God Gave me a Great Ass and His Approval

Dear Viewers and Fans,

I know. I didn't have a recap last week. I'm in Europe and time zones and jet lag and cross-continental cocktails are taking their toll. I have a few thoughts about last week, though.

First, I had no idea that entrepreneur rhymes with manure! I pronounce it Entrepre-noor (rhymes with door). Have I been mispronouncing this word my whole life? I love when I learn from the show.

Second, last week's episode didn't inspire me. It happens near the end of the season, I think. I have Housewife recap fatigue. Sonja was also fatigued from reading all of those emails all day. She needed a break so she asked Aviva over to tell her we all talked about her in Montana. If by "the whole time" Sonja meant "for a few minutes at dinner one night," then, yes. We were talking about Aviva the whole time. Ramona took it so far as a possible phone call, but by the time she walked back into the Antlers, to make the call (eight seconds later), we were all bored with asthma so didn't bother to call or even think of it again. The whole time? I laugh when the recap of the event never matches the scene.

Have you noticed that Sonja's stories never track?

There were some genuine moments though. Heather singing, me mailing. Everything Heather does is with style, grace, and talent. She can sing, too? She can knock out "Bill Bailey" on a dime, with Billy Stritch? I love her anyway. My talents are much less obvious, but I do write a mean suck-up letter to my big mouth friends. That scene could have been longer, too, had anyone been interested. Were you? I sold Russ' piano on Craigslist for $2,000 and two muscly moving men came to haul it away in the middle of all that mess. It made me a little sad, then Mark, my contractor, got grumpy with my change orders -- so there was tension. You might have loved it! Then after I signed a million letters I walked to Lenny's with three big boxes of books. Remember Lenny, my mailman from last season? He's 92 years old now and he gets grumpy, too. He wasn't pleased when I spilled the boxes of books all over the floor of his mailroom. So you also missed a grumpy Lenny. (I love Lenny.)

I'm still on vacation. The Amalfi coast was beautiful, then Rome and a visit to the Vatican where a sweet Aussie tourist noticed me and asked me for a selfie. We chatted, but I declined the photo. It's the Vatican! Though I took it as a sign that God approves of my decision to appear on a reality show. I made a quick pass through Paris, and now it's London, my second favorite city in the world. And then back to my favorite. . .(New York.)

It's My Party and I'll Have Butterflies If I Want To
Wait, I'm in London in real life and also in reality life. Life imitating life imitating art. Weird coincidence? Or maybe not.

Yes, I left instructions! I was landing in NY one day before the party, there was no room for error. I'm a perfectionist and also, BOSSY. Kate and Eric are clever, but I had to call in the Big Guns. As the old adage goes, if you want something done give it to the busiest person you know. Holla!

I know you've all noticed and I'm coming clean right now, so don't tweet that I'm a hypocrite. Yes. Heather and I have the same glasses. I copied her. Or she copied me. We bought them together at Moscot on 6th Avenue. We both loved them and we both bought them.

But apparently Heather and I do not share that same love of butterflies and chandeliers hanging in trees lit by a low rising Harvest moon. Who doesn't love that? Option # Last. What? Sonja didn't get a permit to throw Milou's ashes into the river so I don't see how my little butterflies would be a problem.

Love Me Tender
I admire the subconscious not-so-subtle message in Kristen's Love Me Tender sweatshirt. Don't all married couples have this exact same conversation at some point in their relationship, or maybe at several points, and maybe minus the bag?

Wife: You take me for granted.
Hubby: You don't understand the pressure I'm under at work.
Wife: You ignore me.
Hubby: You don't understand the pressure I'm under at work.
Wife: I don’t mind if you ignore me as long as you buy me a Chanel bag.

Does that sound familiar to you? Maybe this will too. "Where's my f---ing Chanel bag?" You’ll thank me next week. (Watch the video HERE). 

The Devil Wore Prada
Yes, I’m the devil in disguise. You got me. The devil is always the one trying to lighten the mood. The one who shows up in a bear costume, the one who dresses up like a mermaid to raise money for hurricane victims, the one who hooks up with a girlfriend's ex….oops wait. That wasn’t me, that was Sonja. My bad. I'm the devil.

It's My Party and Lu Can Cry If She Wants To
I’m BOSSY. Yes. But the place looks amazing. There was a harvest moon, headless mannequins, candelabras, chandeliers, antique lace, and Spanish moss. The snake handler got held up and the butterflies came dead. We still came out ahead.

Another engagement! That makes three just this season. Although mine has the most credibility because I called it what it was. . .a joke. Three engagements and no marriages. The Bachelor has better odds.

Where was my toast? It didn't make the cut. Were you interested in my toast? It was my party after all! I gave a toast and you missed it. It was funny and better in person than on paper. I twirled and did other embarrassing sorts of stuff. I said nice things about all the ladies. They all loved it. Here. Read it out loud in a mirror and remember to check out your great ass. Because you have one, too.

50 Never Looked So Good
"Welcome to the Garden of Good and Evil. You know which one you are. Thank you for celebrating my birthday. If I knew I was going to have this ass at 50, I would have gone into pole dancing instead of journalism which wasn't nearly as lucrative. But I have learned a few things. . .

"I've always taken my work seriously but for those of you who know me well, I've never taken myself seriously. And despite prowling around in the woods like a bear and making my friends dress like mermaids. . .I feel like I've grown up, almost.

"Lately I've been thinking about the duality of life. The proverbial Midnight, in the Garden of Good and Evil. A place where there's no generosity without envy; no love without hate; no laughter without also sadness. It's the duality of courage and fear. As Eleanor Roosevelt said (and I quote her often) 'Do one thing everyday that scares you.' I sometimes do five, and not on purpose.

"For Kristen, this duality means throwing yourself off a mountain cliff and having faith that you will land on your feet. It means knowing you're so much more than a pretty face.

"For LuAnn, it means finding your passion in humor and being unafraid to pursue it, even knowing that the critics abound.

"For Ramona, this means taking comfort in knowing you've given your daughter wings large enough to fly higher and further than you could ever have imagined, and finding peace in that.

"For Sonja, it means literally burying the past and allowing yourself a new bright future.

"Lastly, for my dear dearest friend Heather, it means never backing down from what you believe is right. She fights the good fight, whether to save a child's life, defend a friend, or deal with her own health scares. And she never ever lets you see her sweat.

"For me, it means having the courage to allow true love into my life again. I know, Kristen -- a businessman! Or the courage to publish my first work of fiction and not allow jealousy and petty gossip to cloud the truth. I take pride in all of my achievements and now this one, too.

"I've learned in my 50th year that objects in your rear view mirror are much much smaller than they appear. Don't look back. Don't second guess yourself. Live everyday as if you were dying.

"When I look back on all my experiences, both good and bad -- from where I started to where I am now -- I suppose none of my life really makes sense, or maybe all of it does. I'm smack in the middle of it now. It's not my job to understand it yet -- it's just my job to live it.

"I'm living it and loving it and I’m in awe of every moment. I'd like to raise my glass and toast to living life with nothing less than courage and awe."

That was the toast you missed. I wish you'd been there. Until next week. . .