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If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say...

Episode 14: Jay Mohr finally agrees with Ashley about something.

By Jay Mohr

Man, it was such a huge bummer watching Jacqueline cry again. Ashley is where we left her last week, sitting at the table with her dad, Matt, and her stepmom, Jodi. Matt talks Ashley into going downstairs and apologizing to Jacqueline. Ashley finally goes down against her will. Jacqueline straight up puts Ashley and Matt on blast the second they come downstairs. “I don’t need daddy bringing her downstairs to apologize!” Damn. If I was Matt, I totally would have tried to play it off like that wasn’t the reason we came downstairs. “No. Apologize? Pppffff. We just came down to get our coats and potholders. We didn’t even know you were down here…is that a Miss Pacman machine?” Instead, Matt sticks to his guns and watching this man in action is fascinating. He has ice water in his veins. He talks to Ashley about Jacqueline and gives Ashley instructions on what to say to Jacqueline IN FRONT OF JACQUELINE. It’s like he’s “The Ashley Whisperer.” He even tells Ashley to get on her knees to apologize. Jacqueline says she doesn’t want an apology, and that’s too bad, because I really, really wanted to see if Matt could pull of an Ashley on her knees apology. If he could have made that happen he would have been a 6’8” 250 lb Yoda.
It’s too bad Matt couldn’t have been at any of Ashley’s interviews. Maybe he could have stopped her from saying things like, “Emotionally, she still has the mentality of someone my age.” Again, one of Ashley’s attacks has become sublimely stupid when held up to the light of logic. Face it, Ashley, if your mom had the mentality of a twenty-year-old, you guys would get along BETTER. Whenever Ashley puts her foot down and opens her mouth, she winds up with her foot in her mouth. There’s an old expression, “When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging!” Ashley, you are in the Grand Canyon. For the love of God, just set your shovel down and smile.

HOWEVER…I finally have come to see Ashley’s point of view on something. If people repeatedly tell you that your mom gave up her entire career for you, I can see it being very destructive. Although “I gave up my career for you” is meant as a plea for compassion and gratitude, to a child it could be heard as, “Without you I could have really proven my self in the world.” Or “Without you I would have done what I wanted with my life.” In my opinion, the ripple effect from this statement is the root of the combativeness between Jacqueline and Ashley. Hear me out, I once played a psychiatrist on television, so I know what I’m talking about. If people keep telling Ashley how much Jacqueline gave up to have her, then obviously it will twist up and confuse the motivation within Ashley to go out and be successful. Imagine if people walked up to Ashley and said, “If you weren’t born, your mom could have fulfilled her dreams.” I think that’s what Ashley may be hearing, and I don’t blame her for becoming angry at this statement one bit. Don’t hint at what you might have had or might have been to your child. The moment you gave birth, you became a mother. In a million lifetimes, you couldn’t chase down a single dream that would top being a mother. Yes, even Ashley’s mother.

That’s why Jacqueline gets so upset too. The moment she gave birth to Ashley she knew that this child was her dream. Not only that, but Ashley was Jacqueline’s dream come to life. I think Jacqueline just wishes it was a little more, well, dreamy. I would love to sit down and have psychiatry sessions with battling Housewives. I think this could be a great spin off for the network, and I am openly pitching it now. Don’t you agree @bravoandy?

Let’s lighten things up a tad, shall we? Kathy is preparing for a dinner party she is throwing for the girls. The theme of the party is, “Embrace your inner goddess.” I thought that was a real funny party theme until the first guest arrived. The first person at the door was someone named, “Zen” Jen. “Zen” Jen is Kathy’s energist. I actually have a few energists, they’re called my organs. I switched from amused to horrified when I realized that Kathy was having a serious, “Embrace your inner goddess” party and not a funny, ironic one. “Zen” Jen prepares the entire family for a good smudging. We never see what a smudging is on camera, but I hope they were able to get the kids out of the room. I think “Zen” Jen should immediately sign a record deal with SOULDIGGAZ. She already has the cool hip-hop name. It’s a hell of a lot cooler than Lil’ Kim or Fergie or Eve. According to Kathy, “Zen” Jen rids your house of all evil. So does divorce, but I’m guessing “Zen” Jen is much, much cheaper. By the way, my computer spell check keeps underlining the word “energist,” which means it is completely made up. If a MacBook spell check doesn’t recognize your job title, then you probably have a very strange job. If you type in “yak trainer” or “fluffer” everything is free and easy. If you type in “energist” your computer tells you that you have made a mistake.
Richie has the line of the week. When “Zen” Jen takes out a jar of sand for the smudging, Richie asks, “Whose ashes are those?”
Teresa and Joe Giudice are at their lawyer’s office. Joe is dressed in a plain black sweatshirt and jeans, Teresa is dressed like Cruella DeVille. After a small discussion, Joe muses, “Never tell the truth!” I would like to disagree with him, but during this entire scene I have no idea what this lawyer is saying. Why do lawyers do that? Hey, Mr. Bar exam. Dial it back a little. I barely got out of high school! To paraphrase Denzel Washington in ‘Philadelphia,’ “Use small words and use a lot of them.” Teresa shouldn’t have to figure out that her liability has been extinguished. The lawyer should have just looked at her and said, “You’re cool. Joe, not so much.” Instead the lawyer treats us to some regular guy conversation pieces like, “Joe the perception was clearly that you committed an action which precludes your discharge.” If I had a dollar for every time I overheard that at a barbeque, I would have ZERO DOLLARS. No one should talk like that! I think the only reason lawyers talk that way is to Jedi mind trick us into keeping them on retainer so long.

One part of the conversation that I did understand was when Mr. Smarty McCollege pants said, “We came up short $260,000, you still owe that.” Teresa immediately says in her interview, “In reality, we really did win the case.” Say what? Teresa, we all just watched a lawyer crush you and your husband’s nuts under his shoe. Don’t try and trick the viewers into thinking they saw something different than what they just watched. I freaking LOVE Teresa, but lately she really seems to be unraveling. How can I believe anything she says? The other Housewives may complain that Teresa has lied to them, but Teresa just lied to ME. The judge said, “You lose,” and Teresa says, “We won.”
In a very, very strange aside, Teresa mentions that her Jewish friends would have divorced Joe. I’m not sure why she brought this up. I wonder what Teresa’s Japanese, black, and Canadian friends would have done with Joe. I didn’t realize that Teresa’s Rolodex was such a Benetton ad.
Back at Kathy’s goddess party, the gang trickles in. Caroline, Jacqueline, Lauren, and Melissa come inside the house and get ready for a feast. Everything looks SO GOOD. I swear, if I was at the Wakile house, I would eat every damn thing in sight. Then Melissa says, “When Kathy cooks, she makes love to the food.” On second thought, I’m not hungry anymore. After a brief discussion between Melissa and Kathy about Teresa, Kathy does her best cuckoo clock impression. It is probably the third or fourth best cuckoo clock impression I have seen this week. I definitely think Kathy sometimes makes some “adult” brownies along with her regular brownies.
Caroline tells Jacqueline that if Lauren ever spoke to her the way Ashley speaks to Jacqueline, Lauren would be holding ice to her lips. Sounds scary, Momma Manzo, but last week we all saw how you punch. The only way Lauren holds ice to her lip is if she bumps her head on a cabinet. 

Teresa shows up fashionably late to Kathy’s house. She tells the gang about a storm in the area and warns everybody that, “ A Norwegian is coming.”  Kathy then says in her interview, “I guess intelligence is a different language to Teresa.” I am now so confused by this group. Kathy invites Teresa to her house for an “embrace your inner goddess party,” and then takes a huge shot at her. Caroline keeps telling Jacqueline to punch Ashley in the face. Melissa is nice to Teresa, but then says that holy water would make her melt. Kathy makes love to her food. Even by Housewives standards this is getting nutty.

Teresa spends the next ten minutes complaining about everything. When I say everything, I mean everything. Teresa STARTS by complaining that there aren’t any naked men serving the ladies the food. (Didn’t I say we needed more Greg?) The more everyone gets along, the crazier it makes Teresa. When Caroline compliments Kathy’s food, Teresa turns into Kristen Wiig’s Penelope character and blurts out, “We’re opening a restaurant!” Really, Teresa? How did the Bravo cameras miss you and Joe planning that? For crying out loud, they have footage of your daughter vomiting, I’m pretty sure they would have picked up on you and Joe planning a grand opening of a restaurant.

I’m starting to get worried for Teresa. I would love to sit down with her for one of my “Real Housewives Therapy” sessions. Good luck on opening your new restaurant, Tre. Nothing ensures a great grand opening more than a $260,000 debt.
At Kathy’s party we all got to watch Teresa circle the crazy drain. She even complained about parsley. (On a side note, am I the only one that noticed Kathy’s hair was beadazzled?) Teresa and Melissa get into a ridiculous argument, and I am suddenly hoping “Zen” Jen comes back to smudge the hell out of everybody. Teresa complained about there being belly dancers. Teresa complained about Melissa’s outfit. Not for nothing, but at her Christmas party, Teresa wore a mini skirt that let me see her small intestines. Kathy tried her best to throw a great “goddess” party for her friends, and Teresa almost singlehandedly derailed it. Thank God Jacqueline was there to scream, “I’m a closet whore!”
The next day at Jacqueline’s house everyone is tucked back into their closets. Ashley sits down with Chris and her mom to talk about her upcoming move to California. When Chris asks her for some details about moving to California, Ashley says it was all Jacqueline’s idea in the first place, and then calls her mother a bitch to her face. She does all this while texting. It begs the question, why doesn’t someone smash that freaking phone out of her hands? Toward the end of the episode Ashley is giving her interview wearing a blue shirt with a purple oven mitt on her head. Blue and purple, Ashley? C’mon, girl, not even Luther Vandross could pull those two colors together. The show ends with Chris telling Ashley, “Get your stuff and get out!” That sound you heard tonight outside your window was America applauding.

How to Watch

Watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey on Peacock and the Bravo app.  

Follow me on on Twitter @jaymohr37. That free podcast of mine is HERE.

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