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Dear Bravo Readers,
First and foremost, I would like to say thank you so much for taking a ride with me on this. I wouldn't be growing and becoming stronger if it weren't for you all! Thank you for all of the support and love because it means a lot to me.
This has definitely been a crazy year for me and obviously an emotional one. I understand you all think I have a lot of "feelings" and I am constantly emotional, but that's only one part of me. We all have different sides to us and that's what makes us human and beautiful. I am no different than any other person. I know many of you have not agreed with my decisions in the past few episodes, and I will not reiterate why I did what I did.
I do take ownership when I do wrong to someone, and I think it's very clear in the season finale when I ask all the girls to come together for the Tashlich ceremony and I apologized to every single one of them. Believe me -- I try my best not to hurt others, but none of us are saints, and we are definitely not G-d or a higher power.
The reason I love Tashlich so much is because it's a chance to apologize to G-d for all of your sins, a chance to apologize to the people you have done wrong to (despite who is in the right or wrong), and it's about letting go of the past and not dwelling on who did what but to acknowledge forgiveness and start a new. I took ownership at Tashlich that if me going to help save Ashlee was hurtful and wrong to the other girls, then I apologized from the bottom of my heart. I never wanted them to feel like I abandon them or took sides.
I tried to bring the girls together because I do feel I have a bond with each and every one of them, and I try to see each and everyone of their sides. We have all hurt each other at one point or another and therefore, we should have all owned up to our wrongs and apologized. I do not need to get hate just because I felt it was the right thing to do to save someone else's life when I thought she was missing or hurt. I don't condone Ashlee's actions or her behavior a lot of times, and I let her know that. I am not afraid to say it or share it, however, there is a time and a place for everything. I never said Ashlee's health issues were an excuse for her to say mean and ignorant things about people. I expressed that at the time, I felt she needed me whether or not she answered my calls, walked away from me etc... I was trying to be a good friend, and sometimes I overextend myself as a friend and I really shouldn't. I have realized that. My phone was dead at the time, and even though it looked like certain people were trying to help me, I really had no help. I was borrowing people's phones to try and call a car service. Just so you all know, the area we were in, there is only one car service legit. I didn't abandon the girls. I explained to them why I needed to go find her, and I would do it for any of them. I don't need to feel bad or guilty for doing what was right in my heart at the time. Was I a little dramatic? Yes. Looking back and moving forward, I now know there's no reason to get that dramatic and to take more control of my emotions.
No one is perfect or always does the right thing. We all have flaws, but it's about learning from your mistakes, owning them, and bettering yourself. I was always taught to bring people together. I really have had the problem of being a people pleaser my entire life, and now I am beginning to realize that it hurts you in the end. I am doomed if I do and I am doomed if I don't. I will never be able to please the world. I just know I try my best.
I shouldn't have called Casey because she was not there, and it's not like she really could have helped me, but Ashlee insisted I call her to explain to her how Ashlee was feeling, meaning "Ashlee said she felt attacked," so I was relaying her feelings while she was on the phone with her mom. I really shouldn't have gotten her involved in the Erica situation or this one. Now I know better...
I was explaining the situation where the conversation at the winery got heated and then everyone attacked each other because that's the real truth. I don't know if we are all watching the same show here, but I was the one who got frustrated in the first place because everyone was taking low jabs, instead of enjoying the beautiful day. I also don't condone Erica bringing up the issue at the winery because it did make things worse.
I have definitely gone above and beyond for all of my friends, but I am starting to realize that it's not worth going that far for the ones who do not appreciate you or appreciate what you do. I think my problem is I try to understand both sides of the case to a fault. I also can't help if Ashlee wasn't listening to me, and I wasn't about to get in to another fight at the winery explaining that. I was trying to stay rational. My main goal was just to find Ashlee, make sure she was safe, and I would have loved to even get myself back to the boat, but it was an emotionally draining day.
I needed to just fix the problem at hand. Yes, she is a grown woman of 30 ,but there are women every day who go missing from age 30 and over, and even though she did put herself in a dangerous situation and didn't wait for me when I asked her to because I was going to help her through it, I still felt the need to make sure I did the right thing, so I had nothing to regret at the end of the day, especially at the time when I did think she was my best friend. You live and you learn every day, and that's all I can do. I was also shocked by Amanda's and Casey's conversation. My name should have been left out of it. Casey didn't need to speak to Amanda like that. Amanda shouldn't have been involved in any of this, and neither should I. Casey should not have fought Ashlee's battles or mine. I never asked her to do so and always have told her not to. Loyalty does not equal fighting someone else's battles, especially when we are in our late 20s and early 30s. I am a big girl, and my issues need to stand between me and that person. It's pretty evident to me that both Casey and Ashlee have each other's backs, and that's cool too, but my name needs to be left out of this nonsense. This all sounds like gibberish and nonsense to me, and I do not condone it at all. I have expressed how I felt to them, but it's up to them to choose to recognize that or not. I am not their parents or their god, and I don't plan on it. I need to look out for myself and worry about myself because clearly no one else is doing the same for me.
It's heartbreaking to realize that the people you trusted the most and really thought were there for you and would have your back, don't! There was a lot of shade thrown around, and a lot of egos not being left on the side, and a lot of blame game, especially "blaming" me for a lot that had nothing to do with me.
I thought the girls could learn something special from me. The reason I was so emotional at Tashlich was because it's an emotional time for the Jewish people between Rosh Hashanna and Yom Kippur, the highest holidays, to pray for a healthy, good new year and to ask G-d and others for forgiveness for any wrongs you might have done intentionally or unintentionally.
My faith is really important to me. I never preach that I am religious because there is a lot I have to fix. Just because I come from a modern orthodox home, doesn't mean I follow it all. I too, have to find my silver lining when it comes to my faith. If G-d can forgive us for the worst of the worst we do in life, then we should be able to forgive one another and work things out because we are not better than one another. We are each other's equal. I tried to take the high road and be mature and tried to get all the girls to understand where I come from and where they each come from. We are all allowed to have differences and a voice.
I am usually a fun and positive person, but I went through a bad summer. Don't we all go through them?!
Amanda, Erica, and Joey know that I love them and I am a great friend to them as well. We all learn from one another. Friendships aren't perfect, and they never will be. I felt awful for what Ashlee said to Joey, and it wasn't right what she did, but I also don't like to get involved in anyone else's confrontation when I don't have to. I hope my girls understand that whatever I say to them it's only because I am a friend, and friends don't always have to sugarcoat things to be a real friend.
As Amanda says it best, "I always do me and will do me. That's for sure, and I will be making major changes in my life whether it comes to friendships, my love life, work, etc., so you'll definitely want to stay tuned for that! Make sure to follow me @chanelomari and visit chanelomari.com to talk more, and remember to embrace your inner princess because we all have one inside of us whether we would like to admit or not .
Also remember when the going gets tough, never give up on yourself even if others do. Always believe in yourself no matter what and dance the night away!!!
Until next time...