Tamra's Dark Past

Tamra shares her reason for leaving the girls behind and why she's chosen to open up to Gretchen (and not Vicki).

So much has happened since my last blog! I apologize for not keeping you up to date, I just cant find the time. You might have heard that I have a wedding special Tamra's OC Wedding coming out September 2. I am very excited to share my wedding with you. The next time I write my blog I will be Mrs. Tamra Judge.

I feel horrible about leaving Gretchen and Heather behind. Vicki told us that the bar was across the street and they could just walk over. We did try to call the girls several time, however phones in Mexico do not always work that well. Lydia got through to the restaurant and told them where to meet us. Sorry girls for being so inconsiderate, but Vicki was on a mission to show us a good time.

I have not danced on a bar in a long time. . .well at least that I remember. I have to say, we had so much fun and it was nice to have that time with Vicki again. Things had been so weird between us and for some strange reason MEXICO always bring us back together.

Lydia is a trooper and if you saw the heels she walked three miles in to get to the bar you would understand. I was surprised that little Lydia got up and danced on the bar. GO LYDIA! Not to mention, it was her idea to dance on the cab. All three of us got up on the cab and the hood started caving in so we jumped off.

Going back to the room at 2 am was scary and I felt like a teenager that snuck out of my room in the middle of the night and got caught. Gretchen and Heather were pretty pissed off and they had every right to be. . .I think? I'm not so sure I would have been that mad if I had said I wanted to go back to the room and sleep while the others went out. More than anything I would have been more concerned for the others safety, not knowing what happened to them. Again sorry, Gretchen and Heather.

Sharing my story about depression has been one of the hardest things I have talked about on this show and something that I was not necessarily even wanting to share. At the time, I was overly concerned with my son Ryan, who suffers from anxiety and depression, and it brought back so many memories of my own. Seeing yourself through your children's struggles is a very difficult thing to face.

I am not blaming my parents for the way they raised me or referring to myself as a victim. Both my parents had difficult childhoods. My mom's mom was hospitalized most of her life for mental illness and my dad's parents were alcoholics . I love my parents and appreciate everything they did for me.

I'm not sure if my parents never saying "I love you" made me struggle in life or if depression is just hereditary? What I do know is that I struggled with my own inner demons form a young age -- something that most people would not even understand. Most of my life I felt alone and I was sad. I used my sarcasm to hide behind the pain and didn't let people get to close to me.

Gretchen is that kind of friend that wants to know everything about your life and I am not used to someone like that. She has a real sweetness about her that makes you want to open up. As much as I care about Gretchen, she is the type of person that scares me --  not because she is a bad person but its hard for me open up to people. I really do think we have different types of friends for different reasons.

Vicki and I have gone through a lot of the same adult struggles in life and although we talk about them at the time, we really don't know each other deep inside. I think that is why we are so drawn to each other? We live for the moment and forget about the past.

I am finally at a point in my life where I am happy. I understand why I am the way I am and I'm trying to correct the things I need to change. I continue to workout daily to help me deal with depression. I will always have a problem dealing with emotions and expressing myself and I might even have a freak out now and then. I am only human!

For all you that have tweeted me about my bellybutton (I know, crazy). I have a four-inch vertical scar that goes right through my belly button. Five weeks before this season started I had to call 911 for the worst abdominal pain I have ever experienced in my life. I was rushed into emergency surgery due to an incarcerated hernia that ripped open my entire stomach wall. After five days in the hospital and weeks of recovering I was left with a lovely scar on my stomach. Terry has offered to do reconstructive surgery and when I have the downtime I just might take him up on his offer.

Thank you mom and dad for everything you have given me. You have taught me so much. . .I love you both.

xoxo

REMEMBER: ALWAYS BE A SURVIVOR AND NEVER A VICTIM & STRONG IS THE NEW SKINNY!

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