Re-independicizing Myself

One thing I'm definitely good at, I can make up words... I used to seek Jeana's advice often. I didn't always go to the house, because Shane was there, and that would be weird. Here's what it is about Jeana. I feel like she's a free spirit. She's so great when it comes to giving advice, and I feel like, since she's raised her kids so well, I value her opinion, because I see a lot of myself in her. When she was my age, she was going to the Playboy mansion party, these older guys were falling in love with her. And these are the stories she's always told me. These are the things that she went through when she was my age, she used to live my life. She gets it. It's easy to go to her.

Lauri and I talk about Slade in this episode. I didn't know if I'd actually have the balls to really go up to her and talk to her about stuff. It was one of the first times I'd seen her in a long time. I didn't think I had the courage to confront her about it, but I knew that if I didn't, I'd take it to my grave, you know? I'd never rest in peace. I didn't really know, at that point, hwere my future was going to go, and I really thought that she might have some of the answers that I was searching for. And I was really searching, and I was terrified to make the wrong decision. And it's definitely a collaborative effort. I think it was the best thing I ever did, to talk to Lauri. We're all adults, and even though I was kind of upset, I just wanted to put it behind me and get past it.

Oh, and this is the episode where I went out with Shane and the girls. My memory is, of course, a little foggy on this topic. But here's what I have to say. I definitely think that Shane is very good looking. But I don't have a crush on him or anything. I think we have a very flirtatious nature, but that's definitely as far as it would ever go.

So, by the end of the episode, I'm sitting in the office with Slade. And at that time, I was really scared that I'd made the wrong decision. But I knew that I wasn't happy there, that I'd lost myself. And I just knew that if I could get out on my own, get to LA, support myself, get some space, I could actually get some answers for myself. I knew I'd be better at the relationship if I didn't feel such pressure. I didn't want to be a mom. Slade was right. I didn't belong in Coto. I wanted to move to LA I was scared of his reaction. I was scared he'd break up with me. I was afraid that he wouldn't allow it, that my telling him would be the end of our relationship. I waited too long to tell him, because I was planning it all out in my head. It was such a leap of faith. And that's all I'll say about it for now. There's always more to the story than meets the eye. Stay tuned...