A few months ago I wrote a blog lamenting how hard it is to come up with catchy "goodbye" lines for reality shows -- and asked for your suggestions for Jaclyn Smith's sayonara to "Shear Genius" stylists. Over four hundred of you weighed in!
The Most Popular/Most suggested: You don't make the cut. You've been cut. Hair today, gone tomorrow. You've been snipped. Take your scissors and run. You're out of style. Beauty school dropout. You're washed out. We've cancelled your future appointments. Sweep up your station and go. You're a cut below the rest. Curl up and dye. Your work isn't shear genius. Time for you to cut and run. You are a hair "don't." You've been snipped. This is where we part.
There are no shortage of fun hair puns, and you covered those bases well: "Make like your ends, and split." - May "Back to 'Great Clips' with you." - May "This is your bad hair day." - Macy "Your do is thru perm..anently." - Bernie DeVito "Hair today, gone tomorrow." - Liza "Go back to your roots." - Liza "Loser's Name, you should curl up and dye, you are not the next shear genius." - Melissa "Buzz off." - Amy "We need to trim the competition." - Amy "You may run with your scissors." - Esbee "Like a dead end, you've been snipped." - Esbee "Your appointment is over." - Marcia Trickett "Cut it out." - Nik "You're no genius." - Jesse "You've been coiffed!" (Like you've been offed or "auf'd"!) - Nancy Burdette
"You don't seem to gel." - Selat "You've been lopped off our list!" - Deb G "Good luck with your next blow job." - Zia "It's now time that we part." - Sarah A "Your style was shear failure." - Quinn Corbett "(Name of person) hairs the door." (Host points to door) - Tommy Pierce "You're a cut below the rest." - Natty "Coifedersein?" - Diane V "It's time to cut and run." - Nancy "Hair's looking at you, kid." - Mary "We've made a clear cut decision & you're OUT!" - Felicia "Well, my dear, your shears have seen the long and the short of it." - Michelle "I'm afraid you don't cut it. Please take your scissors and run." - Jim "You are a shear hairsaster." - Kristy "Your blow job was not HOT!!!!" - Kristy "You lost by a hair." - Barbara Ellen "I'm sorry, you're a hair don't!" - Shoshanna "You're out of style, please leave the salon!" - R. Christian Anderson
"Maybe Jaclyn can say the person's name and then follow it by saying: The hairsay here is that your creation was a no style sensation. Thank you." - Anna "You are not on the cutting edge." - Matthew Minnich "You are 'unbeweaveable!'" - Indrea Gordon "You've committed shear madness -- goodbye." - Kim B "Hairwell." - Kim B "(Name of person) ...the long and the short of it is...your highlights didn't show today, and we can't make you permanent....please leave the salon." - David "We're going to have to give you the brush off." - Alice "Your a hair don't." - Drea J "Please 'weave.'" - Kristy "I'm sorry, you are just not cut out for this." - Stephanie "You don't have to go home but you can't stay 'hair.'" - Jean Kowalski "CUT-IT-OUT." - Lisa M "Please get out of our hair." - Jill Hayes "You're a split end. And you've just been cut off." - Elisa "We're not teasing, leave." - Bill "We're giving you the shaft..." - Dave G. "Step away from the shampoo." - Alfred Pedersen "Va Mousse." - Vicki Goodman "You've run out of extensions." - Vicki Goodman "I'm sorry, you're a Pert Minus." - Marc "Youve been shagged." - Rae Benson
Here are some mean and weird lines that I would've loved to ask Jaclyn to say, and then been fired for asking Jaclyn to say them: "I don't know why we cast you in the first place. Idiot." - JC "You make me wanna barf in the shampoo bowl." - Amy "Leave before I throw my scissors and hit you in the retina." - Mad Dog "Your new do looked like doo-doo!" - Jim "You are a mullet." - Sara "Put a hat on." - Sara "Fantastic Sam's is hiring...." - Paul "To paraphrase L'Oreal....'You're NOT worth it!'" - Paul "Does She or Doesn't She...? She DON'T!" - Paul "Snip! Snip! All done!" - Paul "Were sorry, you have committed Shear Madness, not Shear Genius, please leave." - Frank "Your do is done." - Gigi "Your 'DO is a DON'T" - Amanda "I'm sorry, wash, rinse, but dont repeat, goodbye." - Gay guru "That style wouldn't make it in a Kmart Salon, goodbye." - Gay guru "Go curl up and dye." - Suzanne "Hey sweetie, don't run with your scissors." - Deb
Each contestant could have lighted "hollywood" mirrors. Once they've been eliminated, the lights above their station are turned off. Jaclyn could say something like "The mirror never lies. You are not the next Shear Genius; please pack up your station and go home." - Leslie "You're LOPPED, you're CHOPPED, you're HAIRSTORY!" - TITO "if you cut another person's hair again I'm going to vomit on you" or "is that the smell of the hair dye that's making me want to barf...? Oh no, it's your face." - Amanda "Please dye somewhere else." - Alice "Sorry, you're scissor happy and that's just crappy." - Drea J "You are a sad head case." - Lisa Daniel "You are the dullest pair of scissors in the drawer." - Kristy "Good cut, bad cut, you're cut." - Gail "Your a client's night mare, please stop and move on." - Kimberly "Make Like a Hair and Split." - Mary Alley "You could be satan's stylist because that do' is from the depths of hell." - Alfred Mitchell "A 'Dippety-Do" to you and a "Permenant-Wave" to." - Kenny "W will now embark on burning your soul in the firepits of hell, as it was clearly intended to be relieved of its disgusting existence here on earth." - Ben Rosenberg
"You need to be mutilated and eaten with lots of butter. Prhaps this will put your obscene existence to some retributive use. You are to be hanged momentarily." - Ben Rosenberg "Wash. Rinse. But do not EVER repeat. (Insert name), you are cut." - Krysta Lee "Go stand in that spot...the bald spot!" - Marc "The ghetto called it wants its hair back or the 80's called billy idol wants his hair back." - Leah "Don't trip over your blowdryer on the way out, loser." - Blayne "Shearing is caring but that cut I am fearing." - Robert Baranja "Jaclyn takes the blowdryer and says FREEZE! YOU SHEARED ENOUGH." - Robert Baranja "I can totally hear Jaclyn saying, "Get out before I cut your face off." If she shouted and threw things at the contestants, that would be a nice touch." - Jon
In the end, we went with something a little punny, evocative of scissors and the task at hand, and to the point: THIS WAS YOUR FINAL CUT...Congratulations to K, Kim B, and G for hitting the mark! You get to hear Jaclyn Smith make poetry of your words.... "You have made your last cut." - K "This was your final cut." - Kim B "So and so ... this is your final cut!" - G