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Recap: Hide Yo’ Kids. . .Hide Yo’ Knives
Nadine discusses Persian moms and shopping, Omid's hair feather, and the inner monolgues of a Shah.
This episode was by far my favorite of the season. And every week I keep thinking it can't get more dramatic, but somehow our Persians top themselves. There was therapy, there was redemption, there was fighting. Our two show villains GG and Vida even came around. . .well, sort of. But baby steps are still considered steps.
I have to be honest, for the first time in a long time I felt for GG. She made the effort to apologize to Reza, to go to therapy (which was very Sybilesque), and to make up with Asa (until she actually saw her). But like I said, baby steps. Before moving on to the mother of all dinners, I have to comment on a few things.
First, let’s start at the Lilly/GG pedicure date. I couldn't help but laugh because GG and Lilly almost have no other choice other than to hang out with each other because no one else will. As the girls got their toes done, they bonded over all of the cosmetic work they've had done. GG told Lilly she's had a nose job, her gums lightened and gets Botox all the time. I didn't even know gum lightening existed. I assume it's somewhere in-between anal bleaching and Michael Jackson skin lightening. And Botox? That doesn’t even count as "work." That’s just a gateway drug in Beverly Hills plastic surgery centers.
I’m glad that Lilly feels like she can be friends with GG because she’s "skinny and pretty." I’ll keep that in mind for when I meet Lilly. I'm sure I won’t meet the height and weight requirement to be her friend, but I’ll keep you posted.Moving on to Asa's recording studio visit with legendary Persian singer Andy. Being from Orange County, I wasn't as integrated with Persians as much as our Shahs were. But there is one thing that I know about Persian music and that's Andy. He's like the Persian Tom Jones only his legions of female fans don’t throw their panties on stage -- they actually throw themselves.
Anyway, for Asa to be in the studio with him was a big get for her. No wonder she was so nervous. When the man with sunglasses tells you to sing the word PCH better, you do it! Hell, you’ll sing every highway on the map. Here’s what baffles me (and I’m in no way trying to hate on Asa): I don’t get how she can call herself the Persian Pop Priestess when she's NEVER PERFORMED LIVE?!? I feel like being the Persian Pop Priestess is a title you earn once you've achieved some notoriety for your music. Someone like Googoosh (the most famous Persian Idol) is someone that can carry that title. But Asa has to perform at least ONCE to even call herself a performer. Otherwise, she's just like every other Bravolebrity that thinks they can sing.
Moving on to MJ’s lunch with her mom. I felt so bad for MJ when Vida got up from the table and left MJ crying alone with her Chardonnay. I commend MJ for wanting to change her relationship with her mom. She's right, it has been a big summer for her, and I'm happy that she's finally standing up to the blonde big bad wolf.
At therapy, the two have a back-and-forth about what they need from each other. I was shocked that shopping was on both of their lists. Only a Persian would have that be such a bone of contention that it had to be resolved in family counseling. We Persians take our shopping seriously, and that’s NOT an understatement. My mom has NEVER had any motivation to learn technology. . .until she realized she could use it to facilitate shopping. The only reason she learned how to send a text message was so she could send me pictures of shoes or handbags at the mall to see if I liked them or not. Not.even.lying.
Case in point, here’s a text exchange between my mom and I yesterday.
Backstory: Emporio Armani is having a sale:
Like I said, it’s a problem…
But I digress. I’m happy that Vida agreed to go to therapy with MJ. Baby steps!
Now on to the Persian peace summit, which turned out to be more like a planned attack if you ask me. Every time these guys sit at the same table -- hell breaks loose. They should NEVER plan their gatherings around anything that represents a dinner table or involves cutlery. But before I dive into all of the delicious drama that transpired let me just say how much I LOVE the way Sammy always tries to force his way in to the action. This season we’ve seen him try to be the mediator, the drunken companion, and now he offers up his house as neutral territory for GG and Asa to make amends. I hope he has good insurance. . .and common sense enough NOT to serve alcohol!
Onward to the last supper! I really had high hopes for this dinner. GG was on her best behavior all episode, and everyone there was on board (sort of) for the reconciliation that was intended to go down. But those hopes were dashed from the moment GG walked in the door. The first party foul was GG walking in and not saying “hello” to her striped dress twin, Asa. Side note: I’m glad they both got the memo that the S.S. Tehran was docked in the Valley and they both followed the nautical dress code. Anyway, after that I had a feeling that GG’s snub was just foreshadowing to the drama that lay ahead.
BUT. . .I never expected the fighting to start with Mike and Omid. I was shocked at our “Zen Master’s” behavior. I had to watch the dinner twice to take it all in! The whole time I kept rooting for GG thinking, “Girl, don’t lose your cool. Stay grounded! Shuttle, shuttle!” Who knew that Mike had so much anger built up over Omid? The whole thing became a pissing contest over who had the bigger Doodool Talah (golden penis).
As spectacular as that s-- show was, I couldn’t help but think that the inner monologues going through everyone's heads at the time had to be as entertaining, if not more. Here's what I imagine they were all saying. . .
When Mike makes fun of Omid’s hair and discovers he’s wearing a feather. . .
Reza: Thank God, it’s not a hair band.
MJ: I know where you can get a feather on sale!
Lilly: I haven’t eaten in three days. I’d eat the feather off your head if you gave it to me.
Sammy: How do you guys still have a full head of hair?
GG: Thank God, it’s not about me right now.
Asa: I can’t believe he thought of hair feather before I did.
When Mike asks Omid why he’s been talking s--- and reminds him that he’s known GG since she was a kid. . .
Reza: Are you kidding me? I’m now eating leaves because your fighting is giving me the meat sweats.
Good GG to Angry GG: “You keep your f---ing mouth shut or Im’una shuttle your ass right out that door!”
Lilly: Note to self: NEVER accept a dinner invitation from these guys again. P.S. I miss my ex-boyfriend.
Sammy: I KNEW serving alcohol tonight was a really bad idea!
Asa: I thought this dinner was supposed to be about GG and I? God, I love that hair feather!
MJ: OMG. Where are Pablo’s pills when I need them?!
When GG declares that if anyone is going to stab someone, it’s going to be her. . .
Good GG to Angry GG: Look how good we’re being. Knives are bad, remember?
Lilly: I’m going to throw out law speak in interview to show everyone that bobble heads can use big words. Ex-boyfriend, Ali. . .are you paying attention?
Omid: I don’t want to go to jail wearing red pants.
Reza: There goes my peace summit.
Sammy: Now I’ll never get back on the show.
The line of the night came from Asa when she said, “You know it’s bad if you have to be taken outside by GG!”
This whole dinner was ridiculous. I love how even after all the drama went down, Reza was so set on getting Asa and GG to talk that he dragged GG back in to fulfill his agenda. He’s like, “Damn it, I’m not leaving this dinner without crossing something off my to do list!”
I know some of you might not agree with me, but I was VERY proud of GG for keeping her cool (as much as she could). She grabbed the knives to get them away from the boys, she kept her mouth shut until Asa said this whole situation was whack. And honestly, I think Mike was out of line. He totally provoked Omid. He had pent up anger against Omid and turned the dinner on its head. If Mike knew Omid was coming, why did he choose to come? Couldn’t he at least bite his tongue for the night for the sake of his friend he’s known since she was 13? As for Omid, it’s crazy that GG had to be the adult in their relationship that night. That speaks volumes.
And that’s all I’ve got. I can’t wait to see what happens next week. Damn you, Shahs for making me wait another week!!!!
Until then. . .“Hide yo’ kids. . .hide yo’ knives. . .‘cause e’rybody’s fightin’ up in her’."
Comments? Tweet me @nadinerajabi
Nadine Rajabi is a television producer, writer, and comedian from Los Angeles. Most importantly she's Persian, and has been her whole life.