Crumpet Burger: Simplicity Gone Awry

Stefan wakes up and he’s feeling older. Not wiser and sharper, just older. There’s a crick in his neck and he’s all mad about those pesky kids in his yard again. Stefan is having his birthday and thinks it’s a cursed one. He still wants you to pay attention to him; he wants that a lot, but he also feels like you should not be sentimental about it. 

The Quickfire is led by Daisley Gordon, a very nice chef who wants breakfast on a stick. They are at Pike Place Market and Padma is admonishing everyone who recognizes her, like it’s a matter of national security. Pike Place is a wonderfully busy market known for great food and that fish-tossing thing.  

John and Josh get paired up because they don’t want to be paired up together. Karma-rific. This on-a-stick thing is a curve ball, but should be challenging…. Before you jump on that “They make great chefs do silly things” bandwagon please realize, a) I don’t write these ideas, and b) You gotta throw curve balls now and again. It keeps the batters on their toes. Me, I just do what I am told. 

Lots of wrestling for panini presses that look like they would last about a minute in a commercial kitchen. Strategy is key here and there will be no tears over spilt milk. But there is spilt milk. Brooke knows Stefan and is patient with his birthday boy self. The Bart Knight runs funny. Wheee. The Belgian strength is in things like judo and tennis, and definitely not regal running. 

Eliza is a Spreadhead. I did not see this coming. Widespread Panic are from my town, and their fan base is referred to as Spreadheads. Don’t say you never learned anything reading these missives. She sold vegan sushi (Grassy Roll, LLC) in the parking lots next to that Seitan’s Little Goulash stand. 

Tesar is being very agreeable and wants this tenuous union to be for the best. Jimmy Sears may have a short fuse but he’s not about to implode because of a bad partnership. He’s in this to win it. 

Bart is falling down, but will thank you when he falls... every episode Bart becomes more like Monty Python’s Black Knight. “Alright, we’ll call it a draw.” I have no doubt Bart can cook -- we’ve seen him excel, but he is the most affably goofy chef on the planet. I think he’s great. CJ is morning tall but shrinking. He thinks I have it out for him as this episode progresses, but I don’t. I like the guy. I just don’t like bad burgers. But, alas, I am jumping ahead.  

Gotta say I would have sucked at this food-on-stick idea. I love the curve ball, but this was a knuckler. I get ornery when I have to do something I don’t think is interesting and food on a stick has nothing to keep me focused. Tesar and Josh’s breakfast taco is skewered up and gets good comments. Josie and Eliza have made cake on stick. Micah and Kristen are here to win with a waffle. Waffles are hot right now, so who knows. Looks busy. They look good as a team. Team “I am Beautiful but Look at My Skillz Not My Beauty.” 

CJ and Tyler are crepe-ing bricks, but that salmon torpedo may be good enough to win. You can taste the confidence and self-loathing in every bite. CJ reminds the judges that they really want this win, as opposed to the other challenges when he thought it was OK just to show up and look tall. Tyler on the other hand just doesn’t want to lose. Interesting. 

Look, The Bart Knight and Sir Spam-A-Lot are putting up a good fight here. Their food is looking good, thanks to Bart beating back Brooke for proper equipment at Sur La Table (Freedom Fries language for “on the table”).

Berries on stick gets good accolades for Lizzie and Danyele but the judges seem to really enjoy the birthday boy’s Croque. 

Verdict: The Bart Knight and Sir Spam-A-Lot win and get immunity. CJ thinks this sucks and shrinks to 6’10”. Sheldon says “boom” and will be contractually obliged to never say “boom” again. 

A bunch of artisan stuff appears from the market. Same teams and they each get a product that you would get in a locavore gift basket. I do love cheese curds and bitters, but some of the other products leave me a little confused as to how to incorporate them into dishes. Evidently I was not alone. 

Cooking progresses, and the teams are pained to get along with each other. John and Josh have such obvious hatred of each other, but are going to make this marriage work for the kids. Josie and Eliza are saying that they are putting their egos aside, but Josie is having trouble with that. Stefan and Brooke have rose petal jelly which makes everything it touches saccharin sweet, but Brooke is so darned nice that their team chemistry is tight. 

What would you make with salmon candy, rose petal, jelly and cardamom bitters? Sounds like a failed episode of Chopped. Well the results turn out to be less than stellar, and Tom makes the decision to confront the chefs and tell them that ain’t nobody winning the moolah in this showdown. The chefs are saddened and go back to the Olive 8 to sulk and bark at each other. Josh antagonizes Tyler because no one else will. Tyler looks confused as to why he is being attacked. Tyler is a frantic man. Dishes with my mental notes:

CJ & Tyler: Pork Crumpet Burger with Spicy Dill Pickles

Soggy bottomed burger that was a complete failure. 

Beautiful Ones! Micah & Kristen: Cheese Curds Three Ways: Bechamel, Raw & Fried

Everything tasted like cheese dip. Not very exciting, but not a loser. 

Bart Knight & Sheldon Spam-A-Lot: Candied Salmon with Sweet & Sour Salad

Weird dish but again, not weird enough for losing. Definitely the most complex of the meal. 

Lizzie & Danyele: Coconut Curry Chocolate Mousse Tart

Strange flavors, but technically quite good. Chocolate work is never easy. Not as bad as CJ thought. 

Jimmy Sears-Tesar & Josh: Pan-seared Pork Tenderloin with Truffle Popcorn Grits

Just not a smart dish. Two very accomplished chefs who made many mistakes in their dish. Grits were horrible, and the pork was tough as can be.

Eliza & Josie: Curry Cardamom Broth, Manila Clams & Seared White King Salmon

Not shabby. Probably would have won if TC hadn’t taken away that chance. 

Stefan & Brooke: Rose Petal Glazed Muscovy Duck with Braised Cabbage

Sweet sweet sweet. I have a problem with really sweet savory food and this was a glaring problem. Judges' Table was utter hilarity with CJ trying to convince us that a dish we hadn’t picked should have lost. He shrunk even more. 6’9” now. 

The losing team was Tyler and CJ. Their burger was just not good. Crumpets are tricky business in that they are designed to soak up butter, and so when ours hit the table they were a soggy mess with really basic pickles and not much else. It was losing material. 

May they succeed. Tyler, go home and relax and enjoy life. CJ, you too.