This is it! Soak up those last little bits of the Moroccan sun because our trip is drawing to a close. We'll be riding our camels straight to the airport at the end of this episode, so pack your tangines carefully. We open with the aftermath. Jill is in the process of having the heart attack she mentioned last episode. . .
Number 5: With the Speed of a Shaking Belly
Even though Jill has just mentioned that it will be a "cold day in hell" before she kisses Ramona's behind again, the ladies have dinner plans. LuAnn attempts to come in to talk to Ramona but is immediately banished to pinot grigio duty (get the pinot, bring it to the kitchen, etc.). Then the second guest arrives, Kelly, beginning her surprising reign as the episode's peacemaker. She gently corrects Sonja about her dress (it's Diane von Furstenberg) and asserts that there are no teams. Kelly doesn't see hair color. Problem solved.
So now everyone's fine to go to the most exclusive belly-dancing restaurant in Morocco.
Ramona bounces back quickly to having a good time, but does hit a small snafu. It's impossible to get your money into these women's pants, they're moving too fast! You're telling me. If had a dirham for every time I couldn't put a dirham in someone's pants, well let's just say I'd have a lot of dirhams.
Number 4: But what would happen if Jill Zarin interviewed Barbara Walters?
The next day most of the gals jaunt off with Mustapha the hooded tour guide. I do have to agree with Sonja, the man is working what he's got. His mischievous grin is the perfect match for these ladies and their questions about Morocco's polygamy laws -- as well as Jill Zarin's questions about pretty much everything else. Here a smattering of my faves:
What is Arabic? What other shape would it be? What is the difference between a gypsy and a nomad? That's pretty big, right?
The theme of this season to me is "Jill Zarin, Renaissance Woman." She's part dentist, part detective, part hard-hitting journalist. Bobby, tell us, is there anything she can't do?
(Also what is the difference between a gypsy and a nomad? I'd love to know).
Number 3: Re-Enter!
As night begins to fall the brunettes gather to have henna tattoos. The scene is rather impressive, with two women there to tat the ladies up, bowls of henna herbs (or what-have you), and of course lovely lanterns. The brunettes begin discussing how there's always a point in one's life where you think about getting a tattoo. But just before The Countess could reveal what sort of lower-back or regrettable sleeve she had considered, a buffalo Alex charged down the stairs.
(Let's stop for a second and consider how Alex could have made that much noise coming down the stairs. Do you think her shoes were coming apart? Was Savion Glover coming down the stairs with her? Did she roll a trash can down the stairs first?)
When she and the entire tap squad arrived she told LuAnn she had something to say later, but when Cindy called her back things got a bit out of hand.
I really feel this might be the greatest scene of all time. From Kelly's Alex impression, to Alex eventually breaking out in hives, lines like "Causing a casino," Jill's strange poodle hair, at one point Ramona and Sonja streaking past the entire fight about them because they are too concerned with caftans. I'm pleading the 5th Ammendment of Recapping because it is too good. I have watched it in upwards of 25 times. Is Santa going to fix Kelly's tattoo!?! Witch!?!
When all was said and done I felt like this:
And will forever feel that way.
Number 2: A Sensible Snack
Once it's finally time to eat there seems to be a bit of a problem. Where was the bell Ramona and Sonja asked for during the first part of the trilogy? Apparently it was never purchased because Alex, Sonja, and Ramona were all a touch late for dinner. Alex managed to sit down, but she wasn't quite welcome for the meal. When LuAnn told her: "If you want to start with me, you finish," I actually died. Being stone-cold ferocious is earned, my friend. Kelly shuttled Alex out, but before she could handle the new seating arrangements Ramona and Sonja arrived.
At this point LuAnn announces: "This is not the Plaza Hotel, this is Morocco," which is fact. Ramona's defense is she didn't ask for her dinner to be sent to her room just a snack. And then what does she do? She produces the snacks from the kitchen and holds them like the Scales of Justice in her hands. I have to say when she tilted those plates every so slightly I did believe they were in fact snacks, and not dinner, and perhaps there was a giant agenda snafu. However, I never saw an itinerary either, so who am I to say?
At Kelly's urging (once again restoring goodwill among women). Ramona and LuAnn gab in the hallway, and Ramona admits she is in fact late for dinner. ("What time is it now? It's 9:30, it's a little late.") LuAnn admits that she just wants Ramona to love her, which Ramona doesn't buy, but moving on.
Once the ladies had slumbered and had some breakfast (timing not mentioned) things improved dramatically. Jill went upstairs to return Ramona's swimsuits bottoms (which just proves how close their friendship is because I don't have any friends I share swimsuit bottoms with) and the pair agreed to get to a good chapter in their friendship book. (Look for the Ramona and Jill: A Friendship on Kindle) They even hug.
I'd also be remiss to not mention that Kelly goes running in Morocco. Was she running in the streets and forcing Moroccan cabs to follow her? We'll never know.
Intermission: Belly Up to Belly Time
I'm not sure there's much I can even say here. Below is an extended glance at the clip, which I highly recommend you watch. Personally I think we should extend it as much as humanly possible. Can we turn it into an exercise tape? Shake it anyway! Ya habibi!
Number 1: Caftans Calling
The ladies finally receive the much-discussed caftans and I have to admit I got a little bit misty. Maybe it was just the "native" eyeliner I had applied but as the ladies recounted their favorite moments in Morocco and admired Kelly's breasts, I got a little Ramotional. It's been such a wild ride that being back in New York City should be a breeze -- wait, scratch that, it won't. Next week is the big "Herman Munster" brawl with The Countess and Sonja's facing some questions about her fiscal responsibilities. Oh brother! Let's bask in the moment now by leaving your favorite Moroccan moment in the comments! Tell me!