Cut the BS

Last week Simon and I met up with Bethenny at her book signing in LA. She is very entertaining and I'm thinking she could be a stand-up comedian. B was nice enough to send me her book Naturally Thin a few weeks a go and I have to say it is really good. Naturally Thin describes exactly how I have been eating for years. I eat every thing, but not at once. It's about balance and moderation. Try it!

LuAnn showed up at the event, looking very tall and gorgeous (she has legs all the way up to her ears.) I was a little scared that Luann was going to be a little offended by my weekly blog. To my surprise, she is nothing like she is portrayed on the show and she has a great sense of humor. She even admitted the whole "Countess" thing is a little over played. After the book signing we went to a fabulous restaurant in Beverly Hills and knocked down a few cocktails. Drunk Bethenny was even more fun the Sober Bethenny. And Luann started talking about herself as the COUNTESS. As we walked out I saw Stevie Wonder and his wife and I swear he was checking out my ass. OK, bad joke!

I hope most of you know that my blog is pure sarcastic humor and entertainment. If you are easily offended and you're looking for proper grammar and spelling, then don't read it. With that said, let's see who pissed me off this week!

Well, well, well - we finally got to see more of Kelly: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. This week's show actually opens up with Kelly sitting in her dinning room with her assistant going over her "invitation overload." I tried so hard to listen to her talk, but I couldn't stop staring at the life sized horse in her living room. How the heck did they get that horse in there and why? Then my mind started to wander. Can you imagine the parties Kelly has and things people do to that horse when they are drunk? Oops. Focus, Tamra!

So far the whole season is about fashion shows and charity events. Jill is cracking me up this season. She is ACTING a little bit and it shows. When Jill walked out of the dressing room with that red and black one shoulder Zang Toi dress on, I cried, cried, I tell you. I wanted that dress so damn bad and knew there was NO way I would spend that kind of money on a dress. Jill - the economy is bad, can you help a fellow housewife out? I thought Jill looked great in everything and her body is banging. Zang Toi was so adorable I just wanted to put him on a chain and hang him around my neck. How cute was he in his kilt and shaved legs yelling at Jill to stop eating?

At the Russell Simmons fashion show, Simon was determined to find out why Ramona doesn't like him. I look at it differently - it was an opportunity for him to be a camera whore. You have to hand it to Simon - he knows how to work it. He repeatedly asks Ramona why she doesn't like him and begs her for a kiss. C-R-E-E-P-Y! News alert, if someone doesn't like you, the last thing they want to do is kiss you. I was proud of Ramona - she didn't back down. I think her exact words were, "You have no depth, you're shallow and you're feminine." She should have thrown in, "And your mama dresses you funny!"

LuAnn and Kelly went shopping at Malo. Kelly walked up in black shorts and I started singing ZZ Top's "She's Got Legs." LuAnn and Kelly both have the legs working for them and look like they could possibly be sisters. Kelly looked a little uncomfortable as LuAnn tired on clothes. LuAnn tried so hard to get Kelly to try things on and Kelly kept saying, "No, No, NO." Remember she comes from the place of NO. I just don't understand Kelly. She is a model that hates trying on clothes? She is a journalist that can't seem to enunciate? She is a very private person that signs on to a reality show? Something here is not adding up.

Jill and B go to dinner and we find out that B clearly does not like Kelly. In her words, she broke it down! I disagree with Jill - I don't think the animosity between Kelly and B has anything to do with competition. I think B can see right through Kelly's BS and does not like fake people. High five on that one!

Jill decides she is going to lay it on the line and send a message to Kelly: Get those tits under control! Bobby doesn't need to see anyone's nipples besides mine. I would like to ask Bobby what he thinks.

So there they were at yet another fashion show. Bethenny meets Kelly in the lobby, only to be dogged when someone better walks up. Well that's a fine how do you do! You could see the tension in the air between Kelly and B as they tried so hard to make small talk. B tells Kelly she is not that into fashion. I beg to differ. Lady B is quite the fashion biscuit in my eyes. Kelly talks about how B is so tightly wound, and I was thinking, 'Kelly, you better shut up before she slaps you in the forehead!'

They save the best scene for last - the charity meeting. Kelly walks in 30 minutes late, according to her she is much too busy to be on time. Jill explains to Kelly why Ally was there and that Ally has arthritis. Kelly tilts her head and says, "That's cute." All I could think at that moment was, "Ass sphincter says whhhhaaat?" "That's cute," is all she could come up with? This girl has to be talking out of her backside.

As the meeting went on, it only got worse. Kelly does not want to lend her name to anything and, according to Bethenny, comes from a place of NO. Jill steps in and gives what I feel was a subliminal message to the producers at Bravo: "That's OK, it is better with the 5 of us." Like I keep saying, why is Kelly on the show? Then the moment we all had been waiting for - Lady B's best one liner of the season. "Apparently she thinks she's Madonna." I laughed so hard it started to hurt. I think I like it better when it is the Bethenny show!

Next week's episode looks like it is going to be catfight heaven. Bring it on!