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Fountains of Dwayne
Episode 3: Bravotv.com's Associate Editor discusses boats, Bethenny, and Dwayne.
We're back to the beach this week, as Bethenny packs up the whole fam (and Dwayne! Thank G-d she brought Dwayne!) and heads to the annual Skinnygirl shindig in Montauk. Let's recap, shall we?
I had an inkling in the premiere when B's new driver Dwayne told her that her shoes were "fierce" that this would be a man we would grow to love. I was instantly aware that this was a man who was going to share something with all of us. . .
Boy was I right.
Straight out of the gate, Dwayne is decked in his pre-Hamptons look and delivering some Terrence Howard-esque musings on female cleanliness, as well as clearing up the definition of tortured.
I find it absolutely perfect that this man drives Bethenny around. These two hustlers belong together, driving around talking superiorly inappropriately about breasts at all times. Scoot over when you hop in his ride -- a fashion plate like this needs to have options so he can wow you with his wisdom and his style. And follow his advice: watch your high blood pressure. That's the silent killer.
Love you Dwayne. Mean it.
No Raccoon is Safe
I'm no zoologist, but I don't believe raccoons travel in packs. In my dealings with the night bandits (that's the biological name I believe), they were always operating solo, grazing on trash all by their lonesome. However, out in the wilds of upstate New York, they supposedly run in gangs, in Mighty Ducks like diamond-formation gangs.
Unfortunately, that pack mentality doesn't pay when you're crossing the same road Jason Hoppy is barreling down. He. Will. Run. You. Down. He mow you over, until you're blubbering over your dead siblings/mother/father. Jackie would have stopped and helped, but I mean, it was a party. . .
On Love and Algebra
Bethenny decides to her matchmaker streak outside of the morning television host realm, and fix up her business partner, Matt. I want to go on record as saying: Seriously, how much help does this gent need? He's a handsome, handsome fellow, who is employed (better than I can say of most of my conquests). Hence Bethenny could follow the simplest matchmaker equation in the world.
Hot + Hot = Hotter
It's the 1 + 1 of the love (even simpler than that faux boy band jam "You + Me = Us"). And, so of course it worked. It was a full on foursome before Bethenny even put her pirate hat on. And I totally respect Bethenny's need for the morning after gossip (and her date inner monologue). Inquiring minds want to know, Jason. C'mon!
The Boat, The Boat
Another week, another botched boat ride. I can't actually understand why Bethenny keeps getting on sea vessels. You're meant for land (or air), but not for the sea friend. That's before even factoring in the upcoming boat trip which might be a bit of a catastro-cluck, if you know what I'm saying.
At the very least, this leads to us seeing Cookie in a lifejacket and Bryn in a captain's hat. Worth all of the trouble! They are cutest little shipwrecked family in the world.
The Sands of Time
In some bizarre twist of fate, Bethenny manages to carve out some time for just she and Julie. While they're sitting around eating pretzels, Bryn is in a sandbox. That sounds relaxing, but it's actually a terrifying prospect. Sadly NYC sandboxes are basically urinals. . . leading B to drink (also just the joys of drinking was part of that plan).
Over their sangria, Bethenny and Julie start to reminisce about the olden times, when Skinnygirl was just a file folder on a dinning room table. Julie sees a change not just in the brand, but also in Bethenny's state of mind. She's not the workaholic she once was. It's great to see Bethenny growing. And then to see Bryn growing! In her tiny hat! Cookie's growing to, and putting down roots in the hall where Grandma accidentally left her.That's your life now Cookie, deal.
The Boat, The Boat, Part 2
After all of Bethenny's boat problems, I was shocked at how receptive she was to the idea of a couple's boat cruise with Dr. Amador. I mean it does sound kind of fun, minus the seasickness and the need to evaluate your behavior patterns.
And that's exactly what Jason gets hung up on. As much as these two are trying to getting onto the same page, there are still some issues, and so why not try to work them out at sea. The ocean air and the companionship necessitated by a small vessel could be just the thing.
We’ll see next week. Until, then I’m going to be on edge and on land just to be safe.