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Since the first episode aired, I have to say it's been great to feel the support from the viewers and from my friends and family. Everyone has been so supportive of my decisions, but of course I get a little bit worried. I care what people think, to a degree, but it's all televised, and so some people think I'm so dumb for breaking off my engagement, and some people think, "Oh, why is she going back to him now?" Even though I stand by my choices, I'm not going to lie, I like to please people. One thing that I think people don't understand about me is that before I met Slade, I was living on my own. You know, I had roommates, but I had three jobs. I lived paying for everything on my own, my car, my apartment, for college. My parents weren't helping me. I was a survivor, and I was proud that I made it on my own. It was hard, there were months when there wasn't toilet paper in my house or food in my cabinets. But that was the reality of it, and it was a time that sucked, but I really got to look at the bright side and say, you know what? I'm doing this for myself.
When I met Slade, he kind of opened up this whole new world of possibility. He kinda showed me a different life and a different lifestyle. And that can whet your appetite. You know, you become more and more curious. And so, I kind of got into the rhythm of going over and being with him all the time and having everything taken care of. Before you knew it, I wasn't working any more. And he was paying for everything. I think getting engaged to him, I lost myself living in his care. I lost who I was, I lost my drive, and my motivation, because everything came so easy. And about a year and a half into it, I realized I was drinking a lot. It's nothing that he did. It's the decisions that I made. I just realized that I was really unhappy. And I definitely wasn't ready to be married or to raise kids. I realized that I kept myself from fully maturing and fully growing up.
The scary part in deciding to break off an engagement is that you're not sure what your future holds. Being a really ambitious and driven person, I like to pre-plan everything, and not knowing what the future holds is really scary.
So, in this episode, there's a psychic at this party. And I had no idea Slade was sitting behind me. You would think I would, because he's so close behind me, but I had no idea he was back there. Which really sucked. And I was talking to a psychic, that can be a conversation that you get wrapped up in. I think I really wanted answers at the time. I was really vulnerable and I wanted the truth. I really wanted someone to help guide me, because I didn't want to make the wrong decision on my own. So, when she started telling me all that stuff, she was the first one ever to say all that to me. And I was scared. I was scared about making the wrong decision and lose the one thing that was stable and the thing that I love more than anything in my life.
There's a lot more story to come, and I don't want to give too much away, but I'll just say this: When you're in that position, more than anything, the scariest part is worrying about failure. What happens if I make that big leap on my own and think that I can do it on my own and then I fail? It's always hard to say.