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I'm not really sure where to start here. There are so may thoughts and feelings surrounding what happened in this week's episode.
Let me start with my decision to go to Miami. Tom and I had just gone through an extremely difficult period, and it really shook us both to our core. I had to completely turn my attention and priorities towards our relationship and asses everything. How my process works is that I need to take emotions out of the equation and give the situation a rational and logical look. Next I had to decide where I needed to place importance. Now considering I don't subscribe to Jax's bullsh--, I no longer placed any importance on what he says and does. I knew that what he says and does can and did affect me, but it was no longer important to me. Rebuilding my relationship was the most important thing to me. So in order to move forward, both in head and heart, I had to forgive everyone. Not for them but for me. Forgiveness and acceptance are both humbling and extremely difficult to do, especially when you have been burned. For me, I cannot move forward and grow and learn if I do not swallow my pride and forgive and accept. This is different than condoning. This does not make me weak or naive either. I knew by accepting apologies and forgiving whatever awful things had happened would open up my mind to the next step, and that is reconciling. I also had to be forthright about my very own words and actions directed towards everyone. I'm not a fake person and don't have to blame and victimize myself. I didn't pretend that I didn't say mean things or have hatred for anyone. I did this for myself and for my relationship. Tom on his own was making moves to preserve our relationship, and this was my contribution to our growth.
Now imagine how insulting and frustrating it was for me to have my best friend be so unreasonably unsupportive and selfish about MY decision. Especially when I have been so supportive of her. We could be petty about it and say "How could I be friends with people that did such awful things?" but I'm no longer 16 years old, and I live in a reality where people mess up and people disappoint. And frankly I'm an adult, and I realize there are bigger things in life, and if I let myself get caught up in the petty details, I'm not focusing on more important things. I don't want enemies and animosity in my life either. It's debilitating and such a waste of energy. Part of growing up is learning from mistakes and moving on. From there you can compartmentalize the things and people in your life. I don't know where Stassi gets the impression that I can't maintain the integrity of our friendship while getting along with everyone else. I thought after all these years and my unwavering loyalty and support that she wouldn't even think twice. Yes, I changed my tune. I'm allowed to do that.
Stassi doesn't have to like it or understand it, but as a friend, she should've supported it. That's what friendship is. I, too, hold friends to standards and one of them is that you don't push your agenda on me and that you simply treat me with the same love and respect that I treat you with. Pretty elementary in my mind.
Of course I wanted to tell Stassi about my decision to go to Miami. Unfortunately she didn't want to hear it or anything I had to say because she pretty much stone-walled me for days before I even spoke to Scheana about going. Apparently Stassi remembers it differently. According to her, it wasn't enough. Apparently her fingers were broken because my attempts at reaching out went unanswered, and she made no attempts on her own. I had a lot on my plate that week and would've been nice to have friends check in on me to see how l was doing. But apparently Stassi's own world of hurt was too much to bear and she couldn't see past it. I still paused to try and check in on her because I had an inkling she was going through a rough patch.
I did apologize to her for having to hear the news from Scheana, but I couldn't assume all accountability.
My heart broke to hear her say that maybe we just weren't that good of friends. How could she say that to me? I had cared for and looked after her constantly and now that is all compromised because of a personal decision made. Again I realized that decision would affect her, but at the end of the day, you have to live and let live. Let the ones you love live their life and support their decisions. I hope that Stassi one day will understand why I did what I did, and I hope that she realizes that it wasn't an act of betrayal but one of self-preservation. Until then, I'm very happy with my decisions and feel like I'm being true to myself.