"This story just goes to prove that if you work hard but then you succumb to the terrible temptations that often plague talented people, and someone makes a YouTube video of you that goes viral, your dreams can come true!"
"Look, look at the picture. Aw, that's a baby roo. I know that this guy is a father of five, but I think Camille should take her settlement, $50 mill -- whatever it's going to be -- to Australia, rebuild his family their dream house, then take the guy away from them."
"Since crazy catfights seem to be the theme of the evening, it goes tonight to '80s icons and rivals Debbie Gibson and Tiffany, who campily throw down in this upcoming SyFy movie 'Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.'"
"Robert called 911 this week to find out how much trouble he could get in for growing a pot plant. I thought pot was supposed to make you paranoid and too lazy to do research. Anyway, the answer to how much trouble of course is arrested."
"I want to know if she was wearing Spanx under that dress, maybe Joan and Phaedra should get together and do a PSA about responsible Spanx use. Feel better Joan Collins Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter!"
"It's time for my Mazel of the Week and it goes to Rifca Stanescu of Romania for being declared the world's youngest grandmother by The Sun newspaper in the UK. Watch out Betty White and Marla Gibbs! You are no longer the only GILF's in town."
"It is time for my Mazel of the Week and it goes to the two 'Top Chef' babies born right at the end of the season. I want to say Mazel to two terrific guys who make great food and great babies. The babies of course are not edible, but they're adorable."
"My Mazel of the Week goes to our viewers. Your thousands of tweets and texts and calls and votes every week are what have fueled this show. Seriously this little show would be nothing without all of you so Mazel to each and every one of you who make this show a fun party every week, thank you very much."
"It is time for my Mazel of the Week and it goes to someone who recently became an instant celebrity thanks to the internets. And I think he’s made all of our lives so much better. It’s baby penguin being tickled."
"It's time for my Mazel of the Week and it goes to these two guys, Dan Belitsky and John Wuebben who hailed Mohammed Alam's cab to drive from New York to LA. And what's hilarious to all of us at this show is that look at the ad on top of the cab, it's for Watch What Happens Live."
"We need to thank those who we may never really know, the brave Navy Seals and their brave dog. Mazel to them! And if the Navy is looking for any new dog Seals, I have a suggestion: look wouldn't Giggy be a good little Navy dog?"
"It is time for my Mazel of the Week and it goes to the United States Navy, Marines, and Coast Guard for keeping the Fleet Week tradition alive. It's like my Christmas, or Hanukkah, and as long as it continues, I will pay whatever taxes the government deems necessary. Revoke Fleet Week, and I stop paying my taxes."
"It is time for my Mazel of the Week and it goes to 'The Today Show' for outdoing Oprah with their goodbye. It was a flash mob sendoff for Meredith Vieira. It made me cry and cheer at the same time. It was better than an episode of 'Glee' too because it had Hoda and Kathy Lee."
"A lot of ladies have unsightly varicose veins but only Audriana’s spell out the word "God." I'm pretty sure, that if anything, the vein spells "goo," that's how it read to me. But just the fact that her veins can spell at all is surely an act of God. Right?
"A hundred and fifty terrapin turtles shut down air traffic at JFK yesterday because they were crossing the runway. Not to get to the other side, but to mate. Full disclosure, if my plane had been delayed by horny turtles I would have gone cuckoo pants and given them the Jackhole. But, actually, I was at Newark airport yesterday. So I think it's adorable!"
"Look! Look at how flexible he is! Juan gets the Mazel though, he didn't make it out because before getting caught he did enjoy a conjugal visit and judging by how flexible he is, he looks pretty good at conjugating, which will come in handy for Juan in or out of prison!"
"OK I can only assume that they were just as insane on the plane home, actually I know they were, because the Mazel of the Week goes to actress and Watch What Happens Live friend Kristen Johnston, who told Nadya Suleman to get her octo-kids under control. Nobody wants to fly with Hell's spawn! Octomom get a van!"
"The Mazel goes to 71 year old Alex Trebeck who was injured while chasing a lady burglar who broke into his hotel room. And if the category is 'how Alex Trebeck sleeps,' the answer is, 'What is, in the nude?'