Recap: Last Tango In Westwood

It’s the season finale of Shahs. What a long ride it’s been. I know we still have the two-part reunion and a lost footage episode to come, but I’m already going through withdrawals thinking about not having my Shahs fix.

I loved this episode for many reasons. It tied up most of the story lines, but still left some things open-ended to keep me wanting more in the reunion.

. . .Let’s dive right in!

Last week the episode left off with GG at the dinner party about to confront Asa. Though the confrontation happened, her big apology was certainly not how Reza, nor anyone else had planned. She basically said she didn’t mean to violate Asa in a physical form, but she’s not sorry for “the source of her anger.” Then a series of “wack” things ensued. Before I go on, let’s distinguish what the word "wack" or "whack" means so there’s no confusion about the tone with which this exchange went down:

According to Urban Dictionary:

Wack or Whack (Adjective) 
1. Lame, sorry ass, aint even legit
2. Something that just plain sucks, or isn’t cool at all. Lame. Sentence: In the famous words of Whitney Houston, “Crack is Whack.”

So. . .Asa calls GG and her apology “wack,” to which GG responds with her signature crazy eyes and oddball behavior, chanting “wha-wha-wha-wack!!!” Sister’s clearly not doing herself any favors. She came there to turn over a new leaf and at first sign of conflict resorts back to her same old ways. Maybe she should give Asa’s love energy-infused diamond water a try. I’ve heard it’s a surefire cure for wack.

Asa responds to GG’s scene by saying, “It sounds complicated.”

Translation: @AsaSoltan likes to speak in social network vocab. It’s the new SAT. #bigwords

After Asa decided to leave the table, Mike tried to school GG on how to apologize to people. Easy for him to say. He’s got backup. #Goldendoodool

Long story short, the whole dinner was a waste of time and everyone still hates GG. Basically, the whole night was wack!

Moving along, we see MJ and Vida putting their therapy exercises to the test with a girls’ day out shopping! Vida did great, and gave some sound advice to MJ, “Wear chiffon!” That should really be the answer to every Persian girl’s problems. Feeling heavy? Wear chiffon! Bad day at work? Wear Chiffon! Have an evil mother? Wear Chiffon! Translation: What Windex is to Greek people, Chiffon is to Persians.

Later that day Lilly paid Asa a visit to confide in her about her relationship woes. She finally realized she didn’t want to be with the famous Persian Cowboy from Texas, Ali Baba. THANK YOU, LILLY! I’m glad we were able to get this realization before the season ended. I have to say this was the first time I’ve ever seen Lilly vulnerable, oh AND EATING! It was nice. See what food can do, Lilly? You go girl, eat your feelings!

After therapy with Lilly at Casa de Asa, our Persian Pop Priestess headed to her Persiapalooza rehearsal. At rehearsal, one of the dancers said to Asa, “We just have to go over this a couple times and it’s going to be gold.” Translation: We’re f---ed.

Asa gets on the mic to rehearse her song, and she messes up. Some advice? Knowing your song before your big day might help. Just saying. The big realization of the day: Asa realizes when she moves, her tone changes. . .annndd that’s why Beyonce lip-synced at the inauguration. Just sayin’. . .

While Asa desperately tries to learn all the words and dance moves before Persiapalooza, Mike goes to visit his family and asks his parents permission to take his relationship with Jessica to the next level. It was a very sweet moment to see Mike with his parents, and to see how accepting his parents were. In the Persian culture (as Mike has said), it’s a very big deal for Jewish families to marry Jewish. Moms always want their Jewish boy to bring home nice Jewish girl. It’s a very old school way of thinking, but it exists with religion/race, you name it.

I’m not Jewish, but I’ve encountered the whole “bring a nice Persian boy home.” My mom tried to set me up with a nice Persian guy one time. Well, she actually tried to introduce me to two of them at the same party so I had a choice. She’s a gem, and so progressive. I had a choice! Anyway, when I walked into the party I felt like I was at the Persian Bachelor rose ceremony. One was a doctor, while the other was a pilot. The only thing I could tell my mom was, “Mom, I think it’s pretty safe to say I won’t be dating a middle-eastern pilot anytime soon.” And that was the last time she ever tried to set me up with ANYONE.

Sorry, I get sidetracked easily. . .

Moving back to Shahs. As the relationship/Persiapalooza episode continued we saw Reza with his man at the beach. We learned that Reza doesn’t care about sea glass like white people do, but at least he cared enough to go on a glass hunt for Adam. We also learned that Reza is “trying,” but he’s also OK with his Facebook status reading, “It’s complicated.” See what I’m saying? What is it with Persians and facebook vocab? They used to learn their English from The Price is Right in the 80’s, but now it’s the internet. Times have changed. . .

Back to Reza and Adam being “complicated…”

Translation: I love you, but I’m just not attracted to. . .your armpits. Hey, like he said. . .he’s “trying!”

And while we’re talking about relationships, I have to mention this quickly, and I mean quickly. . .MJ and Drizzy? WTF? Red Pants/Vest guy? She’s going to chew him up and spit him out. I can’t see this one lasting, but at least she’s getting laid.

Meanwhile, as all of this is going on, Asa gets ready for her big event. This is her first ever stage show and her first time headlining. It usually takes people years and years and years to headline, but our Persian Pop Priestess is ready! She wants to keep Persian pop culture alive because we don’t have Persian pop culture…yet. I’ll tell you how to create Persian Pop Culture: Get one of the Shahs to get paparazzi’d with no underwear on and create the Iranian equivalent of TMZ or Perez. Call it Parvez Hilton. That’s how it’s done!

Anyway, I do admire Asa for getting on stage and representing our people the way she did. It takes a lot of balls to get on stage, period. After all, she was unstoppable. She Esfanded her crotch to warn off all the evil, and even got Henna. BTW, Esfand is the Iranian version of sage and my family burns it all the time. Sometimes they burn it so much it starts smelling like a weed dispensary at my Grandma’s house. I always wonder what my Grandma’s neighbors must think when they smell the smoke coming out of her house. They’re probably like, “Damn, Granny lights up! No wonder she always has food at her house. Ol’ lady must always have the munchies!” Real Translation: Even if Granny did light up, it’s legal in California. Mind yo’ own business!

Anyway, Asa ended up killing it on stage, everyone was proud of her and they ended the night in a food fight. MJ was right, their summer wasn’t easy. GG turned their world upside down, MJ and Reza fought, MJ and Asa fought, Mike and GG fight, and GG and Asa fought. It was 300 all over again, but thankfully tonight the Persians won.

I know it all ended great, but something tells me the reunion isn’t going to be very fluffy. These people can’t go anywhere without drama. S--- will go down, and Andy better not have a knife on set because heads will roll if GG is around. And a quick side note on GG. I hope she finds her peace. Seeing her away from the group at the very end made me a little sad. What can I say, I’m a masochist for always forgiving people. But they’re still people, even if they are wack. Translation: I don’t want to get my ass kicked if I ever cross GG in a dark alley.

See you all next week for the first part of the reunion!!! Until then enjoy my take on what is and isn't Persian.

Things That Are Not Persian

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Nadine Rajabi is a television producer, writer, and comedian from Los Angeles. Most importantly she's Persian, and has been her whole life.