Whew. I mean things haven't been pretty as of lately. Having to relive these strained moments really isn't the most pleasant thing. Having to watch myself on TV is sufficient punishment though. I squirm and always imagine myself to be much cooler than I appear. Ha ha.
So it seems people are "conspiring" to break Katie and I up. Or maybe they are just "truth crusaders"? Whatever is going on, it seems Katie and I are in the spotlight. I prefer to lurk in the shadows. Not really, but that sounded cool. Having to sit down and tell Katie I cheated on her, even if it was a minor offense, breaks my heart. I never want to see Katie cry unless it's tears of joy. Now short-term it's painful for both and no doubt a very douchey move by me. With some perspective cast on the situation -- I think it's safe to say it's pretty inconsequential. I have to be careful not to undermine my transgression and I truly do feel terrible about it.
People are incessantly asking why I didn't defend Katie more. Why was I so passive? Whatever Jax's motives, he was out-of-line. But, in my mind, his attempts never stood a chance. They were never perceived as a real threat. My flight or fight never kicked in for most of this. It was more like a past fly buzzing around. I knew from the get-go Katie and I have deeper rooted issues that I'm not even sure how to articulate at this point in the season.
I tentatively decided to head over to Stassi's to drop some flowers off and reiterate how gross I feel about the whole thing, to show some remorse and humility. Right when I walked in I could feel their seething bitter eyes piercing right through my thinly veiled intentions of bringing some levity to the situation. Retreat, I thought to myself. I don't want to hash out the details of the situation with the peanut gallery sitting there. Stassi had her pitchforks out and wanted blood. Perhaps she's too jaded from prior relationships? I think they pollute her views. What she has to say will no doubt be entertaining, but it may skimp on substance, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes friends just need someone to listen or make them laugh. Regardless, I do deserve some verbal lashings. I'm lambasted at her place and asked to leave. So I leave.
This is all so dreadful. It's all new to me as well. I'm completely out of my element. I literally never cheated in any relationship prior. All I've ever been guilty of is being a complete makeout slut -- but that's in between relationships. Katie is insistent that Jax is the main problem and gives me and ultimatum. He's not helping the cause, I'll give her that, but it's clear we have bigger issues to deal with. I yearn to go back to my happy-go-lucky self, but maybe this is good for me. Shake up my foundation. I've been sloppy lately in regards to life. Somewhat guilty of just going through the motions in our relationship. I imagine this is a very common thing in long-term relationships, but I don't want to be stagnant. I can already feel my hunger, my drive, and my integrity revving up inside. It's a low hum, but the engines have been started. Wake up a--hole. You have an amazing girlfriend you loves you and you plan on marrying. Don't f--- this up. I'm not looking for anyone to blame but myself.
I love gay pride and I love West Hollywood. Katie and I are proud residents. The fact that people are still oppressed or ostracized because of their sexuality/ethnicity/gender in some places (more places than I want to acknowledge) really makes me sick. I don't even want to get started on it. Let's go back to talking about ME and MY problems. Ha ha.
We get a new employee at SUR. She reminds of of me when I applied for a gig. She must be a glutton for punishment too. Vail seems very cool. Witty, funny and interesting. It's worth noting that the restaurant industry in LA is unique. Where else can you go to get a bite to eat and have your server be a hot Princeton graduate who used to be on your favorite soap opera. Tough town. I think I may be just naive enough to make it here.
Kristen comes to pick up mail and Sandoval's and I'm there as a buffer. We all have a long history together. Good times and bad. When she walks in this time I'm transported back to the bad times. I do feel some compassion for her but that fizzles when she decides to let Tom know she feels his relationship won't last because it "was built on lies." Pretty audacious thing to say. Complete horsesh-- too. Anyways Tom handled himself well, and I curl up in the corner like a scared little child of divorce. There's a collective sigh of relief when it's all over.
It annoyed me when Stassi tried to impart her wisdom, or lack thereof, onto Katie. She should learn to just keep it light. Make people laugh with punchy quips and such. Ask her about fashion or cocktail recommendations -- not relationship advice. Anyways it's not her I'm mad at. Mostly I'm mad at myself for getting me into this situation in the first place. Me me me.
Lisa is stunning and perfect per usual. I am smitten. I do worry she's going to give Katie some sound advice and tell her to dump my trifling ass.