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Now Serving

Andy Cohen loses his mind while waiting at the DMV. (Or maybe we're just editorializing....)

t is a glorious, humidity-free morning in Manhattan. The type of morning that makes you want to run in the middle of the street, or eat pancakes outside, or skip around Central Park. And I am at the freaking DMV waiting for B236 to be called. 

Now serving B200 at window No. 3, so I am thinking I only have about 20 minutes to go. I am at the "speed" office on 34th Street, so this is gonna be a fast one.

Tonight on Bravo is a double whammy — Top Chef and Work of Art. It is the shock art challenge on WOA and the artists really "go there." I have been getting a lot of tweets from peeps asking if Nicole from WOA is the niece of the Countess LuAnn, and though I have answered this before I guess it isn't seeping in that she is indeed. 

Now serving B208. This IS fast!

Anyhow, so Nicole is the Countess's neice and contrary to conspiracy theorists, there was no nepotism involved in her casting. She had to go in front of the same panel and try out like everyone else, and was judged on her talent, like everyone else. Anyway, Nicole is talented all on her own and I don't think the Countess comes up once in discussion on WOA. 

Now serving B215 at window 6. This is almost TOO fast! I want to revel in this experience....

A lady next to me is gorgeous and loves Bravo and we just chatted. She thinks Kelly is nuts and wants to tell me all about it. A man across from me just told someone he is James Franco's hairstylist. 

Now serving B218 at window 1. 

I am examining a woman with the largest ass I think I have ever seen up close. We are ALL up close to it because she's aiming it all over the room as she looks for the right forms to fill out. She has bright pink pants on and I am sooo glad that I chose not to wear MY pair of bright pink pants today, because my tiny hiney would look sad next to her juicy booty. (She is gonna renew, but she doesn't want a new picture. And guess what — ME TOOO!!)

Now serving B219 at window no. 6.

OK, do you realize I only have 17 people in front of me and I have been sitting here for only eight minutes or something?? This branch should win an award. 

Now serving B425 at window 9.

Uh oh I don't know nothing about B425. I should NOT HAVE SAID A WORD about how fast this dump is. Oh juicy booty's pen isn't working anymore and she's shoving that ass all over the room trying to find a new one. An old lady just gave her one, so our 34th street disaster has been averted. I want to touch that juicy booty so bad. I want to palm it with my wee hand.   Both hands would not even make a dent. She would not even notice.

Now serving H902 at window 3. What the EFF is H902? Do I EXIST? Am I valid? Did I morph into the wrong place? Juicy booty seems confused and upset too. Oh wait — now serving B224 over at counter 6. We are back on track!

The gorgeous lady next to me says Teresa is her fave from Jersey, and she wants to know how D.C. Housewives is going to be. I told her it is awe-some, and I did not lie. (You can't lie at the DMV; ask juicy booty!)

Now serving B227 at window 9! They are doing an homage to 227, my fave sitcom. Oh Jackee'! Mary! Oh wait I am going nuts. This happens at the DMV.  Everything is slooowing dowwwn now.  I wonder if juicy booty likes 227!? 

Wait, where IS juicy booty?? I don't see her. Pink flash: THERE she is. I want to take a pic of her ass soo bad. I don't know if it'll fit in the frame and there's no way to be delicate about it.  She's kinda far from me but she seems close because her ASS IS SO BIG.

Now serving B229. I feel like I've been here all day now. I have WORK to do. Oh wait now it's B231. Four people and it is my time to shine.

What else can I tell you..... We covered Chef and WOA..... We talked about the weather..... That lady's ass is still the size of a small planet..... The eye-test station is behind me so I am listening to a lot of people who don't speak English reading letters. It is funny. Someone should sample it. 

B234 at window 9. I should stand and get ready for my solo. Or I should stretch or something?  I wonder what the lady at my counter will look like!? I wonder if she'll like me!? I wonder if we will kiss!? I wonder if she will be patient with me!?

B235 at window 1. I AM NEXT!!!!!!!!!

OK, I have my rubbers and my lip gloss and my pen and my money and my Metrocard and my passport, so I am essentially ready for anything this gal throws at me. 

IT'S ME! Window 5.

It is a big man with a skin condition and gold chains. No love connection though he seems nice. I passed the eye test! It's easy! You would have to be blind not to pass, which is probably what they're screening for. 

It is $80. That seems high, but I don't care. I wanna get these shackles off and GO. Let me FLY,  daddy! Oh he's eating Cheetos. And he is dainty about it so he doesn't get yellow on my receipt. And, I'm done. 

I am outta there, took 25 mins. In a cab now. There's 36 cents on the seat. Oh man, I forgot to say goodbye to that huge butt. I miss it. It was pink. I am sad. 

Have a good day.

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