew that things were going to work out. This isn’t the worst fight we’ve had, and it won’t be the last. When you love as MUCH as we do, you fight just as hard sometimes. It was hard not to hug her or tell her I loved her, but honestly I knew we both had to be ready before we talked again.
Why didn’t I want Brandi to see me cry? So far, this season all you’ve seen of me is standing up for myself, defending myself, verbally responding to the other women coming at me and that is the worst feeling in the world. What you have to understand is that I WILL NOT let someone who is trying to break me, see me break. Breaking down means tears and showing my weakness. Well, she doesn’t get to see that. That is a private thing only people I love get to see. During my YEARS of being tortured as a child, only a handful of people got to see me break. It’s just how I have programmed myself so that I could SURVIVE!
To this day, people still tell me, “You’re strong, so strong,” but sometimes I just need people to know that I can be weak, too. Why do you have to see my cry or push me to that breaking point to prove I can be weak? Why can’t you just see me as a person from the start and KNOW that I can be hurt, too? I can cry, too. I have feelings.
Stay tuned everyone, I have a story to tell as well, and I hope you stick around to hear it.
By the way, I love that Brandi is getting a chance to meet her grandfather. What a treasure. I miss my grandparents so much, and I hope that that is a relationship that brings tremendous joy to her and her children.