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Say Yes to Tamra's Dress

Ep 13: Tamra picks a dress, Lauri picks a time to tell Vicki about Brooks, and Heather picks a role Gretchen "had."

By Kim Moreau

Hello O.C. fans. I hope you're wearing a corset that holds in not just your mid-section, but also your tears about your possibly philandering, semi-ex. I hear that inner corsets are good for keeping emotional outbursts at wedding dress boutiques at bay.

How to Watch

Watch The Real Housewives of Orange County on Thursdays at 9/8c and next day on Peacock. Catch up on the Bravo App.

Three Is the Magic Number
We open with Tamra sneaking carbs to Bronx at CUT Fitness. She and Eddie are having a romantic dinner among the plaster at the gym (which is where all romantic dinners occur). Not only is Tamra opening a gym, she's offering non-fitness related tips for looking better (lean back, never forward). Besides pondering the proper way to stand, she and Eddie discuss Gretchen's dress shopping snub. The season trend of the ladies' abstaining from parties if their nemesis comes continues, and she's not looking at gowns if Alexis is looking at gowns. Can't we all just look at gowns together? Perhaps Tamra could banish them to separate racks (and no that's not a boob joke).

But when the day arrives, the whole gang is locked and loaded and ready to shop -- shop and discuss Tamra's third marriage (well at least Vicki and Lauri were). But I'll give it to Tamra, girl deserves a real dress this time. If you are going through the big dance again you deserve to look your very best doing it. Also deserving to look good -- Gretchen, which is maybe why she decided to wear her old engagement ring for this blessed day.

But before Gretchen arrives and shows off her surprising bling, the gals discuss Slade's "cheeseburger" snafu. According to Vicki, it's like a Goldilocks and the bears situation -- the porridge is always too hot, or too cold, or too frail. And then Lydia calls Slade a 12-year-old girl and a tool. Hmm, it seems that cheeseburger comment will last far beyond those burgers did.

Dress to Impress Plan
And so the ladies finally arrive and meet up with Heather and Alexis, who. Can we all just commend Heather and Alexis for being so jovial left alone to their own devices? Maybe it's all water under the bridge. They can talk about how many kids they have and sip champs without a catastrophic fight. Can we call them Heathexis now? Are they close enough for a portmanteau nickname?

As Gretchen ambles about looking at things in the distance to keep away from Alexis, Tamra debates nipple covers and planning to sleep in her wedding dress until Eddie chooses a date. I personally would have slept in the mermaid dress, just because I think it would comfortable in water (even if it did have an "intercourse").

But, despite all the white dresses and champs, things are not all sweet and bridal. Alexis was wishing Gretchen would eat enough makeup to make her pretty on the inside while they ignored each other. (What makeup would that be? Concealer? I think a lip liner or mascara could only gum up the works.) But if that felt tense, things went full tilt dramatic when Vicki shared her relationship status with Brooks. When she mentioned that they were no more, Lauri saw an opportunity to say that not only is Brooks' love language off, but he was sharing that language with someone else.

Oh poor Vicki. No one wants to hear that someone they were seeing was seeing someone else -- let alone someone young -- let alone someone he was throwing hundreds at -- let alone someone he might be making sex tapes with. If there is some silver lining in any of this it's knowing that Vicki is proper enough to always say "pornographic." Probably not worth it to see Vicki weep in a store window (I'm sure the window dresser didn't intend to showcase Lady Gunvalson crying in the window, but I would have stopped in the store). Vicki weeping in that window is proof that no matter how "open" your relationship might be, things can always backfire.

And of course, at this very moment, Tamra finds the perfect dress. It makes her look like a princess, with beautiful boobs, and it makes her cry. What else can you ask for in a dress?!? 

At dinner, Tamra starts putting together that Vicki isn't taking Coto calls but is instead weeping over Brooks in the bathroom because he's dating a youngster. Pour the tequila -- it makes Vicki happy.

Gone Country
Here's a little secret about me. I love Reba! She's a national treasure, second only to Lily Tomlin. What do both of these American gems have in common? They are stars of Malibu Country, in which Heather has nabbed a role. And perhaps because he's finally learned -- or because he also loves these wonderful women -- Terry is being super supportive about it. Less, supportive perhaps, Gretchen. . .

Did Gretchen get the part? Or was it a massive fib? We'll of course have to wait to see Ms. Rossi's side of the story. And Reba's?!? What does Reba think? Is Gretchen fibbing to look good? Is Tamra and Gretchen's new found friendship already dunzo?

Also of note Mary Sue Milliken eats placenta in her oatmeal. I can't let this recap go without mentioning that. Cannot.

Next week things get CRAZY on the mountains. I'm going to prepare by watching Alive and hoping it doesn't come to that between Vicki and Lauri. What do you think was most shocking this episode? Lauri choosing to tell Vicki about Brooks mid-Tamra-try-on? Heather accusing Gretchen of lying? Mary Sue eating placenta? Leave your thoughts in the comments. 

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