Thank you all again for watching and keeping up with all our shenanigans.
First, as I write this, my eyes are overwhelmingly pouring with tears. I am truly sorry for the pain, heartache, and embarrassment I’ve caused the Deuber family. I love and respect the family as my friends and their practice. I have never done something so low and hurtful in my life. Not only am I disappointed in myself, but I can’t imagine how people must feel that are constantly on the move to bring others down. It’s exhausting, and my soul is beyond empty for that darkness I created. I know time heals all things, and my prayers are for healing the Deuber family and myself so that I never let anyone down that I love and care about.
So let me start back with being hurt by Cary at my party. I felt a mix of emotions between Mexico and my party, but I didn’t have an opportunity to speak with Cary one on one. I felt that we both were distancing ourselves from each other, but I will say I was feeling nasty in my heart for what I said in front of the group. This feeling was eating at me, and you even hear me say to D’Andra and LeeAnne that Cary had been a good friend to me. I was addressing my guilt in my own way as LeeAnne asked me to repeat to D what I’d said. I do think watching Cary and Stephanie’s conversation was shocking, but at the same time, I get it. Cary has every right to be upset with me, and if she wants to call it a spell, so be it because I was wrong. I by no means am a witch, but I do think I can be a bitch at times. I was being a disrespectful bitch when I did what I did in front of the group to Cary. I would actually love to blame my actions on a spell myself, but I did that, and I once again am ashamed of myself. My heart will forever be torched with owning that my integrity was undoubtedly tested. I don’t want my friends or family to think that I manipulate people to get my way or my point across. Cary was looking out for Stephanie due to my behavior and going below the belt. I respect Cary for this, and I’m glad she did, even though the truth hurts. I’m a strong believer that you are who you hang out with, and hey, if I went below the belt once, would I do it again?
Well, then I had LeeAnne telling me something similar about Stephanie and Cary’s friendship. Can we just agree that we might have stepped back into middle school? This is exhausting, but at the time, I was thinking, “Well if she doesn’t want to be friends with us, it shouldn’t matter to begin with...”
I may have been uncertain of friendships at that point, but I can’t tell you how shocked I was to receive an invite from Kameron to meet in Plano for a happy hour. I was not sure if it was going to be happy or not, though. Kameron making an effort to come see me speaks volumes to me, especially since she didn’t want to talk about the other drama but just our relationship. That’s a first in this group, so thank you, Kam. I was also starting to warm up to her humor. What I always thought was a dig on Plano being so far away is just her sense of humor. She really is funny, and I love how ridiculous she is. She doesn’t like Big Bird and Elmo as our gimmick but “Sweet and Sour.” She’s all about being sweet and proper, but I’m sour with some dirty jokes and pushing the limits, so I’m looking forward to this sweet and sour relationship and meeting in the middle. I will say that I laughed a lot at our sit down, and we do have a lot in common. I hope you all can give her a chance because I do think she’s got a fun funny side that I plan on playing with in the near future. P.S. Kam, I won’t invite Sexual Chocolate :P
Thank you, Kameron, for inviting me to your launch for Sparkle Dog. I love supporting dreams, and you should be very proud. I do want to apologize that you even felt the need to meet with me to be on my best behavior..I was wondering if LeeAnne had a meeting too after the glass-shattering?
Anyways, the launch party was pinktastic, and I loved every minute of it. My heart went out to D’Andra and her dog with the dog psychic. I started laughing at first because it seemed so hysterical, but then I realized as I’ve gotten to know DAndra, she doesn’t open up that much. She never becomes vulnerable, so wow. I know how much she loves her mom, and she is putting so much pressure on herself. D’Andra once told me at a lunch she hosted that having a friend like me brought the fun and laughter in her life that she needs. Those words now really make me so happy because I feel like she knows I don’t care about the social status but want to live in the moment with family and friends. It’s probably also why I’m horrible at social media. Anyways, D’Andra, you are amazing and don’t give yourself enough credit. You and your mom are precious, and I think we should take Dee to dance on a bar. Lol jk!
Cary wanting to speak at the party was a long time coming. I knew it was going to happen eventually, I just didn’t know when. This was our first face to face moment. I didn’t want Cary to think that I didn’t want her in the group. That was LeeAnne saying that, not me. At the end of my party, all I could do is grab my neck and think what had just happened. It went so wrong on so many levels. So there we were, at another party, and thank God it was just the two of us. Cary was extremely upset, and I don’t blame her. I was glad we could hear each other. I felt my tone shifting because I was indeed wrong. I shouldn’t care what she does behind closed doors unless it directly affects me. Do I have opinions on things that are sacred? 110%. But I have learned that I need to base my life on my life and not others and what they go through. Everyone has a story and their truth. My truth is that I was wrong on every level. Two wrongs don’t make a right, so I hope and pray my one wrong will be buried.
As far as my feelings go, it’s easy to get worked up with these ladies. One minute you hear voices saying, “She doesn’t like you, look what she said about you, you need to watch yourself.” But with me, I have such a tender, forgiving heart, and I want to see the best in everyone. I hate living in negativity — I think this is why I’m such a free spirit. I let people in time and time again to the point that my husband has to step in and say, “No more.” I am my worst critic, and I am still to this day trying to forgive myself for what I did to Cary. Cary, thank you for loving me and my family and for forgiving me. I without a doubt know I’m not perfect, but you are a true testament of forgiveness. Thank you, and I love you.
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