Leopard Print, Ripped Bodies, and Coconuts

Leopard Print, Ripped Bodies, and Coconuts

Episode 1: Bravotv.com's Associate Editor examines the best moments from the ladies' Shore escapades.

Yes, I'm fist pumping right now because the Jersey girls are back. And they're going to the Shore. Pour yourself a big cup of Ron Ron juice and hunker down with some pickles, because this is going to be a delight.

But before we dive in to the Season 4 premiere, let's take a moment to reflect on where we left off -- at a reunion which left us with way too many unanswered questions. Why was Jacqueline absent? Why do Caroline and Teresa hate each other? How did Kathy make that giant cannoli shell? (OK maybe that last one was just me.) Well now we're finally going to get some answers.

So while we plumb the depths of these Jersey mysteries this season like a leopard print wearing Nancy Drew, enjoy my picks for the three most memorable moments from each episode. (And be sure to add yours in the comments.)

No. 3 - Summer of Love (and Gorgasms)

Joe Gorga is on a mission this summer. And that mission is to rid himself of as much poison as possible. The man is so dedicated to achieving this goal that he's adding a new bedroom to his Shore house with soundproofed walls. To translate this into Shore lingo, Joe is creating the ultimate smush room.

What Joe failed to realize was that there's no bigger turn off for Melissa than a dirty, unfinished house with construction equipment everywhere. Oops! Looks like those Gorgasms are going to have to wait.

Side note: Inpentego (or impetigo as it's more commonly known)? Where did that come from? I had to WebMD that immediately, because I've never heard of it before. Was that not an odd go-to malady to throw out there?

No. 2 - I'll Be There for You

In the spirit of last season's premiere, we get a Teresa/Joey showdown. Not quite as dramatic as the christening, but still involving some Italian exhortations. It started out nice enough, with Joey taking Teresa aside to let her know he's there for her no matter what happens with Joe. Cue the collective awww.

But then Teresa wants to know why he never called while Joe was away. Joe brings up the time he brought her a check when she needed $25,000. Chaos ensues.

Only siblings can go from best friends to mortal enemies and then back to friends at the drop of a hat like that. But I'm rooting for them to stay on good terms, because their kids are so cute when they're all together. And also because a Gorga/Giudice Shore party would be the event of the summer.

Side note: Totally jealous that Teresa and Joe are fluent in Italian.

No. 1 - Ripped Bodies and Coconuts

Either there's something in the water in Jersey or friskiness runs rampant in the Gorga family, because Melissa and Kathy aren't afraid to get a little kinky. First we have Melissa and Joe packing up a bag of "goodies" for the Shore trip, and we're not talking about a party favor full of fun size candies. The best "goody" by far was the toy that Melissa told Gino was for playing with "kitty cats." No further comment.

We then cut to the Wakile household, where Rich ponders taking along some "enhancement gel." Kathy agrees, but only so long as he hides it in the bag. This imperative is delivered in a double entendre so subtle, you probably would have missed it if I wasn't pointing it out to you right now: "Stick it deep in the bag, Rich, I don't want anybody seeing it. Stick it in deep, all the way in." Again, no further comment.

Kathy also explains the selling points of the Shore -- leopard print, ripped bodies, and coconuts. If the Shore were a tropical daiquiri, you'd probably blend these three things together to make it. So don your leopard print bikini, grab a coconut on your way out of the gym, and get ready for a magical summer on the Shore with The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Next week Melissa unveils her new song and Kathy finds out Joseph's been sent racy photos from fans. Praise Jesus this show is back.

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