"John has been the Jackhole before, but maybe that was premature "Jackholation" because according to The Enquirer, just a month after his amazing wife Elizabeth passed away, he proposed to his baby mama, Rielle Hunter."
"This week's Jackhole is all of us for what we did to Ted Williams two weeks ago. He was the golden-voiced homeless man. Last week he was famous and this week he's in rehab. Clearly Ted was not prepared for the instant celebrity that we thrust on him."
"It's the lady that fell in the mall fountain... while texting and became an instant YouTube star. But she's not the Jackhole for falling in the fountain; she's the Jackhole for going on every single news program and identifying herself as the woman who fell in the fountain."
"Pinebluff, Arizona? It's Pinebluff, Arkansas. I thought there's no way, the card must have been wrong. But then I looked at the card... of course it said Arkansas. I'm not dumb that's just what I want everyone to know! I'm not dumb, I know I act dumb, but I'm not!"
"Everybody's saying it wasn't Cosmo's fault because the man is diabetic and Cosmo was actually acting on instinct to help his master. Well, if a dog is so smart he should learn how to dial 911 -- That's my point of view."
"This week's Jackhole is Broadway's Arthur Laurents who changed his mind about letting Barbra Streisand make a definitive film version of Gypsy for the big screen. If he can't get behind Babs as Mama Rose, Art needs to turn in his Gay Card."
"Listen, cobra, you think you're so cute because you're only 20 inches long, and everybody loves you, and everybody in New York's crazy about you, and you have this funny Twitter account tweeting back and forth with Mayor Bloomberg? But let's be honest, YOU'RE DEADLY, and if I find you I'm going to go 'Top Chef' Quickfire on your ass."
"This week's Jackhole is Kobe Bryant for using the F word on a referee. Not the one that ends with "k", the one that ends with "t." I know he apologized, I know he's going to pay the 100,000 dollar fine which is a lot cheaper than that 4 million dollar ring he had to buy his wife after this last apology."
"This week's Jackhole isn't the Portland mailman who dropped trau to poop in somebody's bushes while on his rounds. The Jackhole is actually Don Derfler, the guy who took pictures of that mailman and ratted him out."
"This week's Jackhole could have been this guy wearing a ladies bikini top in his mug shot, who allegedly killed his neighbor's pet goat while high on bath salts. It could be that guy, but it's not. The Jackhole is actually me because despite knowing all that I still think he's kinda handsome. What can I say? I do!"
"Sorry Mr. Trump but spreading that crap about the president not being a citizen and forcing him to waste time holding a press conference to show his birth certificate isn't what anybody needed at this moment."
"This week's Jackhole is Kerry Campbell, the mom who admitted on GMA that she administers Botox to her 8-year-old daughter who competes in beauty pageants. Can you believe this Jackhole is so focused on her little girl's wrinkles that she completely ignores the kid's raggedy manicure? Look at her horrible fingers! Disgusting."
"I can't even begin to say how much he disgusts me for what he did to Maria Shriver and his family. And what makes me even as upset is that people keep saying how much his baby mama's Myspace pic looks like Mama Elsa from the Miami Housewives and I don't want Mama Elsa to be sullied in any way by this connection."
"He drove from Ontario, Canada all the way to Chicago to bring his wife to the Oprah finale, but then went to the police saying he'd been mugged by two thugs for his Oprah tickets. You know how gangtas love Oprah. Well, it looks like he never maybe even had any Oprah tickets, and allegedly cut his own head with a rock before going to the cops."
"Ice. Yes, President Obama made a gaffe by speaking during 'My Country 'Tis of Thee' which I guess also happens to be your national anthem, but you didn't have to be a giant biotch about it. It just goes to show that sometimes your manners can be so good that they're terrible."
"Congressman Weiner says he can't say with certitude whether or not that bulge is his, that is because he is so busy working for us -- the American people -- that he doesn't have time to look at his own junk. It's probably why, but he maybe but not definitely took a picture of it in the first place. So give him a break Jackholes."
"She cut two grandkids out of her will and evicted her son's widow but left 12 million dollars to her dog, Trouble. Well Trouble died this week richer than most people. And even though Leona Helmsley's been dead for 4 years, she's still a total Jackhole and the Queen of Mean."
"This week's Jackhole is New York legislator Sam Trombley, who today said if the marriage equality bill is passed we'll have an HIV epidemic on our hands. You know what? You're a fool, you are a fool, and I would just like to say to Mr. Trombley that maybe if he hung out with more gay people, his hair and glasses would look a little less serial killer-y."
"OK here's the deal -- the Jackhole is not the contestant, Pim, the Jackhole is the show's host Ruben. You know why? He's the host of a show called 'The Worst Driver in the Netherlands,' what did you expect, Jackhole?! They're bad drivers, they run into you.
"Today's Jackhole is the debt ceiling. It's a ceiling made of debt and it's hanging over our country getting closer and closer and closer and it's freaking me out, and it's making everyone in Washington act like a bunch of Jackholes."
"This week's Jackhole is Kat von D! She got a tattoo of her fiancé Jesse James' 5th grade school picture in her armpit, look at this! He looks like a paper towel spokes lady to me. And of course, because he's Jesse James, the relationship did not work out. He dumped her. Now every time she shaves her pit that Jackhole has to see her old boyfriend back when he looked like Sandy Duncan.