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Last summer, she explains, she realized she had stuff she hadn’t sorted through, like PTSD from a terror attack at her 2017 Manchester concert that killed 22 people and just 15 months later the death of Miller. He died of an accidental overdose in September 2018.
"I was researching healing and PTSD and talking to therapists, and everyone was like, 'You need a routine, a schedule,' ... Of course because I'm an extremist, I'm like, OK, I'll go on tour! But it's hard to sing songs that are about wounds that are so fresh. It's fun, it's pop music, and I'm not trying to make it sound like anything that it's not, but these songs to me really do represent some heavy s--t,” she tells the mag.
She ended things with Miller, she says, because she couldn’t live with his addiction.
"People don't see any of the real stuff that happens, so they are loud about what they think happened," she says. "They didn't see the years of work and fighting and trying, or the love and exhaustion."
She reveals she used to track him to make sure he was staying clean.
Her engagement to Pete was her trying to heal.
"My friends were like, 'Come! We're gonna have a fun summer [in New York.]' And then I met Pete, and it was an amazing distraction. It was frivolous and fun and insane and highly unrealistic, and I loved him, and I didn't know him. I'm like an infant when it comes to real life and this old soul, been-around-the-block-a-million-times artist. I still don't trust myself with the life stuff."
Eventually, she says she realized she needed a break from boyfriends.
"I'm a person who's been through a lot and doesn't know what to say about any of it to myself, let alone the world. I see myself onstage as this perfectly polished, great-at-my-job entertainer, and then in situations like this I'm just this little basket-case puddle of figuring it out," she says. “I have to be the luckiest girl in the world, and the unluckiest, for sure. I'm walking this fine line between healing myself and not letting the things that I've gone through be picked at before I'm ready, and also celebrating the beautiful things that have happened in my life and not feeling scared that they'll be taken away from me because trauma tells me that they will be."
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