MJ and Reza: B-F-Not-So-F

Hi, everyone! Thank you for reading my blog every week! A lot of you have been asking who the hell I am, and what makes me qualified to write this blog since I’m not on the show. Well, let me give you a brief overview. I’ve been producing Bravo shows for the past few years and have been a comedienne for quite some time. So when the network needed a blogger, they came to me. Why? Because for the first time being typecast worked to my advantage. I fit the unibrow, facial hair, gaudy, and loudmouth criteria. Now, I know all I do is watch these guys and sit in judgment, but let me show you why I feel like I’ve earned the right to do so…

That was me when I was nine. Iranian by blood, but Orange County by birth. My mom tried to make me as assimilated as she could; putting me in the most “American” sweater she could find. Apparently, “Ski the Rockies” screamed U.S.A. to my Persian mother. Looking like that, my mom would say to me “Negar (my Persian name), you are so beautiful…” With that said, I feel like I was meant to comment on Iranian idiosyncrasies my whole life. I really understand what my Shahs go through!

More on my unibrow at a later date. Let’s get to tonight’s episode!

The past few weeks I’ve gone really deep with each scene, but I want to take time today to dissect the bigger issues in this episode. It’s only the fourth week, and already friendships are broken and GG has completely lost her mind. In a nutshell, GG shows us she’s completely pathological, MJ acts out, Asa reveals she’s dating a Jackson, and Reza shows his bitchy side and his armpit fetish. 

Can we talk about GG for a second? OMG. When Mike went over to talk to her about what happened at the pool party, homegirl could not get her story straight! I had to watch the scene three times to follow her lies and her circles. Is it that she truly doesn’t remember the story she’s created in her head, or is it that she doesn’t remember reality? It’s like she is living on another planet and recreates her own reality. My favorite line that GG spewed was, “Who said I hit her?” That was said right after telling Mike Asa hit her! As a social experiment, I feel like GG needs to lock herself in a room, re-watch every scene she’s ever shot on the show and figure out what’s real versus what she’s created in her head. That is if she can stand five minutes without getting in a fistfight with herself. Thinking about it makes me want to take a bath with my hairdryer, topped off with a space heater for dessert. 

What do you think we’d find if we were to open our little Pinocchio’s head up? Gold hoops, fake nails, and daddy issues? 

Next up, I HAVE to talk about Asa’s man. I know this wasn’t a big story point, but it’s kind of a HUGE deal. Um, she’s dating a Jackson. And it’s not a new thing! I understand it’s Jermaine Jackson, Jr. or as he prefers: Jermaine Jackson II, but regardless, he’s still a Jackson. I don’t know how much money Jr. has, but do you think some of her money comes from him? I know it’s not her mother’s nurse’s salary. 

Anyway, seeing Asa with Jermaine was sweet. We got to see a softer side of Asa that we’ve never seen before. She’s always the loud, dominant one, but she was shockingly sooo submissive with Jermaine. Almost like a little Geisha girl. For God’s sake, she called him “Daddy!” And not just once! We all know he’s the daddy of one thing and one thing only… and it’s not vegan dish that Asa just cooked. 

OK, enough about Asa and “Daddy” for now. Let’s talk about what really shocked me this episode. No, I’m not talking about Reza’s armpit fetish, rather what happened between Reza and MJ at Tehran’s gathering. First off, I know I always defend MJ in my blogs, but she really needs to get a grip. The first thing she said to Lilly was that she should have worn her sister’s dress. Who does that??? A 39-year-old-MJ clearly does. Ha! But Lilly gave MJ a dose by calling MJ’s dress an 8th grade dress, and rightfully so. You know, Lilly was on to something. I wore a dress similar to my 8th grade graduation, except mine had rhinestones to divert the attention away from my unibrow. 

Moving forward, I couldn’t believe that Reza toasted all of his friends… except for MJ. I mean he literally rattled off every name in the book minus his bestie. At the rate he was toasting, I’m shocked he didn’t pull out his iPhone contact list and start toasting them too. What made matters worse (or better depending how you look at it) was the fact that Reza admitted to being a prick. In my opinion, just because you admit to being an a$$, doesn’t make it okay. Reza should go find more armpits to sniff to cool off. I certainly don’t agree with MJ’s attitude because she’s out of control, but Reza is adding fuel to this already heated Persian fire.

Want to know my favorite part about the whole night? It was Sammy’s cameo as Judge Judy. Who could possibly take him seriously wearing that ridiculous fedora?!  You know, he was on to something, but I just can’t respect the dude after last season’s last episode. He proved to be the king of the tool shed. 

What gave me a little solace was hearing Reza say he still loved MJ. We all know he does, but they just need to have a sitdown come to Jesus Mohammad conversation. I personally am sick of our little Persian Empire imploding. Not one person is getting along with the group as a whole except for Mike. As for GG—I’d love to see how she’s going to pull herself out of this mess. She may not, but at least she has Omid and his real nose to comfort her. And last, before I leave… how the hell will Asa pay her mortgage next month now that her giant Fashion Week gig fell through? Daddy Jackson? The famous Gold Coins? She’s screwed. She better think about returning those Cartier glasses we saw at the pool party!

Until next week…

Happy Holidays, everyone! 

Thoughts? Comments? Tweet me @nadinerajabi

Nadine Rajabi is a television producer, writer, and comedian from Los Angeles. Most importantly she's Persian, and has been her whole life.