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I’m just going to come right out and say it -- the Kathy staff is officially responsible for bringing Hot Pockets back into the American (and, presumably, Norwegian) zeitgeist. I don’t need to sit here and tell you that Hot Pockets are delicious. You’re no idiot. But I think you may find it interesting that, although they have remained an easily accessible treat since 1983, there has been an explosive resurgence in their popularity in the last month. And Mr. and Mrs. Pocket -- presumably the proprietors of the company -- can thank us at Kathy for that. Suddenly, you’re not “cool” unless you’re eating a Hot Pocket...or talking about a Hot Pocket, or making a historical Hot Pocket reference, or making an inappropriate Hot Pocket metaphor. I suggest you get on the train.
Our obsession with Hot Pockets began simply. We producers were working very diligently one day when, only for a moment, we took a five hour tangent into singing commercial jingles. We covered all the classics -- Stanley Steamer (“...tough on dirt, eeeasy on carpettt”), Empire Flooring (“...eiiight-hundred-five-eeeight-eeeeight-two-three-hundrrred Empiiiiiire...today!”), Kay Jewelers (“Every kiss begins with Kaaaay”), 1-800 Mattress (“...M-A-T-T-R-EEEEEE-EHSSSS”), etc. Inevitably we got around to four-part harmonizing, “Whaddaya gonna pick?! [snap] Hot Pockets!” And the rest is extraordinary history. Any mundane information we wanted to relay at work was then in the tune of the Hot Pockets jingle. Deciding how to keep track of our field piece ideas? “Whaddaya gonna pick?! [snap] Google Doc it!” What in the hell are they talking about on The View right now? “Whaddaya gonna pick?! [snap] Hot Topics!” Not sure what we want for lunch? “Whaddaya gonna pick?! [snap] ...” Well, in that case, we would just suggest eating a Hot Pocket. Day after day, more and more Hot Pocket references would sneak into our conversations, often making no sense at all. “Hey, Shep? Can you please hand me the Post Its?” To which he would reply, “Hot pockets!” We enjoy weirdness. It was just about this time we decided, for our own amusement, we would try and swindle a Hot Pocket reference into that week’s show script. We had to place it someplace inconspicuous, and it had to be done with surgical precision so as to not throw a wrench into the show’s or, obviously, Kathy’s flow. It also had to be placed in a quick, stand-alone sentence in the teleprompter so that Kathy would definitely read it. She sometimes paraphrases lengthier prompter text in her own more hilarious words, so we had to make it concise. We decided to stick it in right after a commercial break. Sure enough, Kathy looked into camera and said, “Welcome back. I’m a little high on Hot Pockets.” Oh, glorious day! Kathy nailed it. Of course she nailed it. The audience laughed, and a warm sense of satisfaction washed over us. I want you kids to know something: dreams do come true. Don’t you dare give up.
T’was only days later when we began noticing Hot Pocket references outside the office in sudden abundance. Holy ballnuts, Hot Pockets were seriously everywhere. And it wasn’t just because we were more aware of people talking about them -- or maybe it was, but just...let us believe. We first noticed when daytime’s television masterpiece, The Talk, was on in the office, and they were doing a cooking segment where they, you guessed it, were making homemade Hot Pockets. Of course, we all had to make a big f-ing deal about it. Then, one of us saw a tweet from a fan who watched our show that week that read, “Is it weird that I’m watching @kathygriffin show & she says, ‘I’m a little high on hot pockets’ as I’m eating a hot pocket?!’” Obviously, we printed the tweet and taped it to Kathy’s office door. Then...THEN, within the next few days, Richard III’s body being found under a grocery store parking lot was a headline being discussed on The Colbert Report, and the punch line was, “...which explains why his famous last words were, ‘My kingdom for a Hot Pocket!’” It was then it became abundantly clear. The Kathy staff is solely responsible for the explosion of Hot Pocket discussions worldwide. No doubt in hell, and we are now rightfully drunk with power. The influence we have is unimaginable, so just beware: we’ve been singing the Pizza Bagels jingle all afternoon. (“Pizza in the mo’nin’, pizza in the evenin’, pizza at suppatime! When pizza’s on a bagel, you can have piiizzza anytiiime!”)
P.S. Try Lean Pockets, too.