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As a segment producer for Kathy, I’m about to give you access to something that no one has ever been privy to -- a behind the scenes look at what goes on at a Kathy taping. (This is excluding the roughly 100 audience members each week for the past 7 weeks, the 50 member staff and crew, and hundreds of thousands of people that have been to a taping of a television show before, because let’s face it, they’re all pretty similar. But other than all those people, NO ONE.)
I’m going to give you a minute-by-minute look at the ins and outs of producing a late night television show. (Side note: Some or all of this may not have happened. The performance by Space Cops was so glorious in my opinion, that I can’t imagine it being anything but a dream. We have Neural Net Processor on a loop in our office. Come by any time to show us your best dance moves. But actually you’re not welcome at our offices. It’s not personal; it’s a safety issue.) So join me, won’t you, as I take you on a magical journey back in time to Wednesday, May 30, 2012 at 8:00pm.
8:00 – We kick this week’s show off at 8 PM ON THE DOT. Kathy walks out (looking great) to thunderous applause as always. She has some of the best fans in the world.
8:01 – Kathy’s monologue is already so offensive that our show’s lawyer has passed out, falling to the floor. A P.A. (That’s an abbreviation for Production Assistant. We in the biz like to take the “p” from production and the second “a” from assistant in order to shorten the two words in an effort to save time and space.) is dispatched to find some smelling salts.8:06 – Really excited for the panel tonight. Michelle Collins is great (I know because she sits next to me for twelve hours every day and I still like her) and the other 66.6% of the panel is comprised of the Sklar Brothers, Jason and Randy, who I have been watching since I was 15 years old. Between them and what’s coming up in the third part of the show, my 15-year-old self has a full blown, Trapper Keeper hiding erection.
8:12 – The P.A. (see above) has returned with the smelling salts. The lawyer wakes up just as Kathy says the word “taint.” Kathy 2 – Lawyer 0.
8:25 – Time stops. Euphoric waves travel over the audience. All eyes turn to the left side of the stage. Standing there, statuesque, a work of art simultaneously created by Jean and Dan Bruns is…Cole, a production assistant from the show (not the one that got the smelling salts). Where’s that smoke coming from? No one cares. Suddenly Cole disappears and immediately his alter ego appears: Space Cops. The first music notes come flowing out of the speakers. Cole bobs his head in time with the music. His mouth opens and a heavenly light flies out. The reflections from Cole’s sunglasses are dancing along with the enraptured audience. Cole ends his performance and there is not a dry eye in the house. The audience erupts into a well-deserved standing ovation.
8:28 – 9:00 – I don’t remember anything that happened after Space Cops performed.