Simon recaps Bethenny's pregnancy news leak, Jill's need for "GAWWSSSSIPPPPP," and Alex's message.


So we’re at Episode 9 and a weekend when Alex, the chums and I are taking a well earned rest from book signings for Little Kids Big City . That has meant that I haven’t had any time sitting on a plane where I could at least start this blog as I’ve done the last two weeks. So I apologize for it being a couple of days late. We do have further signings later this week in Connecticut and Massachusetts so please check out for a full list of times and places when we might be in your city. Also we are getting very close to Mother’s Day and whether you might one day have kids, still have or yours are long grown up, our book makes a marvelous present for Mother’s Day as it’s filled with anecdotes of the last seven years of Alex’s and my life both before and having had children.

Shameless plug over. Now into this week’s episode.

And we open with Perezgnancygate; another instance where information has popped up in either the gossip pages or gossip websites about one of the cast. This is just an awful scene and while I would have expected Julie to have appeared more shocked that she didn’t know, I have to say that first Bethenny’s and then later Jason’s reactions seemed absolutely honest.

I love Burberry and have a couple of their jackets that have gotten me a lot of flack, but the coat LuAnn was wearing when she arrived at Sonja’s was just a bit too brazen, even for me. Having lining in their signature fabric is one thing, but her coat just seemed like a giant billboard. Anyway, she arrives at Sonja’s to be welcomed by her staffless hostess who had had to get her coffee today "from outside." Evidently Folgers and a boiled kettle doesn’t cut it on the UES. And just what is it about dog doo doo this season? I am getting afraid it might be some subliminal metaphor foisted on us by the producers. At least Sonja didn’t accuse the Countess of wearing plastic boots; although in this instance Wellingtons might have made more sense. And I will leave it for you to decide why walking in shit made LuAnn break into French; surely, t’was not a metaphor for her ex?

Jill’s call briefly takes their minds off excrement although the way Jill dissed the evite that LuAnn had already sent her was pretty shitty. In Jill’s words “whatever." (I must give Sonja a big shout out for announcing herself on speakerphone - Jill and LuAnn please take note of her phone etiquette.) Next, what Jill says is quite interesting. First she says she’s just received a text (message) but then she says she received a Google Alert. Now despite what others have suggested she probably didn’t have one on Bethenny’s name but merely a pretty generic one on Real Housewives of NYC which usually flags any news articles about any of the cast. However initially I just couldn’t follow why she mentioned that she’d gotten a text until I hunted round and found you can have Google Alerts sent as an SMS message. Well who’da thunk that Jill is as tech-savvy as that! But I do have to laugh at LuAnn and Sonja’s reaction. After Jill says it’s all over the internet, Sonja advises us that she never has time to look on the internet whereas LuAnn complains that no one had sent her the Google Alert. LuAnn you have to subscribe and Mr. Google or rather Messrs Brinn and Page will send it to you. Remember we discussed this earlier last year when rumors where first surfacing that you were getting a divorce and I called you up after I got the Google Alert that it was being mentioned on a certain parenting blog? Funnily enough, although Jill had just been sent this text and she’s since been on the phone with LuAnn and Sonja apparently she’s already had people asking her about Bethenny’s pregnancy. And at last we get to the crux of the call. Jill called seeking GOSSIP; she needs GAWWSSSSIPPPPP. Really, just who does that and why? Anyway as the conversation gets back on to LuAnn’s charity event, Jill works hard to ensure that Bethenny’s not invited. So clearly Jill just wants the gossip and does not care to actually see whom she’s gossiping about.


Back at Bethenny’s, Jason has arrived and I do really feel that this scene was filmed in real time. Neither Jason nor Bethenny are the world’s best actors and this quietly annoyed Jason is exactly the type of reaction he’d have. I am so glad that Alex and I met and had children long before we gained some notoriety and never had to deal with this sort of gossip in the early stages of our relationship. I do wonder if Perez knowing that the engagement news had broken (and given that their relationship was fairly new) took a guess that perhaps Bethenny was pregnant and ran with it. Most of these sites are wrong more often than they’re right and we mostly remember the times when they do guess correctly.

Jill’s set up a lunch meeting with event planner Jen Gilbert, who she’s hired to help plan the Zarin family holiday party. Jill informs Jen that a month prior she’d hosted a skating event in CT, which is funny as Alex and I were there that night and I clearly remember that Nikki Blonsky and Frank DeCaro were the event hosts. Anyway, Jill wants to continue her skating theme and Jen does what any event planner should do; uses her expertise and makes some suggestions. But hold on! Jill Zarin is your client – she knows what she wants. First venue choice is the Wollman Rink in Central Park which is owned by Donald Trump, who Jill informs us is her friend, but evidently the catered food takes precedence over choosing the venue as Jill starts listing her preferred menu and I have shades of déjà vu and recall the meeting with the caterer for last year’s Creaky Joints event. Who would have thought that the most important menu item is lamb chops, which can be taken home to Ginger? But the most important thing of all??? The invitation! I’m exhausted just watching the scene.

Pooch alert! Continuing the canine theme we discover that Sonja wants her dog sucked up by a vacuum. What’s that? There’s another meaning for pooch? Ah that’s a relief, but as I haven’t been board certified since 1973 I haven’t kept abreast with modern colloquialisms. Now moving right along... .

Alex has received a call from Bethenny and Alex references Bethenny’s tweet response to Perez back on Oct 19th. Once Bethenny confirms that the rumor is true, Alex allows her excitement to reach fever pitch and is genuinely elated for B, while wanting to support her and advise her simultaneously. B then goes on about an email she’d received out of left field from Jill who proceeds to lecture Bethenny on how she should be handling this. Jill, how many times have you told Bethenny that you’re done!? After they discuss whether B was attending that night’s TruRenewal launch, B relatively casually asks Alex that if she sees Jill to pass on a message that B is now done. Alex takes it and runs with it, and leaves Bethenny knowing she will deliver. As Alex hangs up Bethenny channels Hans Solo and states, "May the force be with you."


Bobby and Jill arrive at The Rock for their appearance on LXtv, Jill explains how Bobby had been asked to appear and tells us that it’s his gig but as they walk on set Jill’s all a flitter as she forgot to Twitter. Interestingly Jill repeats her name several times for her mike check where the rest of us just count to three or so. But as the interview starts Bobby starts rambling and to be fair to Jill this is live TV, there aren’t any do-overs and so it is important to get your message out in sharp sentences and on point sound-bites. Honestly, she did the right thing.

For the second time this season a medium comes to visit and parallels between the old and the new begin to appear. Jill saw a psychic, Sonja sees a psychic, Jill has dog crap all over her apartment and Sonja has it all over her yard. Jill states that she mixes with a fabulous group of people and Sonja just does. And they’re both it seems getting a little territorial over LuAnn. Things that make you go hmmmmmm...

This week’s interstitial takes us to Bloomingdale's for a reading of LuAnn’s book and Jill is seen to be doing everything the opposite of what LuAnn is stating is good etiquette. In anything other than reality TV a scene like this would seem too contrived, but you just can’t make this sh*t up!

Ramona arrives at Equinox to check on the preparation for that night’s event. Then fast forward to the party starting Jill arrives with Kelly, and after ripping Ramona’s brochure, photo, hair, accusing her of being overly botoxed etc., proceeds to tell us in talking head mode how despite Ramona ruining her Kodak event, she was going to show how she’s a bigger and better person. Fortunately Derek Warburton (Alex’s self-declared Day Gay) who Jill had criticized several weeks earlier no longer seemed as scary as we see Jill happily talking with him. Alex and I arrive, then LuAnn and then a present from Bethenny is given to Ramona. The congratulatory note confirms she’s pregnant and while all of us knew, Jill still declares that she shouldn’t be announcing it that way. Alex sees this first delivery from Bethenny as her cue to pass on the message; several of the group try to run interference but Alex isn’t going to be put off. As Alex’s hives develop so does the tension and as viewers we suddenly learn how one minute in real time can seem an eternity in TV land. Alex eventually spurts out what in reality is nothing that Jill hasn’t told Bethenny several times, however it’s presumably the method of delivery and not the delivered message that clearly shakes Jill. So much so that not long afterwards we see Luann supporting a crying Jill as they take their leave. I can certainly see that in life other than that being recorded, a one on one delivery would have made sense, however given that Jill is pretty adept at twisting things in her favor, the fact that the whole cast were witnesses meant Alex’s delivery could not be contorted into anything else. At the end we learn one of Jill’s secrets; that she’ll never forgive but she’ll be able to forget. Presumably there must be a whole host of people around NYC that Jill can’t stand and she can’t recall why!

It’s the morning after and Alex visits Bethenny to deliver some hand me down maternity jeans but also to recap the 'hit.' Bethenny seems pretty pleased that Alex had followed through but as is her want, in talking head mode, she begins to dial back her request of the previous day. I wonder whether B would have made the wind-up doll comment to Alex’s face. Also I don't really see that this is about the size of one's balls. Sometimes conflict is worth the effort other times it isn't and that night Alex certainly used Bethenny’s request as the lead battering ram. I have a feeling that there’s more to come.

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