Recap: '300' Part Deux

Last week we left a gold bow-wearing Asa pissed off at MJ and GG. What a week! Can it get any more dramatic, or can GG get any crazier? The answer is, YES. This week GG (not Golnesa) proves she takes no prisoners, including her sister.

The episode starts off with Mike, MJ, and GG at Omid’s house (btw, how do all these Persians have so much money?). They discuss what happened at the pool party and Mike is mad that GG shows no remorse for how absolutely out of her mind she was. Mike, do you expect GG to show any remorse for what she did? GG is always right in her own mind. She justifies everything. So much so, that when she reenacted the fight to MJ, she told the story as if Asa got in her face. All I have to say to that is. . .Thank God for the good ol’ flashback, because GG has her story twisted. The good news is if GG doesn’t remember things when she drinks, she has reality TV to serve as a backup brain. It’s kind of like an external hard drive. Too bad she never accesses it.

As all this is going on, Reza and Asa discuss the GG drama while on a hike. Inspired by nature, Reza refers to GG as a venomous pet snake. But his smack talk is not nearly as offensive as Asa’s “hiking outfit.” Let’s just say that Asa has developed new technology for workout clothes that offer the ultimate breathability. Or, as I like to call them, holes. Nike, are you taking note?

Next we see Lilly at her swimgerie photoshoot. The photographer at her shoot wants to take test pictures with Lilly, but Lilly claims she’s not a model. Funny how she throws Zoolander poses like she invented Blue Steel as soon as the camera snaps. “But I’m not a model.”

Reza and Asa stop by to check out what Zoolander is up to. Before I get into their visit, I have to comment on what Asa was wearing (again), because she may have just topped herself. Let’s just say if Boy George, Six from Blossom and Madonna had a love child, it would be our Persian Pop Priestess.

Onward. . .at Reza and Asa’s visit to Lilly’s photoshoot, Lilly invites Reza, Asa and (drum roll) MJ out to eat. Lilly wants to get to know MJ better because she feels like the dinner party from the first episode wasn’t a good first introduction. Or as I see it: Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. I’m sure Reza is thinking, “OMG, we’re so f---ed.” And he’s right. . .they are. More on that in a minute.

Moving on to the hidden gem of this episode: Asa’s visit to the water bottling plant to turn her diamond water into a product. Can I just say how much I love Asa’s grandiose thinking? Her pitch went something like this:

Hi, I have a magic recipe of alkaline water infused with diamonds and love energy. Every time I drink it, I feel amazing, and I want to spread the love.

Asa, can you please tell me how you exactly “spread” your “love energy” into the water?

Watching this, I’m thinking there is NO way that they’re going to hop on board, but quite the opposite happened. Shawn (the guy at the plant) tells her he loves the idea, but the trick is sterilizing the diamonds. Just the diamonds??? Just the diamonds??? Um, I think her “love energy” needs to be sterilized because I sure as hell have no idea where it’s been.

You know what I love about Asa? She lives life by her own rules and never lets anything get in her way, including money. Which is the opposite of how her parents live.

With that being said, I want to jump ahead to the scene with her parents. I can’t get over the fact that her mom only makes about $30K/year and supports the entire household. Her family’s story is a common one. I’d say a majority of the Iranians that currently live in the U.S. (including mine) sacrificed everything and left their country for the freedom of their families and children. I can’t even imagine what my parents went through leaving a country where they had everything made to go into the unknown -- a foreign country where they don’t speak the language and start all over again from scratch. They’re the real gangstas! It makes Asa’s aspirations of hippy dippy diamond H2O seem a bit silly.

Speaking of gangstas, our Persian Pop Priestess tells her Dad she wants to be rich. She forgets that by America’s standards, she is rich -- she drives a Mercedes, owns a home in Los Angeles, and has $30K in gold coins buried in her front porch. What more does she want? More gold bows, holey workout clothes and Boy George fedoras?

I admire Asa for being so ambitious and tenacious. But, I do question her methods. At least she’s not mooching off her Dad like GG is. . .

Speaking of. . .let’s talk about this crazy fight between GG and her sister. GG’s Dad has called a meeting between GG and her sister to talk about their hair extension business. He tells GG that she needs to finish her tasks for their business, and that’s when they get into it. The best part about the fight was when Leila said to GG that she didn’t even know how much the extensions sold for. And GG basically said, she didn’t have to know; she was in charge of marketing. Hey, GG, if you learn nothing else, memorize this. . .

The four P’s of marketing are: Product, place, promotion, and. . .PRICE.

The girls continue fighting and GG threatens to cut her sister’s face with a knife. Can someone tell her you’re not supposed to shank your siblings? Who does GG think she is? Tony Soprano? She drives an Audi, not a Lincoln Town Car. I don’t blame GG’s sister for resenting her! And if anyone in that family is going to be doing the cutting, it should be Dad. . .as in cutting GG off.

What a day!

As if this episode wasn’t dramatic enough, we get to the dinner with Lilly, Reza and MJ. Lilly, Reza, and Asa all get to Villa Blanca (how convenient and soo Bravo), and wait on MJ. Shocker! Listen, I get it: MJ is on Persian time. The fact that she even made it to dinner is a success.

When MJ finally shows up there’s immediately weird tension. Maybe it’s because Reza was just telling the table about his pre-gay sexcapades with MJ or maybe it’s just residual Asa drama from the pool party. Regardless, MJ decides to make it even more awkward for everyone by telling Lilly that she looked her up online and saw naked pictures of her wearing only her DOG to cover chest. She goes on to tell Lilly she thinks what she did is animal abuse. I highly doubt Coconut minded much. I’m sure she was just happy that the room stopped spinning.

In all honesty, MJ shouldn’t have thrown that dagger, but she did. The reality of the situation is that Reza is making new friends and forming new alliances with people and MJ is feeling left out. Can this group not have a nice sit down meal in a restaurant without fighting? In the famous words of the late Rodney King, “Can we all get along?"

The next day doesn’t bode well for our little MJ when she shows up at the office, and Reza starts giving her ton of s---. Then he drops the bomb that Mike is coming in for an interview. YES, MIKE SHOUHED. Reza offered him MJ’s desk. NOT COOL! I know we all love Reza, but if he was truly MJ’s best friend for 20 plus years, he should be more upfront with MJ. He’s such a mean girl sometimes.

After Mike gets there and the fighting continues, Reza tells MJ that the reason he’s so mad at her is because she’s aligned herself with GG and he’s not cool with it. Two things need to happen: MJ needs to distance herself from GG and grow some balls and Reza should remember where his loyalty lies. Is he really any better than she is with the way he’s been acting?

They’re both going to end up alone. MJ with Julio, Pablo and her Persian rug. And Reza with his mustache.

Until next week. . .

Would love to hear your thoughts!

Tweet me: @nadinerajabi

Nadine Rajabi is a television producer, writer, and comedian from Los Angeles. Most  importantly she's Persian, and has been her whole life.