Toya Thinks Simone Is Stirring the Sh--

All the World's a Stage: The Queen Bee, the Prey, and the Instigator

Before I get to this week's episode, I must first address my absence from the blog last week. As you know, there is no "sick leave" for mommies. Last week I was in bed, more sick than I've been in a while, thanks to catching a nasty bug from my boys. I always stay on-the-go, but this thing had me flat on my back. I was exhausted! A mommy's work is never done -- even when you are sick. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I definitely count my blessings. When either my husband or I fall ill though, we really feel not having family in close proximity. When we decided to move to Atlanta, our extended family did not make the move with us. It is during these times, that we feel the isolation from extended family the most acutely.

This week, you caught a glimpse into the time we all spent during the couples' trip. This trip was exactly what Eugene and I needed after the emotional rollercoaster of the earnest money deposit loss, then finding a gem of a house. A trip to the Blue Ridge Mountains was an escape, and a time for us to reaffirm "Team Harris." (Did you peep how we captured the couples' suite? Yeah baby. . .Hunger Games: Harris style). You also got a chance to flashback with us -- the fashion, the hair, the music. What was old was made new again. Do YOU remember high school? Those were some formative years. We all "grew up" and grew into who we are today. I've always been warned that "people don't change." In fact, we actually become MORE of who we really are.

If you think back to your school days, most of us can remember a fight of some sort that led to gossip for weeks. Thinking back, the same cast of characters would always have their starring roles: THE QUEEN BEE (aka – the narcissist), THE PREY, and THE INSTIGATOR. Within our group, those same characters have assumed their roles.

THE QUEEN B (aka Mariah)
Does this sound familiar?

"I am the queen bee."

"I brought you ladies together."

"If it weren't for me. . ."

Narcissism is characterized by a long-standing pattern of grandiosity (either in fantasy or actual behavior), an overwhelming need for admiration, and usually a complete lack of empathy toward others. People with this disorder often believe they are of primary importance in everybody's life or to anyone they meet. While this pattern of behavior may be appropriate for a king in 16th Century England, it is generally considered inappropriate for most ordinary people today.  -- Psych Central 

THE PREY (aka Quad)
Usually, the case is that the prey and the queen bee were once friends. There's more history there. The more history, the more ammunition. The more ammunition, the more potential for hurt. Hence, emotions will be running high.

THE INSTIGATOR (aka Simone)
An "instigator" is usually someone who stirs up public discontent. Sounds familiar? Think back to Heavenly's dinner party. Simone publicly brought up Mariah and the couples' trip, seemed to fall back when everyone voiced their opinion about Mariah, and has gone behind the group's back (much to Quad’s discontent) and suggested that Mariah pop up to the cabin to "pay us a visit." What was always interesting to me, both in my teenage years and now, is that the instigator, though they play an important role in stirring up public drama, rarely face repercussions. This time though, the cameras are rolling.

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Simone, you are an instigator. You cannot go behind your friends' backs, play on both teams, and then claim to be keeping the peace. You are stirring up a nasty pot of gumbo, and although you keep adding spices, the rancid aroma of your soup will stink up your entire house. You can't sh-- where you EAT, for soon enough you will EAT sh-- and vomit up the truth.Speaking of cooking. . .My husband is the absolute bomb cook!!! That's right -- he brings home the bacon, and can cook it too!

There's no "I" in "we" honey, and YES my uterus is ours. WE decided to have two children. WE made a commitment to each other. The money he earns as a doctor is OURS, and the work I do for our family is benefited by ALL who live in the Harris household. Perhaps our society needs to take a closer look at this concept. Perhaps the reason so many marriages end in divorce is because people want to maintain too much of their identity. If you are giving and true to the one with whom you make a lifelong commitment to before God (instead of acting like you are married to your careers), then perhaps so many marriages wouldn't fall apart.

Quad and Lisa's relationships and the glimpse we are getting into the dynamics of their marriage are invaluable. It is important to maximize your ambitions as a woman -- something both Lisa and Quad want to do. However, the tone in which they go about exercising their "independence" is very different. Lisa and Darren are parents. When you become parents, there is a shift that takes place -- from that of a couple, to that of a family. The branches between all members of that family are connected, interconnected, and entwined. To break that union would mean to cut down the whole tree. Quad, I believe, doesn't really understand that. Perhaps she sees herself as a branch that makes up the tree of a couple. But what she must understand is that the branch cannot thrive in isolation from the rest of the tree. Through Lisa and Darren's brave glimpse into what being married means for them is TRUE, unfiltered, and REAL. I appreciate that, and I'm sure many other women do as well.

Both within the Married to Medicine circle and outside, I am blessed with friends who continue to provide me with perspectives on MARRIAGE. I am blessed by them in ways beyond measure. The honesty, bravery, and candor with which you express the trials and tribulations of your relationships are food for married people's souls. For Eugene and I, marriage means commitment and that entails being faithful under any and all circumstances. I married my husband and made a vow before God to LOVE HIM, HONOR HIM, and RESPECT HIM. When you marry a good man, the man God has for you, you do not set an exit plan in place.

Till next time. . .